TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE

Pat Died Today, Which is What He Wanted

I am heartbroken

Anyone who tells you it’s easy to be a stepparent has never been a stepparent.

Pat and I bonded over our roles.

He married my husband’s ex, a beautiful gentle woman. He became a stepdad.

His wife was fragile. After a few health issues, such as a small stroke one Christmas, I noticed she was getting thinner. I could see the fragility. She was like a bar of ivory soap, getting smaller and smaller. Tiny, tiny, with little bones like a small bird.

Pat was fiercely protective of her, especially as she was ordered here and there by a difficult family member, which I won’t say much about here. It’s too near, too close.

“No,” he said. He would not put his dear fragile wife on a train to travel for four hours without him.

“No,” he said. She would not be going into any high-demands situations with family members.

“No,” he said. She cannot drive. Stop asking.

Often, these family members would come to me and complain about his protectiveness. I backed him up. I knew his wife wasn’t long for this world, and mentioned that gently to others.

“That can’t be true! She’s only 64!” they said.

I know what I know.

That year, she died in October. Pat was crushed.

He put lipstick on her, so she’d look pretty to meet Jesus. That’s what he said.

I wanted to die hearing this. I am not a religious person, but I am spiritual, and I have a deep love for people who are sad. It’s just my nature. I am empathetic. I want to cook, hold them, listen to them. Be there. And I was there as much as I could be.

Over the last few years, we’ve had dinners, texted, done holidays together. I always invited Pat. Always.

I worked hard to convince my husband that we had to pull all the family together, every time we had a holiday. It was not yours, mine, and theirs. It was our family.

Every one. Jay was the dad. We would have dinners with all of them. Even if it meant befriending his ex’s husband. We could do it, and we would do it, for the kids.

In other words, I made beloved family members out of Jay’s ex and her husband. And Pat and I agreed on a lot.

After his wife died, Jay’s ex, he floundered. He found another girlfriend, and proposed nearly immediately, then backed out.

Another incident happened, in which people saw him playing with a revolver, acting odd.

He was depressed. He couldn’t shake the sadness, and missed his wife. A few years went by.

There was an incident with him in a car, driving with that gun above. Cops pulled him over, “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” he said, “I’m just tired.” And they let him drive home.

This morning, he walked himself outside of the house, so as not to damage the home he shared with his wife. His new girlfriend was there, and they were getting married in March. That won’t be happening now.

He was gone fast.

And I am shattered.