(UNPOPULAR) OPINION | DISCUSSION

People-Pleasing: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

An opinion piece on finding the balance in people-pleasing

Gerald Washington and I discussed about people-pleasing after he shared an Instagram Story (video) in February this year. If I recall correctly, the video was about the positive side of people-pleasing. I had intended to write on the subject after our conversation but somehow completely forgot about it until I came across Gerald’s latest piece. His article is truly brilliant, and what’s interesting is that he included an example of a current event that has been making headlines recently. So, if you have the time, I invite you to give it a read. The link to the article will be provided at the end of this post.

I don’t think I need to explain what people-pleasing is. I am sure everyone is familiar with the term, which carries a negative connotation. But is it truly all bad? I think the most important aspect is to understand why we do it. We need to reflect on the reason why we have a desire to please others.

Let me preface this by saying that I am a people-pleaser. I don’t believe there is anything wrong or shameful about people-pleasing if we understand our motivations behind it. Please note that when I say I am a people-pleaser, it doesn’t mean I bend over backwards to please everyone. I reserve it for specific individuals whom I genuinely care about, whether they are family or friends (including online friends who are just as real to me).

So, why do I want to please others?

As cringeworthy as it might sound, the simple and honest answer is that I want to make them happy. Now, don’t get me wrong. I do not do it for entirely selfless reasons. When the people I care about are happy, I am happy as well, so it’s not like I am not getting anything out of it. To be human is to be inherently selfish, in my humble opinion. As a side note, I remember having a debate with a friend about why acts of charity can also be considered “selfish” because you get satisfaction from helping others.

The second reason I try to please people I like is because I want them to like me back. I know that this is a super cringey, unpopular opinion, and some of you might be rolling your eyes right now. You might be thinking, “Just be yourself. The right person will like you for who you are”. But the truth is, I am being myself. When I genuinely like someone, I naturally want to please them and hopefully, they would like me back. Is it really such a bad thing? Should I go out of my way and be completely out of character just to avoid being nice to people I actually like? Should I be hoping that the people I like would hate or dislike me instead? Honestly, I cannot see the logic in doing anything other than pleasing the people I have a connection with. Furthermore, this could also serve as a useful indicator to gauge someone’s interest in you, whether it is for a relationship or a friendship. If you make efforts to please this person and they don’t reciprocate in any way, it could be a sign for you to consider walking away. After all, you have already taken the first step by being vulnerable.

Besides the points mentioned above, I also appreciate having a peaceful, friendly and loving environment around me. If I can achieve that by pleasing the people I care about, then why not? Obviously, they will not throw a tantrum even if I do not constantly make them happy. But think about it, why do you buy birthday gifts for your loved ones? Why do you call your parents every week? Why do you share songs and funny video clips with your friends? Isn’t it because, in one way or another, you are trying to bring them happiness, or in other words, please them?

Knowing when to say no

It will only become problematic if you are doing it for the wrong reasons. As I mentioned earlier, I please certain people because I genuinely want to. However, what if you don’t want to do certain things and yet you still do it just to please someone? That can be harmful because it means that you are unable to say no. In his article, Gerald Washington explains that there are certain individuals whom you should not try to please, as they will not appreciate your efforts and are simply impossible to please. They keep expecting more from you, and you only continue to please them out of fear that they will leave you if you stop doing so. The problem is, regardless of your efforts to please them, they will eventually leave anyway. By compromising your dignity to please them, you will end up feeling much worse when they finally leave you. Additionally, there may be financial consequences, such as a partner who constantly asks for money and is only staying with you because of your financial support.

There is a fine line between trying to keep someone happy and trying to keep someone with you. In the first scenario, you have no other expectation or hidden agenda but to bring happiness to the other person and possibly earn their liking so that they willingly stay in your circle. However, if they end up leaving, of course, it will be sad, but it will be relatively easier to let go. If the person turns out to be incompatible or even unkind, you can take solace in the knowledge that you have acted in the best way possible with the information available to you at that time. Therefore, there would be no regret because you know that you have tried your best to please them but sometimes people leave for a myriad of reasons which might have nothing to do with you. In the second scenario, deep within your soul, you know that if you stop pleasing them by catering to their needs, this person will definitely leave you.

So, in the first case, you act out of love, but in the second case, the motivation is fear, which is highly detrimental to your well-being.

When the person eventually leaves, you will feel utterly used and abandoned. In your mind, you may experience regret and wish you had done even more to please this person. You might be thinking to yourself, “What if I had done this or that instead? Would that have stopped them from leaving?”

Exploiting people-pleasing

The final reason why someone might try to please others is for a dark, manipulative purpose. I am not well-versed in psychology, so this is based solely on my observation of the people around me. In my opinion, the worst scenario of people-pleasing would involve a manipulative, narcissistic individual who initially does something to please you but then completely withdraws once you are emotionally attached to them. When someone gives you a lot of attention in the beginning but then starts pulling away from you after a while, you will be completely obsessed with them. You want them back and sometimes it is for no other reason than to feel validated. As a result, it would be your turn trying to please them instead and thus creating an opportunity for them to take advantage of you. This is all a game to the narcissist, so be careful if you find yourself dealing with one.

In conclusion, people-pleasing is not always a bad thing. It all depends on why you do it. When it is motivated by love and care, it can be positive as it brings people closer to one another. However, we need to be careful because it can easily become problematic when fear, validation-seeking, or manipulation come into the picture.

Now, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Are you a people-pleaser or do you think we should never try to please anyone? Let’s talk in the comments!

Here is the link to Gerald Washington’s article that inspired this post.

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