MENTAL HEALTH | THE AUTHENTIC ECLECTIC

Parents Beware: My Hands Were Tied as She Stole My Money Right Before My Eyes

Learn from my 3 mistakes if you have a child in need.

The second I transferred the funds I knew it was wrong.

My gut instincts were strong and not in her favor.

My heart had veto power over my brain too often. I hated that.

Are there red flags? I can’t see them clearly.

Oh, I tried.

It all started when my cell phone rang late one night.

My husband and I both reacted with a what now? look in our eyes.

“Mom,” she pleaded in a teary voice. “I’m ready to get help, I’m done. I am so tired of being sick.”

Yes, I’ve heard this before.

But, this time, this time seemed different.

I asked question after question.

Knowing that lying was second nature for her, I listened closely.

I couldn’t stomach the idea that I may potentially sign off on her death certificate if I turned away from her pleas for help.

Because, what if this was the one time she was sincere?

What if she was really ready for help, and I turned her away?

She had qualified for placement in a transitional living program for kids on the autism spectrum. No such program existed for autism mixed with borderline personality disorder, however.

New Directions for Young Adults (NYFYA) housed autistic students as they taught them real-life skills. Budgeting, eating well, food shopping, and assistance with getting a GED, a high school equivalency diploma, filled her days.

Most of the kids in the program lacked a high school diploma.

Conceptually, the place was an ideal environment for her. My daughter conformed to structure and did well within the confines of a routine.

She floundered.

Many times, throughout her year there, I drove in a panic for 2 hours to rescue her from psychiatric implosions. A few petty theft charges resulted in a stern talking to by judges.

She always got a soft reaction, because they’d say, she was on the spectrum and in that program. My heart would drop.

I knew she needed a firmer disciplinary tactic, but where?

I grappled with when the program would finally click in her mind and help her on the road to personal success and happiness. I hoped.

An even keel eluded her.

Mistake 1: Research and Dig Deep

I wouldn’t find out important information until long after she was effectively kicked out of NDFYA’s program.

The transitional living for kids on the spectrum also intermingled them with court-appointed juvenile drug addicts.

They kept that information so close to the chest that it took strong-arming and digging to find that out, way too late.

Obviously, they didn’t want to lose private paying clients by alerting parents to the potential negative influences up front, if at all.

Of course, she gravitated toward juvenile delinquents.

Looking back, this exposure led to her spiraling deviant actions. My daughter became the people she associated with regardless of their lifestyles.

She was like clay and suggestible. Being accepted by her peers far outweighed the behavioral choices that she knew were wrong.

She cried when she called that night but sounded focused. She was ready for psychiatric help.

My daughter rapidly ticked off the reasons she was exhausted from her personality disorder.

She wanted to voluntarily admit herself to residential treatment.

She told me she was at the intake desk with a counselor.

I was on high alert. The background noise seemed to fit.

Lots of voices, clattering, and sounds of a busy clinic filtered in and out.

Mistake 2: Never Ignore Even a Tiny Red Flag

“Mom, I need $400 to be admitted. Please, Mom, I’m ready. The line is so long, and they only have a couple of spots left. The counselor said if I wait until tomorrow, the beds may be filled.”

A request for cash is a red flag.

My dread mixed with a bit of hope.

I safeguarded my psyche, though, and dug for confirmation.

I asked for the name of the facility and the counselor, both of which she gave me. I scribbled them down as my husband looked over my shoulder.

He started his google search.

Can I speak to the gentleman doing your intake?

“Yeah, Mom. But, be quick because people are waiting. I’m holding up the line.”

The counselor used all the proper terminology in answering my questions. He portrayed himself as both smooth and cool, but compassionate and understanding.

He confirmed the intake details and put a rush on me to close out this process. He was very busy, you know.

Being rushed to make a decision is a red flag.

My undoing started when he pulled the sympathy card.

“I know how difficult this is for parents and you’re exhausted,” he said.

Yes, Oh my God, yes.

My daughter came back to the phone with increased anxiety.

Out of body, I heard myself saying, I am so glad you are ready to get help. Put him back on the line and I’ll arrange payment.

“You can’t mom. I’m over 18 and everything has to be in my name.”

“They charge my debit card, so you have to transfer the money to mine and then they process it.”

Her dad found the facility name, but he was unable to locate the staff directory to confirm the counselor’s name.

I bought time with our daughter for as long as I could. I simultaneously set up the transfer of money on my phone but hesitated, with guilt.

Why? Why don’t I want to help my daughter help herself?

Am I that jaded with a heart of stone?

What mom thinks this way when their child is in need?

What happens if she crosses the line, because I denied her this opportunity, and her subsequent actions result in fatal consequences?

Mistake 3: A Mentally Ill Person Must Earn Trust

She and the counselor had successfully jumped through all the hoops I threw their way.

Okay, I’ll do it. Please call me tomorrow and let me know your schedule and timing. I’ll send it through in a minute.

I’m proud of you.

My finger hesitated over the mobile banking page.

I never transferred funds directly to her and for good reasons. I only paid a doctor or facility directly. She is not trustworthy and I knew that.

“They’re telling me my turn is over and they need to take the next patient. I am losing the bed. Please, hurry.”

“Thank you, Mommy, I am so tired. I love you.”

I love you, too.

I had asked my husband to quickly call the clinic and ask for the counselor on staff. As the delay in a response outweighed the urgency in my daughter’s voice, I did the unthinkable against all of my nagging instincts.

I looked at the bank transfer and pressed ‘send.’

Just as I heard a car horn in the background, she hung up the phone. My husband was told no such employee existed.

A car horn is never in a clinic. She was on a street corner. This red flag hit me over the head and could not be ignored.

I couldn’t reverse my action.

All I could do was watch as the debits hit that night.

The liquor store was first.

A clothing store was second. In a poof, the entire $400 was depleted.

She had made friends with a boy that was well-versed in rehab terminology. He had been in and out of facilities as an addict and a patient. He knew the drill.

Assuming the role of the intake counselor was easy for him.

They took more time concocting devious plans than they invested in learning transitional living.

That’s what mental illness in your child can look like.

I did indeed make three mistakes.

• I didn’t go deep when I researched New Directions for Young Adults in Deerfield Beach, Florida. All appointments and assessments on-site look great when you desperately want them to be a great fit.
• I felt the red flags she was hiding so adeptly and still dismissed them. My gut instinct was to dig my heels in and I didn’t.
• I let my heart overrule my brain. I was taken yet again. I gave her trust before she earned it.

It is not cold to be wary of the mentally ill who have a long history of deception. Boundaries are imperative for everyone’s wellness.

Parents Beware

You may not see the red flags, but you can feel them.

Listen to your instincts and trust what you know.

Loving your child is not unconditional.

Sometimes love has to be guarded to let logic prevail.

Read on to see what happened after that program.

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