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Abstract

not watching television. You have so many toys and books!After: you kids are not spending another 8 hours in front of the television or iPad. You’ve already had 4 hours of watching other kids play on YouTube, I think you can at least watch an episode of Magic School Bus so you get an education. Or do something productive, like Minecraft.Before: if they are going to watch anything, then they’ll watch science shows and educational programs.After: I think my 9-year-old is on his third episode of The Walking Dead…at the rate this pandemic is going, he’ll be ready for the apocalypse.Before: we are going to get some sunshine today! Let’s go for a walk! Let’s go for a hike! Let’s take your bikes out!After: I know it’s been a month since we’ve seen daylight but I think you guys should walk with me to the mailbox. Wait, your shoes don’t fit? What the fuck, how long has it been since we stepped outside?Before: you are still getting dressed every day as you did for school.After: (child walks by in pajama top and underwear at 3 pm) well, I guess that’s less laundry to wash.Before: we have a daily schedule. You kids need consistency.After: since it’s Tuesday, my morning will be spent in meetings because I have a presentation. After that, we can play. Wait, it’s THURSDAY? When did that happen?Before: we’re not loading up the

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house with junk food just because we’re home all day.After: daughter yells at me because I took the last of the potato chips and hid behind my desk while shoveling them in my mouth.Before: you still have to do your chores, like putting laundry away each week.After: (trips over 5 full laundry baskets in the hallway) you guys! This is NOT okay! You can easily combine these laundry baskets into 3 when leaving them in the hallway!Before: let’s have regular Zoom play dates to maintain social contact with your peers.After: you got asked to do a Zoom play date with Michael. You don’t remember who Michael is? Well crap, neither do I. I figured you’d remember. We’ll just tell them our internet is down.Before: when the door is closed, that means Mommy is working and can’t be interrupted, okay?After: while presenting in front of 50 coworkers on Webex, children bang on the locked door for 15 minutes straight.Before: don’t worry, this is just temporary. It’ll be six weeks, max. I love you guys so much. I’m so grateful we’re together and healthy.After: OH MY GOD THIS WILL NEVER END I’LL BE STUCK WITH YOU PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE FOREVER.I hope one year from now, I’ll look back on this and laugh. Right now, I’m trying to remember the last time I bathed my kids and if it’s harmful to eat McDonald’s four days in a row.</article></body>

Parenting Before and After the Pandemic

Cheetos are acceptable for dinner.

This kid with the book? Not my post-quarantine child. (Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash)

Hey guys, remember back in March when everything shut down? When we had to work from home, become full-time childcare providers, and schoolteachers?

Remember the shaky optimism we had? Having the kids home to eat healthy snacks will be great! We will spend more time together as a family. Think of all the books and board games! And the hiking…so much nature in our future. My kids weren’t going to be stuck in front of the television all day.

Oh Former-Version-of-Me-From-March, how naive you were. Things have changed, 5 months later.

Before: since we can only buy food from produce delivery companies, we’re going to try all sorts of new and exciting vegetables!

After: I think there’s a microwaveable mac and cheese cup in the back of the pantry. Somewhere is one last can of Disney Princess chicken noodle soup. Or I can heat up a frozen corn dog. Fuck it, eat some Pop Tarts or Doritos. I’m having cereal for dinner.

Before: you kids are not watching television. You have so many toys and books!

After: you kids are not spending another 8 hours in front of the television or iPad. You’ve already had 4 hours of watching other kids play on YouTube, I think you can at least watch an episode of Magic School Bus so you get an education. Or do something productive, like Minecraft.

Before: if they are going to watch anything, then they’ll watch science shows and educational programs.

After: I think my 9-year-old is on his third episode of The Walking Dead…at the rate this pandemic is going, he’ll be ready for the apocalypse.

Before: we are going to get some sunshine today! Let’s go for a walk! Let’s go for a hike! Let’s take your bikes out!

After: I know it’s been a month since we’ve seen daylight but I think you guys should walk with me to the mailbox. Wait, your shoes don’t fit? What the fuck, how long has it been since we stepped outside?

Before: you are still getting dressed every day as you did for school.

After: (child walks by in pajama top and underwear at 3 pm) well, I guess that’s less laundry to wash.

Before: we have a daily schedule. You kids need consistency.

After: since it’s Tuesday, my morning will be spent in meetings because I have a presentation. After that, we can play. Wait, it’s THURSDAY? When did that happen?

Before: we’re not loading up the house with junk food just because we’re home all day.

After: daughter yells at me because I took the last of the potato chips and hid behind my desk while shoveling them in my mouth.

Before: you still have to do your chores, like putting laundry away each week.

After: (trips over 5 full laundry baskets in the hallway) you guys! This is NOT okay! You can easily combine these laundry baskets into 3 when leaving them in the hallway!

Before: let’s have regular Zoom play dates to maintain social contact with your peers.

After: you got asked to do a Zoom play date with Michael. You don’t remember who Michael is? Well crap, neither do I. I figured you’d remember. We’ll just tell them our internet is down.

Before: when the door is closed, that means Mommy is working and can’t be interrupted, okay?

After: while presenting in front of 50 coworkers on Webex, children bang on the locked door for 15 minutes straight.

Before: don’t worry, this is just temporary. It’ll be six weeks, max. I love you guys so much. I’m so grateful we’re together and healthy.

After: OH MY GOD THIS WILL NEVER END I’LL BE STUCK WITH YOU PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE FOREVER.

I hope one year from now, I’ll look back on this and laugh. Right now, I’m trying to remember the last time I bathed my kids and if it’s harmful to eat McDonald’s four days in a row.