Parenting Quiz 2.0
Babies, Toddlers, and Preschoolers — Oh, My!
- Is The Wizard of Oz suitable for ages 4 and under?
a.) Oh hell no. Have you seen the “witch” scenes?
b.) It’s got animal characters in it, right? It’s fiiine.
2. Your son is toilet learning. What do you say to the babysitter who is watching him all day?
a.) “You can put a diaper on him if it’s too much trouble.”
b.) “He’s freeballing it these days. Hope it all works out!”
3. Who will be the first non-family member to witness your two-year-old’s impressive swearing repertoire?
a.) Actually, you’ve managed to avoid using four-letter words around your child and see to it that everyone else does, too
b.) The nurse who gives all the shots at the pediatrician’s office
4. How old will your son be when he can effectively wipe his own ass?
a.) When he’s “ready” or leaves for college, whichever comes first
b.) He’s been good at it since he was four, when his pre-K classmate called him “Tommy Salami-big-underwear-bomb-y”
5. A 9-month-old who is teething should be allowed to gum:
a.) A silicone teether, or a peeled apple (under close supervision only!)
b.) A desiccated chicken nugget, the handle of your shopping cart, or a ketchup-smeared corner of your laminate table at McDonald’s
6. By which metric should you judge whether an object can block a young child’s airway?
a.) The “toilet paper tube” test for chokability
b.) If they’re interested in playing with it, they’ll probably find a way to break and swallow it — worst case scenario. (*Shrug*)
7. That brown thing on the floor of the minivan is probably:
a.) A hand-carved, English Walnut, Christmas ornament in the shape of Baby Jesus
b.) A turd that escaped from someone’s Spider-Man underpants while he was buckling a naked doll into the seatbelt next to him
8. You’re stranded by the side of the freeway. You have enough half-filled, stainless steel water bottles and Goldfish crackers on the floor of your car to last your family:
a.) A few hours at most. You clean your car regularly!
b.) 4–7 days, depending on whether you eat the ones that are cemented to the base of the car seat
Results:
Mostly a.): Congratulations! You’re neurotic enough to parent this age group.
Mostly b.): Nothing fazes you, so you either have a lot of kids or none whatsoever. And if you are a parent, you probably shouldn’t even be doing ANY of this sh*t anymore — let alone the care and keeping of young children. You’re graduating to grandparenting!
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