Parn Is the New Affordable Housing

I work for Walmart now, and I’m also a garbageman

I was recently recruited into a crocheting circle. Before you turn away, understand this: it wasn’t my idea. I showed up for the Mat Group thinking I’d learn self-defense, but instead a cadre of ladies were crocheting mats for the homeless.

I froze as I imagined the likely dialogue:

“Gee, I think I’m in the wrong group.”

“Don’t you want to help the homeless?”

“Er.”

So I sat down, thinking Si, Se Puede!

Mostly it looked like sorting through multi-colored plastic bags, mindlessly chatting away about who recently had surgery or died.

Then Chloe arrived, and everyone was very excited because apparently she’d been away for some time. She pulled out a six foot by three foot plastic crocheted mat in a rainbow of colors from her tote bag and my jaw literally dropped open.

It looked hard, like black-belt hard. Yet, I really wanted to be homeless in that moment so I could own that mat.

Then I got blindsided with a question that sounded innocent enough.

“Would you like to be a crocheter?”

“Uh.”

“Oh, yes, we need crocheters!” someone else piped in.

When I found a ball of PARN in my hand (that’s plastic yarn), I knew it was too late. Chloe got me started. Then re-started. The unwound, and re-restarted.

I was sweating like a miniature horse at a rodeo when I realized I was in way too deep to back out.

Listen up, youngins’, this is where you’ll be sleeping soon

As the climate degrades, and affordable housing becomes a fast-fading pipe dream, we will all be unhoused soon. This is why you, even if you are young and spry, should be learning how to crochet your own plastic mat.

Picture the top of a cheap lawn chair, but more homemade. Something you might buy in a funky recycled-only shop in Austin, Texas. Y’know, it’s called ReCyclops, and it’s run by a one-eyed fellow called Drifty.

The mats are popular with people who are unhoused, because they provide a cushion, are cleanable, and are extremely durable.

If you don’t believe they are durable, picture the continent-sized pile of plastic currently floating in our ocean.

The mats are made entirely from recycled shopping bags, most of which originate from Walmart. But we have way too many Walmart bags, which come in the unfortunate color of white. White mats are not prized, since they show the dirt.

I’ve got a mean L hook

I crocheted the first row, which Patty kept reminding me was the hardest. Until I got to the second row, then Patty mentioned that one was pretty hard, too.

Chloe, who it turns out is great at everything and had just rushed in from a rehearsal in the local theatrical production, remained patient. She did mention that I was overthinking it.

I find that difficult to believe as the expression on my face was more akin to a tranquilized deer.

After the circle broke up and I agreed to come back in two weeks, I took my white ball of parn home.

It’s sitting next to my chair. I went out and bought an “L” crochet hook, at Walmart, which they put in a white plastic bag. I pick up the L hook every now and then and make a few stitches so I won’t forget.

The next meeting is this week and I’m hoping I don’t need remedial instruction. At least I can remember everyone’s name.

Should we be called parnists or parnographers?

But getting back to the point of this piece, and I do have a point: we six parnists — parn artists — are the seed of a worldwide movement. Soon, given the amount of plastic bags that exist on the planet, everyone will be sleeping on a bed of parn.

Except that sounds dirty, so it’ll be renamed. Maybe WARN for Walmart yarn?

This IS the future, so I’d advise getting down to Walmart, or wherever you shop, and purchasing a crochet hook.

I believe we can build nearly anything out of recycled plastic bags if we have enough older ladies sitting in circles, and people like Chloe — and from experience, I know there are a lot of Chloe’s out there making me question my self-worth and general aptitude.

We can rebuild our failing US infrastructure.

We can create a new infrastructure out of plastic! When it collapses, it will not injure anyone. Our housing will not hurt us, because we will all be sleeping on the ground very soon. It will simply cover us all up in a giant pile of shopping bags, which is exactly what we deserve.

I write humor, most of which is funny. No one knows why, but it keeps me off the streets. I also write True Crime, because crime pays. You can find my work on Medium, or on my website at jxcampbell.com.