Parents Should Practice More and Preach Less

A better alternative in parenting

“A nuh same day leaf drop a water bottom it rotten.”( Jamaican dialect)

“Show me your company, and I’ll tell you who you are.”

“That's your assignment; go figure it out!”

These are just some of the phrases and parables my mother would communicate to my siblings and me. It was her way to let us know she had her eyes on us.

She seemingly had one parable to fit every situation waiting for one of us to mess up so she could use them.

She had a library of sayings with her at all times. I remember her using some native cultural mind-boggling Jamaican dialect phrases that we didn’t even quite understand as children. When we asked the meaning, she would respond in her stern tone voice.

“That's your assignment; go find out!”

It was also obvious my mother only uses parables when we misbehaved. The ones I mentioned above were used when she suspects my brother might have been hanging out with the wrong crowd. He had better watch out or risk getting a good whipping with a belt she had, especially for him.

My mother never walked the life she talked about

Looking back, I wish my mother herself had practiced some of the messages she uttered to us — children are quicker to learn from the daily habits they see in action and not necessarily what they are told.

My mother didn't have friends that were good influencers. Instead, they all seem to settle for a similar circumstance — dependent on their husband or partner for financial support.

I never saw these other women or my mother involved in uplifting community activities. They never seem to work towards anything to better themselves.

Instead, my mother was comfortably stagnant and unwilling to change or learn anything new until this day. At 73, my mother struggles with using a simple cell phone beyond dialing a number and saying hello when it rings.

She wouldn't attempt a simple text message or share a joke on whats app either.

That’s my mother…. then and now.

I can’t remember my mother saying to my siblings or me, “Have you done your homework, or how was your day at school?. She never read a book to us or encouraged reading within the household.

Finding inspiration and examples elsewhere

Luckily for me, I started reading at an early age. My neighbor gifted me some books I showed interest in that she had tossed aside in the corner of her front porch while she renovated her house.

Those books help me realize there were different kinds of principles to life than those I saw the people around me lived.

I wasn’t clear about the life I wanted even in my mid-teens, but I was always clear about the life I didn’t want to emulate since a child — It wasn't the kind I saw around me in my community or the one my mother portrayed.

That mindset steered me toward the life I would eventually live as I got older and become a woman.

Today, I am thankful to other women I admired and for experts who provided insights and guidance through books, I would otherwise read when I became a mother.

But it was a little poem that hung on the wall at a Book Store in the rural town I lived in at the time that caught my eyes one day as I browse its isle.

The title read, “Children learn what they live,” written by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.,

Today, I want to share it with you.

Children Learn What They Live — by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and those around them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Practice the life that you want your children to live

As I reflect on the years I have actively parented my son, I’ll admit, I hadn’t gotten it right all of the time, but I tried, for the most part.

Thanks to the guidance and principles I imparted to him by practicing rather than preaching.

I read books with my son and taught him the value of reading. I was involved with his school assignments and ensured he had all the tools he needed to succeed.

I taught him kindness by practicing kindness toward others for him to see. My friends were influential people who elevated me and encouraged me to be a better person. My son knows the importance and value of choosing the company he keeps by observing my friends and me.

My son learned the value of money because I wouldn't spoil him with everything he wants unless it was necessary. My son knew how to save and prioritize his money from an early age.

I showed him the importance of empathy, kindness, and gratitude by using them as standards in my everyday living.

Today, I see a young man with qualities I instilled in him, integrating into society with optimism, good principles, and respect for others, and big confidence in himself.

Parenting is a forever job. Even when your children are grown and are on a journey of their own. Your children will always remember the things they do with you rather than what you told them to do.

If you’re actively parenting today, I encourage you to practice around your children the principles you want to instill in them rather than preaching to them.

Children learn what they live and not necessarily what you tell them.

What are some of the things you can remember your parents’ doing with you that stayed with you today?.. Let's start a conversation in the comment.