Memoir, Bullying

Peer Group Bullying: The Cool Girls Save the Day

I’ll bloody ‘ave her if she talks down to you again

Don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine.

Taylor Swift.

My last few memoirs on Lipstick and Powder have been more about my home life, chatting about friends and crushes. In this one, I am going to return to that old enemy — the bully!

Fun at the Start

I previously mentioned how in the first year of secondary school, a classmate turned on me for a week and fired slurs across the playground. It wasn’t pretty but I moved forward in a friendship group which consisted of Jane and Victoria who I had known since primary school, and a girl called Anna who was very keen on Victoria.

I had already come across Anna as she happened to be sitting next to me when we had to do our first maths test, and copied most of my answers. Consequently, we’d both ended up in the top maths set, where she had proceeded to pair up with me to continue the good work she was doing!

When the four of us became a unit at lunch and breaktimes, Anna made an effort to be pleasant. Looking back, I can see the reason was because she most likely wanted to keep Victoria’s approval, and as I have mentioned before, Victoria had always liked me.

However, at first I had no reason to mistrust her and was friendly in return. And for a while I think we genuinely got on. Even though I was not a loud girl, I had a sharp, witty tongue and without really trying seemed to be able to make people laugh.

Anna invited me to her house to stay over on a Friday afternoon/evening. I can’t say at that point — twelve years old— I remember having been on many sleepovers. On the bus back to where she lived, I had her in stitches, and she ended up literally wetting herself. The amusing thing here is I’d had the same effect on Victoria once when she was over at my home. Seems odd looking back.

Anna’s house was so cool. Her mum made pottery and there was a whole area of her arty bits in this massive open-plan kitchen. They had a huge pylon on their front lawn, and I suspect they had been compensated well for allowing it to stand on their land.

The back garden housed their caravan and this is where Anna and I hung out and slept. I must say it felt very grown up. But Anna was far more mature physically and practicality wise than me. Rather than just being a few months older, many would have thought there was a couple of years difference in our ages — indeed I have a photo-booth shot of us from this time which confirms these thoughts.

I awoke screaming in the middle of the night — having a nightmare. This was a usual occurrence for me, probably due to the difficult few years I had gone through earlier in my life. Anna was great and sat up talking, then cooked us sausages on the caravan hob! I had the best time…

Peer Group Intimidation

I think you can tell from what I have written about Anna so far, she was a bit of an opportunist, and you’d be right. However, this side of her personality evolved further and once she found herself secure in her friendship with Victoria, she became intimidating while wrapping her verbal abuse up in the package of so-called friendship.

Jane got the brunt of her behaviour but every so often Anna would choose to single me out, all the while making the scene out to be a joke, as she criticised my looks, clothes or choices. This could take on a kind of physical element too, where she would hold me or Jane in a strong embrace whilst verbally crucifying us.

It is weird how the members of our small group did not intervene. I don’t recall attempting to stop this when Jane was the target. Perhaps because we were all supposed friends, at first it didn’t seem like it was bullying.

After several months I spoke to Jane about it, and we both agreed the nastiness was taking its toll. Self-esteem at such a vulnerable age can easily be detrimentally effected — we were not enjoying our leisure time at school any more

I decided I wanted out from my group. However, when I tried to leave Anna put pressure on me to stay, and I caved, as by this time we were thirteen and friendship groups were already established. It was not the done thing to simply walk up to some other kids and ask to be part of their tribe.

I didn’t know what to do until a few of the cool girls came to my rescue.

Cool Girls Rescue

In any class, there is a hierarchy. The cool girls — those who were extra pretty, popular with the boys or naughty in some way — were at the top of the pack. At the bottom were the awkward kids — sometimes nerds or clumsy individuals who were taking time to find themselves. I fell in the middle section at this time. Although later in my school days I advanced a little higher.

In class, we had to sit in alphabetical order, which meant on my table of four — I sat with the same three girls for any form lessons.

Berney and I happened to get the school bus together. And the other two girls were viewed as cool. There was Jacqueline — pretty and popular with boys, and the naughty kid of the class, Taylor. She lived in a children's home and was hard as nails, unless you took time to get to know her and realised she was a pussycat.

Looking back, it is funny how those girls who I didn’t consider as my close friends, actually treated me with respect. Jacqueline was one of those. Rather than criticising my looks, she made the effort to teach me how to do my makeup and hair for the school disco. At this time, even though we really could not yet afford to buy many new clothes, my mum had recognised the importance of the event and bought me the latest kind of skirt. These two things gave me a confidence boost and I decided to tell my table about the problem I had with Anna.

Well, it turned out none of them were keen on her, as she was known to be a prime manipulator. It didn't surprise them when I explained I wanted out from under her thumb, but after my first failed attempt didn’t know how to do this.

Immediately, Taylor said something like, “I’ll bloody ‘ave her if she talks down to you again.”

From then on, Taylor always had my back — even when my back was fine.

Berney said she would talk to her friends as someone else had just been allowed to join them, and she didn’t see why they would say no to me. We were of a similar standing in the class, and she was a really pleasant girl — I enjoyed her company, so this seemed like an option.

And… by the end of the week I told Anna to get stuffed and was busy making new friends thanks to Berney. I did ask Jane to join me on my adventure, but by now she was too insecure to leave the other two.

Once I had moved on, Anna became more courteous towards me. Perhaps she admired my strength of character?

Peer Group Bullying

Friendship group bullying can have a more detrimental effect on a child than being intimidated by someone who is not your pal, because they are unlikely to see the bully as their enemy. Which messes with a young mind.

If anyone had asked Anna, she would probably have said I was a good friend of hers. Yet on occasions she chose to treat me no better than a toy she despised.

This kind of bullying may often go unnoticed, as peer pressure can create environments in which individuals are too intimidated to speak out on behalf of the one being bullied. On the surface this does seem slightly odd, as if the bystanders laugh when someone is being picked on, the bully will view this as support. However, the friends witnessing the scene may have done this, as they are simply trying to lessen the severity of the bullying act.

Another reason why other members in the group may not intervene is fear of becoming the next target.

I think a combination of both of the above let Anna rule the roost for a while, until I finally bit back.

An interesting turn of events occurred a few years later. I had forgiven Anna — perhaps because she had once made me sausages in the middle of the night 😜 — and I became the person to stand up for her when the tables turned, and she was the one being bullied by a group of 6th form girls.

As for Jane and Victoria, we remained good friends for a long time. And Jane is still one of my best friends to this day.

Have you ever stood by and watched a friend be bullied?

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