Summary

The article provides guidance for parents on effective strategies for parenting teenagers, emphasizing the importance of focusing on one's own actions, avoiding long lectures, and choosing battles wisely.

Abstract

The article "Parenting Your Teenager: Stop Trying to Put Pants on a Gorilla" offers insights into the challenges of parenting teenagers and suggests six key strategies to improve communication and behavior management. The author, a single father and experienced youth counselor, advises parents to shift their focus from trying to control their teenagers to managing their own responses and actions. He recommends against lengthy lectures, suggesting that information should be conveyed in short, impactful messages, ideally in settings like car rides. The article also cautions against "adultisms," or expecting teenagers to think and act like adults, and instead suggests recognizing the dual nature of adolescents as both children and emerging adults. Discipline should be immediate and short-term to be effective, and parents are encouraged to accept that not every issue needs to be a power struggle. The author illustrates his points with personal anecdotes and emphasizes the importance of picking battles and allowing teenagers some autonomy when they demonstrate responsibility.

Opinions

Lecturing is ineffective; teenagers, much like adults, are unlikely to listen to or absorb long-winded speeches.
Grounding or restricting teenagers for extended periods can be counterproductive, as the impact diminishes over time.
Parents should avoid the trap of turning every situation into a control issue, as this can provoke teenagers to assert their independence in unproductive ways.
It's important for parents to remember what it was like to be a teenager and to empathize with their child's perspective.
"Because I said so" is sometimes the most appropriate response when explaining rules or decisions to teenagers.
Parents should celebrate their teenagers' positive behaviors and achievements, even if they involve minor transgressions like skipping school to eat at Burger King.

Parenting | Parenting Teenagers | Parenting Tips

Parenting Your Teenager: Stop Trying to Put Pants on a Gorilla

And make these winning moves instead…

It’s easy to see a title like this one and think:

“Oh great! Another liberal minded ivory tower dweller who’s never had kids is gonna tell me how to raise mine!”

I’d call that good, healthy skepticism.

And I’d also call that “Not Me!”

First of all, as a single Dad I’ve raised 2 of them without killing either. And we still like to be around each other even when we don’t have to be.

And I’ve worked with teenagers and their parents since I was 19, so kinda like Farmer’s Insurance:

“I know a few things because I’ve seen a few things!”

With that said, here are 6 losing moves to stop doing now. Followed by winning moves for each:

1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make your teen-ager do

It doesn’t work. When our kids are infants, we are in total charge. Between ages 3 to 13, kids still really like us, and often will go along with what we want.

However, from 13 on they realize they are as big as we are, and they can really do a lot of what they want.

Winning Move: So, stop focusing on what you are going to make them do and start focusing on what you are going to do.

How you are going to respond to what they do; what you will give and what you will withhold; how you are going to model good choices for them.

Focus on what you are going to do, because it’s the only thing you can really control.

2. STOP lecturing

You didn’t listen when your parents did it, so what makes you think your kids are going to listen to you?

Winning Move: The same information can be conveyed over time in short bursts.

Keep it short and sweet.

One of the best places to do the short and sweet stuff is while riding in the car. You have a captive audience, and you are both looking ahead and not staring at each other.

Usually with background music.

3. STOP using adultisms

We commit an adultism when we forget what it’s like to be a teen — to think and reason and experience the world as a teen — and expect a teen-ager, who has never been an adult, to think, act, reason and experience the world like an adult.

Winning Move: With a 16 year old, always remember you are dealing with a 16 year old going on 6, and a 16 year old going on 26, all at the same time.

4. STOP grounding or restricting them for long periods of time

By long I mean, except for the most enormous of infractions, any longer than two weeks.

For adults, two weeks is like a snap of the fingers — gone.

For most teens, two weeks seems like forever, which causes diminishing positive results the longer the grounding.

Winning Move: Consequences need to be strong enough to get their attention, swift enough after the infraction to have an effect, and short-term so they can have another chance to do better soon.

5. STOP trying to reason with them about the rules

Here is one event I can guarantee will never happen in your household:

You explain a rule or why you said no to your teenager, and they respond with:

“Well, thank you, Mom and Dad, I never thought of it that way, and now that you have explained it that way to me, I no longer want to go to the movies with David, I feel bad for asking, and I think I’ll just go to bed early and think about the wisdom you just shared with me.”

Winning Move: There are still times when “because I said so” is the best thing you can say.

6. STOP making every issue a battle for control

If every issue is a battle for control, your teen will make every issue a battle for independence.

Remember:

“trying to control a teen-ager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla - it’s just going to frustrate you and make the gorilla very mad.”

Winning Move: Pick your battles. Here’s an example:

One day when I picked up my youngest son from high school, that is in walking distance to 2 dozen places to eat, the following conversation took place:

Son: “Dad, when you were in high school, were there lots of places nearby you could go to eat?”

Dad: “Not really son. There was an I-Hop about 6 miles away, and we made it there a few times…”

Son: “That’s crazy! We have so many places nearby.”

Dad: “You sure do. Which one do you guys sneak off to the most?”

Son: “Burger King. It’s got the most tree cover on the way so we won’t get seen.”

Dad: Chuckling to myself thinking he has no idea what he just confessed to, I thought to myself:

“You know what? He’s a sophomore playing 2 sports, serves at church, has a job, and brings in an A/B average at a tough academic school.”

So all I said was:

“Enjoy your Whopper son.”

Raising teenagers is hard.

You want to get it right.

I want to help.

So here are some more tips for you:

“Yeah, Right” — Top 10 Things to Never Believe From Your Teenager

And how to respond so you don’t get fooled…

medium.com

And how I got from “Counseling Psychologist” to “Content Guy” online:

“I Traded My Couch for a Mouse”

How a Counseling Psychologist Became One of the Good Guys Online

medium.com