People pleasing doesn’t work and this is why
It doesn’t pay to cater to the needs of others before you’ve catered to your own.
by: E.B. Johnson
The need to please is imbedded in our DNA, but it can become a burden that’s too heavy to bear when we start living our lives in the service of others and forget to live it for ourselves. While caring for others is a beautiful gift, putting the needs of others before your own can leave you vulnerable and an easy targets for manipulation and attack. Overcoming our urge to make others happy takes time, and it takes a lot of work. More than that, though, it takes some serious introspection.
We seek to please others for a variety of reasons. Some of us have been taught that we’re worthless, while others have learned it through a lifetime of broken hearts. When we forget to pay attention to our own wants and needs, we lose ourselves, and therein lies the danger of people-pleasing. Giving too much of ourselves away leaves nothing for us at the end of the day. You have to learn to love yourself if you want to lead a happy life, and that starts with learning not to give away more of yourself than you can spare.
What is people-pleasing?
Generally, people-pleasers are known to be those people who never say “no”, who never turn down a chance to do something for a person in need. You can always count on them for a favor, and they seem to thrive when they’re in the midst of caring for others. The problem, however, is that this behavior is almost always rooted in insecurity, and it almost always equates to great unhappiness later down the road.
People pleasers are those who — due to past experiences or insecurities — go above and beyond to see to the needs of others, rather than the needs of theirselves. They shut down those parts of themselves that cry out for more, and bury their authentic selves so deep down that they often struggle to ever uncover them again.
They are defined by what others think of them, and they live and die on the sword of other people’s opinions. Being a people pleaser might seem like a selfless and noble endeavor, but it’s not. It’s toxic and dangerous and one of the most common ways we lose ourselves in the dark quagmire of other people’s baggage.
Why do we feel the need to please others?
There are a number of reasons one might develop a compulsive need to please. For some, that need comes from childhood trauma, while for others it simply comes from poor life experiences. Whatever the reason, it’s important to identify it, in order to correct your compulsion in future.
Many of us were raised beneath the illusion that the whims, opinons and wishes of others are more important than our own — a lesson which is especially heaped upon little girls. We’re raised to believe that reputation is everything, and that we can only find success when we’ve successfully made enough outside people happy. This is, of course, a fallacy; and one that leads to some truly destructive patterns that rip our lives apart.
When you’re an impressionable person, it’s also easy to get talked into things you don’t want to do, or beliefs that don’t suit you and your journey. In order to escape the trap of people-pleasing, it’s necessary to create your own concrete point of view. That can be hard to do, however, when you’re too concerned with what other people are thinking about you.
The tell-tale signs you’re a people pleaser.
Trying to be all-things to all-people will only leave you with one guarantee: a life that’s empty of meaning. Coming to terms with your need-to-please isn’t always easy, as the signs can be hard to spot. These are the most common signs to look out for if you think you might be dealing with a compulsive need to please that’s undermining your waking life.
An inability to admit when you’re hurt
When you’re obsessed with what others think of you, it’s hard to admit when there’s a problem or issue you need to address with them. People pleasers are notorious for keeping their feelings buried away, refusing to address conflicts and instead opting to keep their hurt feelings stored away. While this leads to breakups and blow-ups in the future, it also leads to something else — superficial relationships in which neither party feels comfortable sharing things that are real.
A need to agree
It’s one thing to listen to the opinions of others, it’s another to go along and agree with everything, just because you’re afraid of not being liked. People pleasers have a bad habit of agreeing and going along with anything said or suggested around them. This comes from their deep-seated insecurities and the fear that they can only be loved so long as they continue to provide what’s “expected” of them.
A need to apologize…constantly
People pleasers blame themselves and internalize everything around them, and with that comes a slew of apologies. Frequent apologies aren’t normal, but the seem to be the mantra of the people pleasers. We don’t have to be sorry for being ourselves, but people pleasers don’t see it that way. Their insecurities force them to believe that they’re not good enough, and that makes them feel compelled to apologize simply for existing.
Requiring a lot of praise
Praise and kind words can make anyone feel nice, but the people-pleaser is a person who depends on that kind of validation from third-party sources. Our self-worth is important, but when it relies entirely on outside validation, you’re asking for trouble and skewed sense of self that can lead you down the rabbit hole to some dangerously self-defeating patterns and behaviors.
Believing you’re responsible for other people’s happiness
Having empathy is a gift — especially in this day and age. However, there’s a pretty serious problem when you believe that you have some kind of responsibility for the emotions of the people around you. The only person’s emotions we are responsible for is our own. It’s up to each one of us to come up with our own way to manage how we feel and function.
Feeling guilty for taking care of your needs
There are some people-pleasers who feel guilty just for seeing to their own basic needs, rather than constantly seeing to the needs of others. This can lead to the trap of filling schedules with activities that are unwanted and unnecessary — a downward spiral that only leads to separate us furthter from our authentic self-esteem and purpose.
Doing anything to avoid conflict
People-pleaser’s hate conflict, and that forces them to avoid it at any cost. Avoiding conflict might seem like a good idea, but it’s not; some conflicts are necessary and some of them allow us to grow in truly beautiful ways. Through conflict we learn more about ourselves and our place in the world. It’s also the means by which we stand up for the things that matter, or the people who can’t stick up for themselves.
Self-destructing on purpose
Our friends, families and coworkers bring out different facets of our personalities, but it’s not normal for us to sabotage ourselves in order to ingratiate ourselves with them. Studies have shown that some people pleasers engage in destructive or self-defeating behavior if they think it will help others feel more comfortable with them. Needless to say, this can come with an array of its own unique problems, loss of identity being the least of them.
An inability to say “no”
Speaking up for yourself means saying “no” when something comes up that you don’t want to do. The people-pleaser, however, struggles with saying no, and often takes on too many projects, or flakes out of those projects — which they find easier than just turning down the experience in the first place.
Why people pleasing doesn’t pay off.
Constantly catering to the needs and whims of those around you might seem like a good game plan (especially if your goal in life is to have as many “friends” as possible). The problem, however, is that the perceived payoff from peoople-pleasing is more-often-than-not a complete illusion — paved with the best of intentions and heartache. You can’t please everyone, and this is why.
You’re setting yourself up for failure
We’ve all heard the age-old adage of “you can’t please everyone”. While we might not like to hear it, this timeless adage is incredibly true. It’s impossible for one single person to meet all the needs of another — because we are the only ones who can please ourselves, no matter what society or the endless marketing campaigns tell us.
You’re further eroding your self-worth
Working constantly to make others happy only works to drive you further and further away from your own happiness. Chasing the happiness of others will always pull you further away from your own, and it will always force you to lose sight of that authentic self that brings meaning and passion to your life.
You’re coming to resent people you love
People-pleasers spend a lot of time ignoring their own needs, which can culminate in a substantial amount of resentment once they find themselves in a quiet moment of reflection. When we stop meeting our own needs, to focus solely on the needs of others, we shortchange ourselves — and that theft can’t go unnoticed forever.
You’re stressing yourself out
Pleasing others inherently comes with the need to force yourself to feel and believe things that you don’t. All these little lies add up, and over time they compound to create a bubble of stress and anxiety that makes it hard — if not impossible — to function normally or happily as the days go by.
You’re losing focus
It takes a huge amount of conscious effort to cater constantly to the needs of others. This massive act of self-control takes a lot of us, and leaves us struggling to focus on the people and things in our lives which actually matter. Pretending to be something you’re not, or going along with people who don’t have your best interests at heart only serves to distract us from our true journey to happiness.
You’re actually making yourself less likable
Even if you’re the best of pretenders, it’s impossible to fool people forever. People know when we’re faking it, and they can tell when we’re just trying to ingratiate ourselves to them because of our own insecurities. Though the people-pleaser might feel like the life of the party in the midst of the codependency fits, the reality of the situation is something else entirely. When we go out of our way to make people like us, we usually only cause them to like us less. People can spot sycophants from a mile away — and they never enjoy their company for long.
How to stop putting their needs before your own.
Many of us have grown up under the deluded belief that what others think is the most important thing in life. The problem with this thinking, however, is that it’s toxic, self-defeating and destructive to who we are at our core. The opinions and thoughts of others don’t matter. They never have. What does matter is what you think about yourself, as well as how you free yourself from the burden of other people’s approval.
1. Wake up
In order to break free of the shackles of public approval, we have to start by shaking ourselves awake. Take a look at yourself, and dig deep. Rather than belittling yourself and your needs, open up your heart and your mind and drop the constant judgments and self-denials. You are a person who’s deserving of respect and love, but you’ll never get that respect and love until you learn how to give it to yourself.
Develop a practice that allows you to regularly take some time exploring your feelings and needs. By inviting our thoughts and feelings to the surface, we can often unlock some deep-seated truths that can truly transform the way we see ourselves and our place in the world around us.
Start with a mindful journalling practice. Each day, get yourself into a quiet space and allow your mind to wander. Rather than reacting to the thoughts and emotions that come to surface, just let them be and then pass. Get a better handle on your impulse to please by getting comfortable with the thoughts and emotions that you so often shy away from.
2. Realize that there is such a thing as too much
When it comes to making the lives of others better or more comfortable, we people pleasers don’t believe in the concept of “too much”. We heap our love and emotion over anyone and everyone we deem worthy. The problem, however, is that we never leave enough for ourselves; and we almost always push away the people that matter with our over-the-top displays of affection.
For our realationships to be budding, happy and fruitful, we have to learn how to be true to ourselves. There is such a thing as “too much” and there is such a thing as giving too much of ourselves.
Learn that when you sell yourself out, you sell out your relationships as well. Without being a whole and happy person, you can’t create a whole and happy relationship. While you think you’re giving you’re all, you’re not, because you don’t have your “all” to give in the first place. Even if your intentions are good, stop giving away too much before you’ve even given something to yourself.
3. Practice radical self-acceptance
Learning how to accept yourself radically and without abandon is one of the greatest skills you can learn in life. When we learn how to accept ourselves in our entirety, we lean how to embrace opportunity and change in a way that frees us from our need to serve and please. Accepting yourself means you don’t need anyone else to accept you, and in that lies true and undeniable power.
If you’ve found yourself stuck in a role defined by others (rather than yourself) then start by breaking free of that mold and asking yourself exactly what it is that you need in order to thrive. Spend time getting to know who you are without other people, and spend some time identifying the paths forward to the new and happier you.
Try one thing each day that is new, and fall back in love with all the skills and abilities and gifts you’ve forgotten you had. Dance in the rain and fall in love with your freckles and find a way to wake up everyday happy to be waking up next to yourself. You can’t truly love other people, until you learn how to love yourself — something you can’t do if you never give yourself that chance.
4. Realize that authenticity is the only currency
One of the most important things we can learn in this life is that authenticity is key. We are all unique individuals, with our own perpectives and outlooks on this thing we call life. Our authenticity is the superpower by which we tackle the greatest obstacles in our lives, but it can get snuffed out by the constant criticism and machinations of others.
When you stop catering to the needs and whims of other people — no matter who they may be — you can get back in touch with that unique and authentic self that knows exactly who you are and what you need. Only when you open up to the real you can you figure out what you value.
Stop doing what others want, and start committing only to those things, words and experiences that add to your time here on this earth. Life is far too short to spend time copying others. After all, there’s already one of them out there. We don’t need anymore. What we do need, however, is you and your unique take.
5. Practice letting go
We all get stuck in the past from time to time, but dwelling there can make you fearful — and that drives you right into the arms of people-pleasing.
Learn how to let go of the past and the things that keep you chained to behaviors and beliefs that no longer serve you. Scoop up all those traumas, all that negative baggage, and slowly let it seep out of your life, releasing it back into the universe where it can stop creating harm and destruction everywhere it goes.
Let go of all those internalized beliefs that have been piled up on you over the years; all those times you were told that you were “too fat” or “not good enough”. Unless you learn how to remove the power these things hold over your life, they’ll keep you imprisoned to the whims and opinions of others forever.
6. Recognize that avoidance is not growth
For some reason, we believe that if we just avoid a problem we can outgrow it. Unfortunately, however, that’s just not how growth works. If you’re looking for true growth (which breaks the shackles of your people-pleasing prison) you have to face the conflict and anxiety that’s plaguing your life.
Problems are learning opportunities, but we tend to react to them as though they were disasters to be avoided at all costs. As humans, we don’t like things that make us uncomfortable; and if you’re someone who struggles with insecurity, that’s doubly true. We want people to like us, and we want to live in a comfortable environment. That’s just not always possible, though, and that requires us to take a stand and accept that avoidance is not growth.
Make things easier for yourself in the future by letting go of your need to avoid. Start confronting your issues as soon as they present themselves, instead of waiting for them to fester into something more toxic altogether. Navigating the waters of life by avoiding the rough spots will only leave you lost and desperate to find people who can save you. Start saving yourself by dealing with your own problems.
7. Learn how to live with the anxiety
Anxiety-based decision making is the bread-and-butter of the people pleaser. When we have a compulsive need to be liked, it leaves us wracked with anxiety — making everything and anything into a stressful event that seems more like a life-or-death catastrophe than anything else.
If you’re someone who needs to be liked, you have to learn how to live with the anxiety that need induces, and develop the healthy coping mechanisms you need in order to keep your nerves in check and your self-esteem focused.
8. Learn how to tell the difference between care and manipulation
One of the biggest traps the people-pleaser falls into is the trap of manipulation vs actual care and affection. As those who are concerned with the wellbeing of others, we people-pleasers are particularly vulnerable to the malicious machinations of those who are looking to take advantage.
It’s important to always be on the lookout for manipulators, or people who want to use our compulsive insecurities against us. These might be the people that flatter us when we start to doubt them, or those who use their anger and displeasure to keep us in check and serving their needs.
Stop letting yourself be coaxing back into the place where you insecurities are used against you. Try to look for the real meaning beneath the words of the people in your environment, and look out for signs that they’re taking from you more than they’re giving to you. Don’t let others bully you into a corner. You deserve just as much as they do, and that includes being loved and respected.
9. Drop the excuses
People-pleasers love excuses, and the people that benefit from their insecurities love them too. Excuses are one of the biggest ways we keep ourselves stuck, sad and defeated before we even get a shot at victory.
You might want to defend your decisions, or feel like you owe an explanation to the people around you, but you don’t. Your life is your own, and you don’t have to spend your time explaining it or justifying it to anyone. Ever.
Stop worrying about whether or not they understand your reasoning, and stop worrying about spinning everything into a positive light that makes you look “acceptable” to people who care more about themselves than you. Stand up for the choices you need to make in your life and stop worrying about who approves of them and who doesn’t — chances are they don’t pay your bills, so you need to stop paying those people any mind.
10. Master the art of emphatic assertion
Most people-pleasers shy away from the concept of being assertive, as they associate it with being a source of conflict. Being assertive doesn’t mean you have to be nasty, and it doesn’t mean you have to be confrontational either, though. It simply means standing up for what you need, and doing it in a way that clearly defines your boundaries to those who wish to ride roughshod over them.
Assertiveness isn’t about aggression at all — despite what society might tell us. Rather, being assertive is all about forming the right kind of connections, and doing so in a way that shields your preciously delicate mental, physical and emotional wellbeing.
This is where emphatic assertion comes into play. Rather than just explaining yourself blind, this type of assertiveness revolves around putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, in order to better communicate what it is you need and what you’re trying to do.
Let the other person know that you understand where they’re coming from, but that you need them to also understand where you’re coming from. Use comparisons and sound reasoning to communicate your need to do exactly what they do every single day — take care of your own needs before seeing to the needs of others.
Putting it all together…
Having compassion for others is only worthwhile if we learn how to extend that same compassion to ourselves. Before you can truly be there for someone you love, you have to be there for yourself. Our needs are just as important and valid as those of the people that surround us. If you really want to inspire others to love you, start by loving yourself; and do it before you sell yourself short and give too much away.
Learn to spot the signs of people-pleasing, and have enough respect for yourself to wake up from the nightmare of overgiving. Accept who you are and accept what you need from this life. You have as much right to be happy and fulfilled as anyone else in your life, but you’ll only start to believe that when you learn how to drop the excuses and recognize that avoidance is not equivalent to growth. Life is hard and it only gets harder, the more pieces of ourselves we give away. Master the arts of emphatic asserstion and learn how to love yourself again. Because no one can ever love you as well as you can love yourself, because no one has the strength and beauty that you do.
