Overcoming Burnout Is Impossible Until You Learn To Complete Stress Cycles
What to do when you can’t escape life.
The pain was overwhelming.
My legs hurt when I sat or walked or slept. It was a mix of numbness and needling with a pinch of joint ache. Desperate, I went to the doctor, but my health markers seemed alright. After a quick ecogram and an X-ray, he confirmed my muscles, bones, and veins were fine.
“Are you facing a lot of stress?” The doctor finally asked.
“The usual amount,” I said, dark circles under my eyes. Dark circles I didn’t remember not having since sleep deprivation had become a rule in my life and not an exception.
The doctor then told me he suspected my pain was a consequence of chronic stress.
“But I’ve never felt like this before!” I argued. I hadn’t changed anything in my lifestyle. I was working the same hours, eating the same food, sleeping the same hours.
“Pressure always builds up before something explodes,” the doctor replied, and, along with other suggestions, he recommended I read Amelia and Emily Nagoski’s New York Times Bestselling book, Burnout: The Secret of Unlocking the Stress Cycle.
It blew my mind. After reading the Nagoski sisters’ book, I learned a powerful truth: Overcoming burnout is impossible until we learn how to complete stress cycles.
Stress Vs. Stressors
In life, there are stressors and stress. The first category includes all the things that disrupt our inner peace — a job we hate, working at home with kids, an annoying family member, financial problems, etc.— while the second is our physiological reaction as we prepare to fight, flight, or freeze.
Back in prehistoric times, stress was one of the most useful tools in our arsenal. Whenever we spotted a tiger (a stressor), stress prepared our bodies to either attack (fight), run (flight), or play dead (freeze). Once we overcame the threat, stress hormones flushed out of our bodies, and that was that.
Nowadays, though, our bodies still perceive any threat as though it were a tiger, but since these stressors aren’t life-threatening, we tend to bottle up our stress and trudge forward.
But this is dangerous.
Little by little, the stress hormones build up in our system until we collapse. Burnout creeps into our lives slowly and then all at once.
So, should we avoid stressors at all costs?
In an ideal world, the answer would be yes. But let’s face it: Most of us can’t quit life. We have bills to pay, mouths to feed, and family members or friends who make our insides contort with frustration.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to minimize stressors. That, of course, will already go a long way into helping you avoid and break out of burnout.
But it’s not enough.
According to the Nagoski sisters, once you deal with the stressor, stress is still raging inside your body. Even if you confront a friend who’s been messing with you, your heart will continue rampaging. Why? Because you haven’t completed the stress cycle.
How To Complete a Stress Cycle
The stress cycle is the physiological process your body goes through when faced with a stressor.
Coming back to the example of the tiger, once prehistoric humans spotted the menace (stressor), their bodies primed up to run away (stress), and when they escaped and returned to their villages (dealing with the stressor), they jumped up and down and told everyone what’d just happened (victory).
In other words, every time we come across a stressor — chronic or not — or bodies need to either fight, flight, or freeze, and then have some sort of victory, a sort of energy release that signals to the body that it’s safe to wind down. Otherwise, stress doesn’t leave our bodies. Our brains don’t know we’ve won, so our heart rates continue pumping cortisol and adrenaline that, like everything, in excess becomes damaging.
This is why when people tell us to “relax”, it can be infuriating. How the hell are we supposed to relax? (Especially when relaxing now feels like another dreaded part of our infinite to-do list.)
Well, the Nagoski sisters know how. In their book, they explain many ways you can let your brain know it’s safe to relax, an extremely useful skill in a world where most of our stressors are impossible to escape.
Here are 6 ways you can complete your stress cycles:
- Exercise. This is the most efficient way to let your body know you’ve dealt with the stressor and that it’s time to wind down. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be a 30 minute HIIT workout. What the Nagoski sisters propose is that after an argument with someone or any other stress-inducing situation, do some jumping jacks, tense all of your muscles to a count of ten, or simply take a walk around the block. This would be the equivalent of the prehistoric person jumping up and down after escaping the tiger.
- Deep breathing. Switching from the stress-like shallow breaths to long, deep ones tells your brain you’re safe. To start, simply inhale to a count of five, hold for another five, exhale to a count of ten, and repeat three times more.
- Positive social interaction. Casual but friendly chatter is a great external sign that the world is safe. Once the prehistoric person reached his village, other people came by to see what had happened. Likewise, even having quick conversations on the subway can let our brain know it’s time to flush out the stress hormones.
- Laughter. Have you ever engaged in a running competition with a friend? Usually, once it’s over, both of you are either catching your breath or laughing. A deep belly laugh is also another sign of victory. So, if you find you need to alleviate stress, watch a sitcom or talk with someone who always makes you laugh.
- Affection. Deep connection with someone who loves you also tells your brain you’re safe. The prehistoric person probably ran to their partner's arms as soon as they returned to their village. According to relationship expert John M. Gottman, one way to do this is with the “six-second kiss” or the “twenty-second hug.” These two give you enough time to stop and remember that you are with someone you love.
- Crying. This is another great way to get stress out of your system. Through your tears, the stress hormones will leave your body.
There are many other ways to complete a stress cycle, like sleep, meditation, among others. Some will work for you, others not. However, the one thing that will for sure not help you feel better is telling yourself everything is okay when it isn’t. Instead, focus on showing your brain you’re safe.
42%, the Magical Number
One question I had in my head while reading the Nagoski sisters’ book was: But how many stress-cycle-completing activities should I do in my day-to-day to prevent burnout?
Like others, I am sometimes oblivious to stress. My heart may be racing, but my mind doesn’t automatically think, “Oh, I have to finish this cycle.” After all, stress also affects our cognition, helping us hyper-focus on our stressor so we can deal with it no matter what.
For this, the Nagoski sisters recommend that we fill 42% of our days with stress-dissipating activities. That’s about 10 hours every day.
Now, you may be thinking this is impossible, but please remember sleep also counts as a stress-releasing activity. After all, you wouldn’t be sleeping if a tiger were after you. This means you only need to ensure your days include between 1–3 hours of rest (assuming you sleep an average of 7–9 hours per night).
Taking a walk, deep breathing exercises, hanging out with loved ones or strangers —ensure you do those activities regularly to complete as many stress cycles as possible and prevent burnout.
Stress Shouldn’t Be Our Best Friend — but It Doesn't Have To Be Our Enemy
Recent study after study has come out demonizing stress. Sure, when chronic, it leads to random pains like mine or even death. But the good news is we don’t need to move to a cabin in the middle of a forest to avoid every stressor.
Stress is natural. I would even go so far as to say it’s good (it has helped me countless times). We just need to avoid overdosing by:
- Minimizing our stressors (if possible).
- Completing the stress cycle through exercise, deep breathing, positive social interaction, laughter, affection, or crying.
- Ensuring 42% of our days are filled with relaxing activities.
We shouldn’t make stress a permanent resident of our bodies, but it doesn’t have to be our enemy either.
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