Parenthood Gets Better Once You’re “Out of the Trenches”
It’s OK to celebrate getting past those baby and toddler milestones!
Strangers sometimes ask, “Is she your only one?”
Why, yes. Yes, she is. And isn’t she great?! I want to say.
People sometimes also ask,“Are you planning on having another?” And then they explain all the reasons why we should have a second child.
My husband gets annoyed and always says to me later in private,“Are they going to change the baby’s diaper? Raise the baby for eighteen years? Pay for the college education? OK then — people need to quit asking!”
I don’t usually approach these types of conversations this way, in my mind. Smile, shake head, look away.
I don’t get why people don’t know by now: it’s insensitive to ask anyone what their family growth plans are, unless they offer this information.
Some of my closest friends have gone through tough situations related to fertility and child birth. “Bearing children” is a delicate topic, and you don’t know everyone’s story, so no one should treat “having a kid” or “having another” as easy — or “the thing to do”, like picking up the latest handbag in fashion to add to a collection.
My husband and I feel blessed to have our daughter, who is now five. She’s so cute, loving, smart, and funny. She’s our pride and joy, and we make sure she knows this every day.
Did we always only want one kid? No. We used to talk about having two. My husband has a brother, and I have several siblings, so we’d always figured something like two kids would be perfect.
However, once I birthed our daughter and we experienced the day-in, day-out sacrifices of parenthood, we had to have several serious conversations about whether or not we wanted to raise another kid. We were “out of the trenches”, so to speak! She was already in daycare, done with the addictive pacifier, potty-trained, and sleep-trained in her own bed . . . did we really want to start all over again with a new baby’s needs? Also, didn't we already feel “complete”, with our one beautiful, healthy kid?
Yes. Yes, we do feel complete. Trust that we have had MANY conversations to ensure this is how we truly feel.
Below are several reasons we rejoice in being a family of three and finally being “out of the trenches.”
No more “baby”-related expenses, like lots of diapers, formula, baby toys, and strollers.
How many times did we go to Costco to fill up on diaper boxes and containers of baby formula? A lot. Now, that expense is gone. I also just recently donated her battery-operated toy horse, a play tent that took up quite a bit of space in our living room, and a Graco stroller. Our kid is now old enough to climb up the stairs and ride the escalators with us, and she can handle longer walks at parks and beach boardwalks.
No more changing dirty diapers.
Once in awhile, our kid needs help with wiping her bottom, but for the most part, she’s pretty independent in the bathroom. We do not miss slugging a diaper bag everywhere we’d go, nor do we miss changing her diaper six to ten times a day.
It’s quicker now to get ready and go places.
No one had ever told me that when you have a newborn baby, so much time is spent getting the baby ready. You have to pump milk or breast feed, change the diaper, make sure you have everything in the diaper bag, gently strap the baby into the car seat, and get yourself ready (and then she would poop, of course). It used to take me a good hour and a half to get ready and out the door to meet a friend for lunch with baby in tow! Now, we all can get ready and out the door in about fifteen minutes. What a difference!
No. More. Kid songs. On repeat.
She just got out of the “Twinkle, twinkle little star” and “Baby Shark” phase. Yes, we know every song Jojo Siwa sings. Now, we’ve graduated to blasting the Zombies 2 soundtrack and Kidz Bop Songs, like the g-rated version of Jason Derulo’s “Savage Love”— and we’re not about to go back.
In general, no extra long-term financial stresses.
With my teaching career and my husband’s real estate investments, we’re fortunate that we are completely stable financially and can live comfortably as a family of three.
However, if we add more children to the equation, then there are a lot of other expenses to consider, like daycare or a nanny. Our kid is going to be in Kindergarten soon, and we look forward to the day we don’t have her monthly daycare expense anymore. It’s not cheap.
But even one kid means a lot of spending. For example, she wants to take swimming lessons, hip-hop dance classes, and more in these coming years. So once she is out of daycare, we are fully prepared to splurge money on her passions so that she can grow in her potential and self-confidence.
Soccer practice on Saturday mornings? Bring it on, Coach Courtney.
We can keep our modest single-family home.
Right now, everyone has their own room to hang out in, if we want the solo time. No need to think about an upgrade! If we were to have a second kid, our current house would feel a lot more cramped, and there would be a lot more noise, too. Why not be content with the personal space each of us has? The three of us are pretty satisfied with the living situation and lifestyle.
We just got our girl her own twin-size bed, and she loves it. Sharing is not always caring.
Sleep. Heavenly sleep.
Sleepless nights are expected when you have a newborn baby, but also, I used to wake up with achy feet and a pounding headache. I just felt tired all the time. And she co-slept with me (clingy little thing!) for the first 4.5 years of her life. Imagine having someone constantly kicking your ribs or whimpering through a nightmare.
Four years of interrupted sleep that we’re finally past? Hallelujah!
Side note: she still crawls into my bed to cuddle in the mornings, which I love. I don’t care how big she gets — I hope she always wants to hug her mommy like this. The feel of her curls and sleepy face on my arm is heaven.
Parent to child ratio: 1 to 1.
I mentioned I’m a teacher, which means I’ve always got online content to create, grading to do, and video conference calls to host or attend.
So my husband watches our kid, and he does fine with the one-on-one time with her. They have a great bond, and he loves taking her to the park or playing soccer with her in our yard — all so I can focus on my work or at-home tasks. He’s admitted to me before that it would stress him out to have two kids to watch alone while I’m working . . . and honestly, I would feel the same if it were the other way around.
Since the pandemic hit, we’ve been passing our one kid back-and-forth like a hot potato — just to get our workouts in, chores completed, and more. It was a little chaotic, but I think if we’d had more potatoes this year, one or both of us would have felt the burn.
Final Thoughts
Though we still love being around our friends and their infants and toddlers, we’re happy to be “out of the trenches.” If we ever get hit with nostalgia like a splatter of spaghetti on a shirt, we can always swipe through photos and replay video clips to our hearts’ content. There are many adventures that await our family, and the dreams I’ve put on hold can finally emerge from the shadows (a writing retreat sounds absolutely delicious and is so close to happening!).
We are finally enjoying parenthood the way we hoped. Yes — we can handle Taylor Swift songs on repeat, but thank goodness the Blippi days are over.
