Pause and Be Patient — My Approach to Parenting Gender Non-conforming Kids
Balancing support with caution and common sense
Last week I booked my daughter an appointment at the bank; it was another step in moving from child to grown-up. Naturally, I knew what the transaction would entail, but what I didn’t expect was having gender identity part of the equation.
The bank representative was a young woman, at most thirty. She was bright, bubbly, and enthusiastic about her job of bringing in new youth accounts and introducing banking to the next generation of adults. Right from the start, she referred to my daughter as “he.” He has no fees. He has no limitations on transactions and so on.
At the first “he,” my shoulders hitched up an inch, but I said nothing. My daughter remained facing the employee, but I felt her eyes slide over at me for a peek. Then, taking my cue of not making the issue an issue, she said nothing. The banking process continued with many more “he’s” dropped in. I remained impassive. I learned from earlier lessons that this wasn’t my issue, and I don’t get to own it.
In my previous article, I remarked on times that this occurred — people identifying my daughter as a boy. At first, I found this hard to understand. My daughter has a feminine name. She has a small frame and, to me, clearly a girl face: small nose, soft eyebrows, pretty eyes, freckles across the bridge of her nose, color in raised cheekbones, a lovely mouth, and a feminine jawline.
How could they not see an intelligent, confident, happy, and brilliant girl? But, like all strangers looking at a child who isn’t theirs, when presented with short hair, no makeup, and a dressed-down ensemble — the “he’s” continued.
Then, when it came to signing the various forms, it dawned on the bank employee that she may have assumed a gender.
“What pronouns would you like to use?” she asked.
Still, I said nothing. This was not my issue. Maybe that’s part of the script now? Or, it’s the new normal, and I still haven’t processed how much the world is changing.
“Hmm, well —” my child leaned forward in the chair, “Can I change my pronouns later if I want to?”
I was immediately proud.
“Oh yes! Of course!” the employee answered. “We are all about you feeling totally comfortable in whichever way suits you, and you can change any of your personal information at any time.”
“Thank you, that’s really nice of you.” my child answered. Her tone reflected her appreciation, and her posture showed confidence. “She/her is fine.”
As we settled in the car to head home, she smiled at me and said, “Thanks, Dad. Even though you were silent, I could feel your support. I’m really happy.”
Addressing personal parental questions.
Do I want my child to be on this gender identity journey? No, I do not. Why? Because it produces the opposite of what a parent wants to see in their child’s life — anxiety, stress, difficulty, exclusion, discrimination, abuse, division, and bigotry, with heavy doses of pain and suffering. It’s not an easy path. I don’t wish it for anyone, but this is the way.
Should you step in and correct strangers who misgender your child? As mentioned in the previous article, my daughter was never embarrassed at being called a boy; she was embarrassed when her mother or I corrected the mistake and over-asserted, “It’s ‘she,’ she’s a girl.”
I remembered the anger and hurt in my daughter’s voice when she told us how she felt terrible about herself each time we corrected someone. “I like it when people think I’m a boy. I don’t care what they think; why should you? You know who I am!” And that scolding came years ago. I remembered her pain.
Do I want my child to advocate for herself? Absolutely. My child and I talk a lot about accountability and taking ownership. I will support her, as a person, in whatever decisions she makes, but she has to defend them. I believe that if your child is adamant about something, then it’s on them to define and stand behind their words.
Balancing Action with Accountability.
The topic of gender identity and inclusion is a complicated and emotional one. We, as parents, want to provide our children with the best possible avenue for success, health, and happiness.
On the other hand, we must also contemplate essential questions — questions that non-conforming youths may not give appropriate consideration, due to their limited life experience, and a sort of tunnel vision, seeing one solution to ease their pain.
Questions such as;
- What are the hazards of acting too quickly — versus the dangers of not acting at all?
- How can we help our children now, while remaining cognizant of who they may become later?
- How may our child’s life improve or worsen? What is the gain?
- Do we allow for puberty to run its course, allowing age-appropriate behaviors to produce necessary experiences, and thus allowing maturity to come through the only process possible — time?
- Do we understand what is authentic in our child’s concerns and what is not? Are the choices coming from a genuine place or social pressures, influences, and trends?
- Is it more about sexuality than gender? Could declaring oneself as gay be enough? Is transition necessary?
- How important is it to maintain and insert the principles and guidelines of our generation?
- When do we shift from parental guidance to self-governance?
And the overriding question we must ask is: Are we doing them harm?
The very adult issues of gender non-conforming kids
To help govern myself and my reactions, I follow two rules:
1. Apply caution.
2. Visualize the worst possible outcomes.
Then call upon patience to proceed. That patience doesn’t always have to be yours — nature plays a role, if we allow for it.
I know from discussions with my daughter that she’s in a state of transition, not yet ready to make a lifelong choice. One week she says she knows she’s a boy and will pursue making that a reality. A week later, she’s talking about how she can’t wait to have kids and raise them back in the homestead where her mom grew up.
This makes me imagine the worst possible outcome, and pause.
I imagine being in the “anything to validate, please, and appease” camp. Hormone therapy and surgery take place. Then, when she’s in her mid-to-late twenties, things change — she wants something else for herself that’s now not nearly as straightforward because of the transition. She’s angry, and blames us for allowing this reality to happen.
She would be right. It would be our fault. We shirked our responsibility to do no harm in our efforts to make her happy and give her the life she thought she wanted.
She was a child. We failed her. It’s our fault. We were the adults.
Aside from the physical, mental, and emotional suffering we allowed, and aside from the shame, we could also be held criminally responsible. Nothing in this world is impossible, and being taken to task for rash decisions, no matter how good the intention, is a real consideration.
Actions have consequences.
We parents must always keep our responsibility to our children at the forefront of our decision-making process with the heavy knowledge that this is one thing we can’t screw up. There are no take-backs, try again, or do-overs.
Our children have one childhood, a singular innocence. Despite their immature thought process, we must remember that our children trust us to do the right thing without understanding our academic and experience-based knowledge.
We must believe in ourselves as much as we believe in them.
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