Summary

The author posits that while people may try to change, they ultimately revert to their true nature over time, suggesting that long-term change is unsustainable.

Abstract

The article delves into the psychology of change, arguing that people's fundamental nature is unlikely to change significantly despite their efforts. The author, who has a background in psychology, observes that individuals may attempt to alter their behavior to meet expectations or needs, but such changes are often temporary. Stress and familiarity tend to bring out innate traits and patterns. The piece uses personal anecdotes, such as the change in her husband's behavior after marriage, to illustrate that what may seem like change is often just a person becoming more of what they've always been. The author emphasizes the distinction between personality, which is the external appearance and behavior, and character, which represents deeper, more permanent traits. The article concludes that expecting someone to change who they are at their core is not only unfair but also unrealistic, and that people cannot sustain a facade indefinitely.

Opinions

The author believes that people can make deliberate decisions to act a certain way, but these decisions are difficult to sustain over time.
Under stress, individuals are likely to revert to familiar patterns and their comfort zone.
The author suggests that wanting someone to change is often at odds with what they want for themselves.
Character, as opposed to personality, is formed early in life and is resistant to change.
The article implies that expecting someone to change their basic nature is both unfair and a setup for disappointment and betrayal.
The author reflects on her experience with clients in her career as a criminal defense attorney, noting that even those with many gifts often fail to change their behavior over the long term.
The piece hints at the potential benefits of clear roles and expectations in relationships, drawing a parallel with the historical context of arranged marriages.
The author concludes that people do not fundamentally change, and that attempting to do so is exhausting and ultimately futile.

PERSONAL ESSAY | PSYCHOLOGY | RELATIONSHIPS

People Don’t Change, They Just Become More of What They’ve Always Been

Pretending to be someone else is exhausting

It’s upsetting when someone turns out to be different than we thought. Than we counted on them to be.

We feel disappointed. Betrayed. Sometimes, we feel afraid.

While I have a degree in psychology, I’m not a psychologist. However, just from general observation, I’ve come to believe that people can and do make deliberate decisions to carry on their lives in a certain way, for purposes that serve them at the time. Perhaps even fool themselves. But behaving differently than one’s natural inclination is very difficult, if not impossible, to sustain over a long period of time, even if you want to.

Why is that?

Wants and needs get in the way. It’s really hard to constantly be swimming upstream, against the current. Have you ever seen what salmon look like after swimming upstream for days to spawn? They begin to slowly rot while still alive.

They’re called ‘zombies’ for a reason.

I believe that sometimes a person really wants to be that changed, shining star, rising from the ashes that others need them to be. But if the change goes contrary to their basic nature, it becomes more and more difficult. Under stress, they tend to revert to familiar patterns, to their comfort zone.

Water always seeks its own level. We’re all more comfortable in our natural habitat. While it’s upsetting, it shouldn’t be all that hard to comprehend that what we want for someone may not be what they want for themselves.

When it comes to normal relationships, I don’t think people change so much as what they want and need changes. As time passes, they grow into themselves, become more of what they’ve always been. And probably less inclined to hide it.

For instance, during our courtship, my husband never farted in my presence. Ever. Imagine my dismay when later, he displayed the alarming propensity to fart often, and with great gusto. He was proud of himself. Sailors have farting contests and the man who can fart loudest and longest is considered a real hero.

“How is it you never farted in front of me before we were married?” I asked.

“It was hard,” he responded.

Still, while farting can be considered a lack of good manners by some, (me), it’s not a lack of character.

Personality generally relates to who we seem to be, while character represents who we truly are. Personality is the outer appearance and behavior, while character is indicative of inner traits that are hidden. Personality is given to change, but character is much more long-lasting.

Character is formed early. In my experience, behavior may change, but I don’t think basic character does. Not only has my personal life taught me that, but my career as a criminal defense attorney removed any doubt I may have had.

I’ve had clients who had absolutely every gift — physical beauty, charm, intelligence, charisma — who simply could not control their behavior for an extended period of time. Over and over again.

It was heartbreaking to see. Occasionally scary.

When it comes to domestic relationships, perhaps people who lived in the days of arranged marriages had it right. Maybe marriage is much more like a business that works better as a partnership than a love story.

The beauty, if it can be called that, of arranged marriages was that everybody knew their role. Of course there were horror stories, but in general, I think it worked. It worked because everyone understood the rules.

Everyone had a role to play, a role that was universally understood. It’s easier to function if you know the rules.

Expectations are a heavy burden. We often trick ourselves into believing that what we want is what someone else wants, too. Or should want. It’s unfair, even cruel, to expect someone to be something they’re not, or to take on roles they didn’t sign up for.

It never works. And then we later bleat about how unfair it is that we’ve been betrayed.

I think my ex husband tried very hard most days to be what everyone expected him to be, myself included. It was too great a burden. He couldn’t live up to it, and in the end, it killed him.

It’s not an excuse for bad behavior, of course. But it is a reason.

In summary, I just don’t believe people really change. I believe when we become enamored of someone, either as a friend or a love interest, we cheerfully ignore anything we don’t want to see. The other person tries their hardest, too. We both try to present ourselves in the best possible light. As time passes, people just naturally let down their guard, and become more of what they’ve always been.

It’s exhausting to live otherwise. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.

People can’t hide what they are, or want, forever. Not from someone else, and certainly not from themselves.

— C

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