Satire

Pandemic Sex Party Spikes Zombie Apocalypse With Virus Mutation

Good old American summer fun led to tragedy

Maybe a sex party during the middle of a pandemic was a bad idea?

Connor Cox always had a 4th of July sex party on the beach of Lake Kash. It was a tradition started in 2016. No pandemic was going to stop him from having his annual sex party. No sir! Freedom. That is what Independence Day is all about. “Fireworks and fuckin’.” That was Cox’s motto for the private party at his Lake Kash private resort.

People love Cox’s sex bash. Six people had written positive reviews on Yelp.

“I had a ball at Connor’s party in 2018! Best time ever. Fun people and great times. I highly recommend,” wrote Jolie Petersen in her review.

A contributor to Google reviews, Phillip Mckee, gave Cox’s party five stars, adding: “I went with my guys and all of us got lucky. Best weekend of my life!”

Penelope Nash guided her pontoon boat to Cox Cay Resort and tied up to a row of other pontoon boaters who had gathered for the annual sex party on the lake. The water and boats were filled with half dressed men and women yelling and having fun. Music blared from speakers on a floating stage complete with a DJ and strippers.

The cost for admission was pretty cheap. $50 per person to get a wristband allowing entrance to the private resort’s water. You bring your own beer, food and boat.

Penelope jumped into the lake and swam over to a group of people dancing in the waist high water. Soon she was gyrating in the lake with 50 other people. It was great fun for all. Lots of beautiful bodies glistening in the sun. Sculpted abs and toned glutes everywhere.

Penelope met a cute guy named Finnegin Zachariah. “Call me Finn,” he smiled to Penelope as he kissed her hand. Penelope like that gesture. It was old fashioned, but very hot. Swoon!

The weekend roared on. People gathered, mixed, mingled, had passionate sex anywhere and everywhere. “It was the best,” Penelope wrote on her Yelp review reflecting back on the weekend as she sipped her coffee on her pontoon. “Five stars all around!”

Penelope packed up her stuff and guided her pontoon back to her lake house on the other side of the lake. She waved at the partiers as she sailed away. She had Finn’s number in her phone and would be texting him later to see if he wanted to dock at her pier some evening.

She settled on her Adirondack chair on the dock with a cup of coffee to watch the sun set. She felt hungover.

She fell asleep on her wooden deck chair.

A scream startled Penelope. Her neighbor was yelling for help a couple of doors down. Penelope ran to see if she could help. As she approached her screaming neighbor, she saw the undead massing on the lakeshore. They had walked up the beach and were trying to grab Penelope’s neighbor.

Penelope grabbed her shocked neighbor and pulled her into the direction of her house. She wanted to get to her car. The best defense is to retreat when a mad army of zombies are attacking.

Pressing her car key fob, Penelope yelled at her neighbor to jump in the car. Penelope put the car into gear and floored it. She was roaring out of her driveway when she saw Finn approaching. He was a zombie!

Penelope hit the road and drove at a high speed until she made it into town. She went to the local constable’s office, but it looked like it had been overrun by zombies. The front glass door was smashed and all of the cars parked in front had their windows and windshields broken. She kept driving.

After driving for an hour, Penelope came across a National Guard unit at a checkpoint. The took her and her neighbor’s temperature to make sure they hadn’t been infected. A sergeant told them where to go for shelter and said not to stop until she got there. It was set up at the county high school. They would be safe there.

A television was playing in the shelter a few days later.

“The CDC has determined that RNA from two different viruses combined with the RNA from an infected bat with another disease at the Cox Sex Party at Lake Kash causing an outbreak of novel viral Zombosis-20.”

“Damn,” Penelope said to herself watching footage of zombies wandering around Lake Kash searching for brains and whatever else they look for when they wander around undead.

Historians looking back at the Zombosis crisis of 2020 would note that a lack of leadership in the federal level allowed the zombies to spread. In fact, bus loads of zombies were sent around various states to spread the disease to people attending political and anti-science rallies.

In the end, the President declared himself “Supreme Presidential Military Commander Dictator.” The Army took the unprecedented action of convening a court martial and removed him from power after other branches of government failed to take action. The President’s cabinet refused to declare a 25th Amendment incompetency saying having a Presidential Zombie was “freedom personified.” Sen. Mitch McConnell said he’d never vote to impeach his best friend and spiritual guru while he remained the Senate leader. “A man has the right to control the destiny of his body and to do with it what he deems necessary and proper,” McConnell said justifying the President’s incapacity due to willful infection.

McConnell made sure to add, “Just because men are allowed to control their bodies doesn’t mean the women-folk should get any ideas because we have packed the courts with our guys!”

While his medical records were never released because of HIPAA, some speculate in the end, the President became a zombie after spending several hours without protection with them during a summer political rally.

Chris Hedges likes to write short fiction stories as well as other fun pieces.