Raising Parents
For Parents, The Teaching Never Stops
Sometimes they learn, and other times, we all learn.
The Conversation
She called me yesterday to say hello. She sounded tired. Usually, she’s very upbeat, but yesterday she sounded tired.
Parents can usually read between the lines with their kids. We “just know”, am I right? Of course I am. I even have a t-shirt that says, “I smoke cigars, and I know things.” So I must be right.
When I asked if everything was ok, she responded, “I guess so … just everyday stuff.”
So of course my follow-up was “what’s wrong?” Her comment of “nothing really” was her attempt to deflect the question, albeit half-heartedly. I waited again.
Silence. (Let her think and then she’ll share more.)
Frustration with her daughter, who at 19 years of age has a job making milkshakes and no immediate plans for her future, was the crux of what was bothering my daughter. It’s an issue that entails financial and personal responsibility, not uncommon for kids her age and their parents.
My granddaughter pays for half her car costs and half her insurance. Otherwise, she lives with her mom and doesn’t share other costs with her mother. Staying up all night and meeting guys online in distant places (last week it was Wisconsin, this week Japan) has become an issue as well.
Now on a roll, my daughter was telling me about all this, reiterating that her daughter refuses to listen, refuses to do household chores, and seems like a rudderless ship heading into a storm.
My Daughter
My daughter is a single mother, and her daughter is her world. She’s a successful mother with a job she loves, one who has worked hard her entire life to provide for herself and her daughter.
A flight attendant since September 11th, 2001 (yes … that day), many of the young women she went through training school with had quit after 9/11 happened. I remember asking her if she was going to quit. Her response was ‘classic her’. “HELL NO! I worked too damn hard to get here. No way will I quit!” I’m very proud of her.
She’s been on that job for 23 years, all the while raising her daughter alone. Her journey has been a tough one. She was 21 when she started her job as a flight attendant. Before that, she had tried college and a couple of other jobs, but nothing suited her until she became a flight attendant.
So after she talked about the issues with her daughter, I fell back on some things I knew would make sense to her. I explained to her that as a parent:
- she can’t be her daughter's friend more than her parent.
- she needs to provide guidance, using her own life as a guide.
- she needs to establish rules that will teach responsibility.
My Granddaughter
My granddaughter is a smart cookie. When she was in school, she always maintained good grades, and she worked hard for them. She’s also an excellent artist, has plenty of friends, and seems to be a very happy kid.
But, unlike myself, and unlike her mother, she has no goals and has become lazy, living a wonderful life in a cost-free, rent-free, do-what-you-want scenario living with her mother.
As a parent, I don’t want to tell my daughter how to parent. I just suggested that it’s time for her to stress to her daughter the need to grow up and take on responsibilities, such as cleaning up after herself and keeping the house clean, and splitting costs such as the mortgage, utilities and repairs.
Conclusion — Sometimes we all learn
As parents, it’s part of our job to make sure our kids, and grandkids, can survive in the world around us. Teaching them to handle money, pay bills, and learn responsibilities needed to survive is just a part of the job.
My daughter knows and agrees with all this. She responds, “I know. I know.” She also procrastinates on everything, as does her daughter. They are, as my mother would say, “two peas in a pod”.
Teaching your kids never stops. I have discovered through all of this that as a parent I have become a better teacher and a better communicator as I have grown older. My parental goal is to pass all this wisdom to her.
With wisdom, I have also tried to instill faith in both of my daughters. Faith in one’s self should always be encouraged. This I encouraged my daughter to do now with her daughter. We should encourage and support our children’s dreams.
Teaching them about life and how to handle life’s difficulties is imperative, and includes them taking responsibility for themselves and their actions. Learning to set themselves up for not just success, but for being happy doing something they want is something I have tried to instill in them. Happiness will assure success in anything you do.
Both my daughter and granddaughter just need a bit of a push occasionally. I have faith in them both. Everything will work out.
If not, as I told my daughter, I would be happy to fly out there and give them both a kick in the butt. But only if I fly for free.
