Oxycontin Addict Searches for a Way Out
Addiction is unknown to many people, despite its prevalence. Addiction is a disease, a severe and chronic disease. Many people may disagree with this claim, but to be an addict is not a lifestyle someone chooses. There are many forms of addiction. I am talking about substance abuse. Medications, alcohol, drugs. From the perspective of an addict who has undergone addiction treatment processes, today I understand addiction differently than before. I do not apologize for my own actions and the life I had lived before the addiction treatment. I try to take responsibility for everything I did in my addiction.
Addiction is not only a habit
Far from the truth is the myth that addiction is a bad and harmful habit. We humans can be “slave” of habits. But habit is still a habit. Because of habit, we don’t “get caught” in endless and compulsive repetition of some hellish cycle. Which we can’t interrupt or abandon. Addiction is not a choice, addiction is a disease. For a long time, I believed I could give up taking drugs whenever I wanted to. What a delusion.
Endless search for reasons to continue addiction
For myself, I could say at first glance that I was an “involuntary” addict, but only at first glance. I started taking the medicine because I got them on prescription. Because of the disease triggered by chemotherapy on cancer treatment. Major characteristic of this disease (called polyneuropathy) is a severe physical pain. I tried a series of medications and finally landed on Oxycontin. It is a powerful painkiller.
Recently there have been many articles about this drug. A cruel truth about Oxycontin comes to light. It causes quick and severe addiction — which is why they also call it “drug from hell”. The drug is not suitable for long-term consumption. Despite this, I was taking it for over 10 years. I abused the drug severely most of the time. Along with Oxycontin, I took a bunch of other medications, antidepressants, sedatives, stabilizers, …
Running out of hope
My addiction eventually became a hopeless situation. I could no longer imagine life without Oxycontin. I could not imagine life with Oxycontin either. Trapped, with no hope of a change. Of course, I wanted many things, but everything was impossible, at least as long as I lived in my addiction. I read many articles on addiction, but they all started in the sense of, “First you need to abandon the substance”.
Sure, I knew that myself. No new “wisdom”, but as I wrote, imagining life without Oxycontin was impossible. I often read how horrible a drug Oxycontin is. How Oxycontin users end up seeing a way out only in death. These facts were not a reason for me to stop taking it. No, that was an excuse for why I can’t stop taking the drug, why I “must” be an addict. Quite the wrong approach, but I only know that now.
Only a wish for a change is not enough
I finally went for addiction treatment. Full of expectations and everything was “crystal clear to me”. I was expecting instructions on how to give up medication and how to start a new life. I didn’t get these instructions. Despite waiting a long time for them. Often, I even demand the therapists for these instructions. From the day one, I heard daily that I must make some changes in my life. I’m going to give up drugs, isn’t that a big enough change.
This is a misperception of the true purpose of the addiction treatment. Today, I know that stop taking OxyContin (or any drug) should result from other changes. Not that primary change. If I only gave up the drug, then that would be all I would do. I would not be taking drugs anymore, but I still wouldn’t live because everything else would stay the same. Addiction is not only physical but also in the mind.
Prepare to meet yourself
The primary change was to stop escaping from myself. Face yourself, even if I don’t like what you see. But it’s hard to “meet” yourself. No more suppressing all bad feelings, no more hiding, acting. All this allowed me to abuse OxyContin. Intoxicating substances, medicines, alcohol, drugs are a very effective way of anesthetizing all kinds of pain. Especially emotional pain. But how can I accept myself as I am, with all the pros and cons? After all the years of living in an “imaginary” world of drugs, it’s hard.
Is addiction treatment ever finished?
The average treatment time at the clinic is about two months. I stayed there for almost eight months. I finished the treatment unfair way. Unannounced and suddenly in the middle of a group where patients and therapists were present, I stood up and walked away. Unfair to everyone taking part in my recovery. They put a lot of effort into me and my recovery. But from the very beginning of treatment, it only got worse with me.
After almost eight months, I couldn’t take it anymore. There was neither hope nor power in me to continue. Well, there was something else in me — a strong desire to die. I regretted that I even went for recovery. It was much worse with me at that point than before I started recovery. I thought I was in “hell” when I was in the middle of recovery. But now I realize that after leaving the clinic I was in the hell’s lobby. The real “hell” for me started after I left the clinic.
Not getting any better. Only worse.
In the months after leaving the clinic, my condition worsened day by day. There was no life before treatment, but then I was actually dead. I gave up everything. Didn’t do anything anymore, I only nurtured my depression and extreme black mood. Not accepting any of the support that some people offered me.
I also pushed my relatives away. It was all over for me. The day I finished, I called the clinic and told the therapist that I would never return to the clinic again. Convinced I wouldn’t go back. I also gave up all the support because I didn’t want to live anymore. That was the end of my journey. Many people have tried to give me advice on what I needed to do.
In my severe depression, I was lying on the couch, and I didn’t move. I knew myself that it wasn’t exactly smart and that it would benefit me if I went out of a house. I know they tried to help me with advice. But it is very difficult for an outside person to understand what is happening to such a person. Because of that, such advice can be more harmful than good. Abuse of the word depression also contributes to this.
Let’s say someone comes to work and says: “I am depressed today”. Later in the afternoon, person gets together with friends. “Depression” miraculously disappears. This is not depression; this is a grim mood. When I was in a state of depression, the ceiling could have collapsed on my head, but I wouldn’t get up from the couch. My body didn’t obey me.
Depression is a disease, not a mood condition. At least that’s how I look at it today. And only taking antidepressants won’t get me very far. I had to feel a need for a change in me. No advice triggered that feeling for me. But antidepressants gave me a little space and energy for starting with changes.
Small steps on a long road
After a few months in such a state, I took one small step and went from the house for a short walk. About 100 meters long. Nothing for many people, but for me, it was an amazing feat. Why I did this first step, I don’t even know. But that’s how it started. Continuing some of these small steps every day. At first around my house, and later more and more. At first, I had to “force” myself every day to go for a walk.
Every day I was looking for reasons I couldn’t go. And I had to maintain a strict daily routine. If I broke that routine for a day or two, I would find myself at the beginning again. I had a very hard time forcing myself to go out again. I always found a thousand reasons against it, but I was struggling to find a single one to go out. It was hard to keep such a routine because I didn’t feel any effect of doing it. In reality, the effect can’t be immediate.
But I still insisted, maybe even out of some stubbornness. And something started happening inside me. There were changes. I still resisted these changes, but I observed the world with fresh eyes. I can say that resisting these changes, in which life has “forced” me for so long, was more painful than actual change.
No energy, but I still resist change
My resistance was strong. Because once I accept the change, there is no more control. It happens in different areas, and it is not possible to stop it. I can’t say to myself, “I will change to a limit, and then I will stop”. No, it’s a chain reaction and everything gets out of hand and goes its own way. To me, “convinced” most of my life to have everything under control, this did not suit me.
I didn’t even know that tendency to control everything had brought me into such severe addiction. I wanted to have control over life. Sublime, I am aware of that today. But I managed to let go of some beliefs. I also said to myself: “I’ve persisted for so long to be an addict that didn’t bring me anything but took away a lot. So why not try to stick to that alternative way?”
Beginning of the actual recovery
Only now has that real recovery from addiction begun. Slowly, I no longer had to force myself to go out for a walk, into the city, among the people. Now, this has become my desire, which is much easier than persuasion. I have seen that despite the physical pain that has been an excuse for my inaction for so long, I can do many things. And I realized that it’s basically all up to me how I’m going to live my life.
The healing process didn’t really bring me to the “paradise,” it just took me out of the “hell”. Everything else I have to do by myself. The walk was no longer just a walk, it was a return to life, to the actual world. I felt proud to do something because I wanted to. It’s true that abstinence isn’t for the people who need it. It is for the people who want it.
I had to face many things. Everything I did in the past. Face all the fears that led me to addiction, I had to give up many of my beliefs, which for me had been the holy truth. Now, well after the formal treatment, I understood what the therapists and doctors at the clinic were telling me.
An imaginary world of addict
I don’t want to say how clear everything is to me now, not at all. But I realized it didn’t even have to be. I also realized how, as an addict, I lived in a “delusion” while believing that was the only truth. Only now I know there is more than one perspective. Therapists, doctors and psychiatrists helped me realize that my truth was not the only one. They also showed me how much I resisted seeing that other truth.
For a few years before going for treatment, I didn’t leave home anymore. I convinced myself the physical pain was too severe. There was real physical pain. It is the verifiable fact of the disease I have. But these physical pains do not have to be the focus of my life as they have been in the past. When I saw 60 steps on arrival at the clinic which I should walk several times a day, I thought it was impossible.
Today I walk 300 kilometers (about 187 miles) per month without all the medications. Physical pain because of illness is still there. The illness is progressing, and the pain is getting stronger. But this physical pain is no longer that “imaginary reason” for me why I can’t do something. I didn’t get used to the pain. I don’t believe pain is something I can get used to. But I’ve learned to live with it, and it doesn’t bother me very much in life.
The main reason for not doing anything anymore wasn’t in this physical pain at all. It was in my mind, in my soul. I understand now that some kind of pain, whatever it is, is inevitable in life, but eternal suffering is optional. I also believe that the soul knows how to heal itself very well. Until we involve our mind. Suddenly, we master everything and thus overpower that “inner voice” that often tells us what to do.
New old world
Today I see the same world in which I indulged in addiction differently. And I’m no longer trying to understand all the “truths” of life. In the past, this was my obsession. Everything had to be clear to me. There is no longer a constant analysis of all events and situations. Every event that happens does not demand my reaction. I accept what I can, leave the rest and move on my way. Why I meet someone in my path is no longer so important.
There is no longer a belief in me I should learn from everything and everyone. That everything has its meaning and reason for me. It may have it, but if I don’t see it, I’m not looking for it. Because I’ll find what I want and not the actual truth. Peace has slowly settled in me. Respect for other people, too. There is no longer a need for judgment of everyone who is doing something I don’t like.
Everyone has their own “truth” that I don’t even know about. How am I supposed to judge someone I know nothing about? Even if I knew, it’s only my perspective. Which doesn’t mean it’s the truth. We can’t all like each other. When an environment doesn’t suit me, I remove myself from that environment if I have the option. If I can’t, there is enough peace in me that such situations do not derail me or have a profound affect to my happiness.
This approach gives me enough energy and strength to deal with the problems that sometimes arise in my life. Modesty and humility are no longer a sign of helplessness or inability for me. Respecting life allows me much more than the constant urge to control and understand everything has given me. Sometimes it’s “wise” to be just an observer.
And new world
I discovered this “new world” within myself. My long-term satisfaction is no longer so dependent on the outside world. I am no longer looking for all confirmations in this outside world. World that I can’t even change by my own standards. I have this “inner” world of mine that offers me endless opportunities to be happy.
And no more wearing a “mask”. Pretending I am someone I’m not. There are very few expectations left. Because if I expect something for each of my actions, I can rob myself for pleasure. Be kind so that others will be kind to me. Love someone, so they will love me too. Expectations or even demands. Life just isn’t a task I do, and a result follows it.
To gain knowledge is not everything
It’s one thing to “know how”, and quite another to put it into life. It takes a lot of dedication, and without immediate results. And courage. But not courage in the classical sense. Today, I also look at courage differently. For me, the real courage is not that you always have the strength to continue.
As a quote I once read says:
Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.- Teddy Roosevelt
Alone again
Again, I had to “push away” almost all people. This time for different reasons than in the period of addiction. I had to focus only on myself to leave behind my addiction. If these people will still be by my side in my new life path, I will be glad. But if they go their own way, that’s a fact and I can’t blame them. Because living with an addict is very exhausting. The cruel fact is that the addict does not have a healthy relationship. The addict in his or her addiction only takes “hostages”.
Why it is so important to believe in yourself
With a fresh start on this fresh path, almost no one believed to me that this time is different. That this time I mean it for real. In the beginning, these changes were rational, and I often explained to people that I am different now. But over time, the need for this explanation has faded. At that moment I felt these changes are becoming a part of me. Not only in my mind. Many people noticed physical changes. My body strengthened, I lost almost 60 kilograms. But now is not the time to burden myself with the opinion of others. Do they believe me or not? I must believe in myself, even if no one else believes in me. Which is very difficult, since people are so receptive to the opinions of others about us. And we want to shape the image they create of us. We allow the opinions of others to dictate our satisfaction. But self-esteem is solely my thing, although it’s hard to accept. As the phrase says, self-image. Only I can build it and only I can tear it down. But it’s much easier to blame someone else for my feeling. We have so many conditions.
Conditions to be happy
We have so many conditions. When that happens, it will be fine. When I have this and that, I will be happy. I must achieve that, and everything will be alright.
I realized that this conditioning is never ending. That way, I’m never satisfied. Don’t wait for everything to be perfect before you decide to enjoy life. Sometimes we need help, but it is one thing to ask for that help, and it is another thing to take for granted or even demand it.
Everything is the other way around
The realization of how wrong I perceived a life was cruel. Even when entering the recovery from addiction, I looked at many things the other way around.
Some typical examples.
I will go out and start walking when depression disappears. I will take off my mask when I meet people who are friendly, and I feel good among them. I will stop taking drugs when the pain that triggered taking this drug disappears. I will start living when I get out of addiction.
In fact, for me everything was the other way around.
When I went out for a walk, depression subsided. I met kind people when I took off my mask. I could accept the pain when I stopped taking drugs. I got out of the addiction when I started living.
How wrongly I thought I should always be ready to defend myself. As if the intention of most people is to hurt me. Is life given to me to suffer for 40 years and then it kills me? For me, all this is pretty far from the truth.
Longterm abstinence
The healing process and all the insights that followed were difficult. It’s hard to survive all this, but I believe it’s worth it. There are many reasons someone gets addicted. So, there are also many paths out of addiction. Unfortunately, there are no universal guidelines. Everyone is looking for their own way to abstain in the long run.
Today, I look at abstinence from a different perspective.
The definition of the word abstinence is:
“Abstinence is resisting indulgence. People who practice abstinence deny themselves something they really want. In fact, the word comes from the Latin term to refrain.”
So, abstinence is to give up something what I crave. Today I experience it differently. In fact, I gave up everything when I started using and abusing drugs. In the end, I gave up my whole life. By abstaining, however, I can live again. I can feel happiness and satisfaction.
The abstinence is basically the end of giving up. Am I only turning words around? Maybe, but maybe it’s easier for someone to believe that in reality starting abstinence is the end of giving up. But my transition from the “I must not take drugs” phase to the “I don’t need drugs” phase was difficult and slow.
Live today, not in the past
If anyone judges me based on my past life, so be it. Everyone has the right to personal perspective,and I will not change them at all costs. I don’t deny what I did as an addict. That past a kind of defines me. But it doesn’t have to limit me. If anyone wants, let them judge me by this past, and I no longer live there. My changes are not for others, but for myself. I live today. I don’t live yesterday, nor tomorrow. What will happen tomorrow, I don’t know, so I can’t even prepare for it.
This is a great quote from Albert Einstein:
“Life is a preparation for the future; and the best preparation for the future is to live as if there were none.”
My conviction in the past was that today I had to prepare for all the problems of tomorrow. In case there were no such problems I was preparing for, I created them myself. Strange logic, but that’s how my life was in the past. I was dealing with a lot of problems that basically didn’t exist at all. I created them. I complicated my life so much that I found solace only in intoxicants.
Long-term, stressful and unpredictable addiction treatment
Addiction treatment is a difficult and time-consuming experience. It was very hard for me to let go of the urge to control the life. The control I never had. If I had it, would I fall into a severe addiction?
Because this is a long-term experience, it is difficult to describe it in one article. That’s why I’m writing a book about my recovery experience. But not as instructions on how to break free from the embrace of addiction. Although many people would probably want such instructions. I know for myself that I was looking for them.
As I wrote, I don’t think there are any universal guidelines for life. Despite a flood of workshops, seminars and books that promise to “teach” us how to live a happy life. I can get guidance, that’s true, but a few words won’t “change” my life. It takes a lot of work. Can anyone teach me how to love myself?
I believe the actual goal of recovering from addiction is not in convincing myself that I need to stay sober. The goal is to love myself so much that I don’t need the substance.
My life is the only thing that is truly mine. I only borrow everything else, or it doesn’t belong to me at all.
I found it very difficult to break free from the embrace of addiction. I wouldn’t have been able to do it myself. The staff at the addiction recovery clinic helped a lot. And of course, the support of relatives, for which I am very grateful. Although I once thought it is impossible to live again, I got to where I am today. Somehow being able to “turn off my mind” and admit to myself that I don’t know and master everything helped me a lot.
As the saying I read somewhere says:
“When everybody knows that something is impossible to do, someone who doesn’t know that shows up and does it.”
Changes, changes … to break out of addiction
There must be a lot of changes to break the addiction. In many areas of life. I found it very difficult to accept these changes. But despite many attempts, there was no other way.
It’s true, as Lao Tzu quote says:
If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.
