Parenting Pre-Quiz
Are you ready to be a parent?
- Which would you rather listen to as you’re waking up?
a.) Your Jack Johnson playlist
b.) Someone watching Alvin and the Chipmunks sing Take On Me on YouTube
2. What’s your literary jam?
a.) Anything but Fifty Shades
b.) One Fish, Two Fish…
3. Who’s the bigger boundary crosser?
a.) That guy from the third floor of the library who asked if he could take pictures of your feet
b.) Your mother, who suggested that leashes for children are a good call
4. Do you like preparing food for someone who won’t eat it?
a.) NOPE
b.) Hell yes, hit me with that every day
5. You and your partner have just won a bazillion dollars in the lottery. What’s your first move?
a.) Buying a cliffside bungalow in Pleasure Point
b.) Paying for adequate childcare, and then buying an UPPAbaby Vista 2.0 and a six-bedroom tract home in that neighborhood that does the Christmas lights
6. You’d rather pay attention to:
a.) Sh*t you’ve always cared about
b.) The price per fluid ounce of laundry detergent at Costco versus Grocery Outlet
7. On a scale of 1–10, how much do you enjoy wiping butt?
a.) I’m barely willing to wipe my own
b.) 8–10; I should be a nurse in a convalescent home
8. What are you down for doing this afternoon?
a.) Phish concert
b.) Water polo horseback riding sea scouts school play that is a sassy reboot of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
9. What’s annoying but won’t kill you?
a.) Bay Area Traffic
b.) When your six-year-old rides a tricycle naked around the kitchen while you’re trying to unload the dishwasher
10. You’re willing to drop $5k on:
a.) Making the rent this month or maybe two tickets to Tahiti
b.) Airfare for eight to the bowels of the Midwest, so your kids can hear your 94-year-old gramma* tell stories about life on the farm with one outhouse for twelve kids**
11. The genre of Home Alone is:
a.) Family comedy!
b.) Horror that speaks to distracted moms everywhere
12. Your first post-pandemic flick in the theater has been/will be:
a.) Jack@ss Forever
b.) One of those movies with some kind of special-ops team of gerbils.
Results:
Mostly a.): Give it a few more years and then take this quiz again.
Mostly b.): You’re ready to enroll!
*Come on, she’s old.
**These stories must live on.
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