Our Shame is Stopping Us to Reach Our Goals

Shame doesn’t only exist when we have done something wrong. Four steps to discover, outrun and lift their weights on us. Let’s get philosophical (not physical!)🎵

We have done nothing wrong, yet…

I am so ashamed of my looks that any man would be good enough for me.

I am so ashamed of my upbringing that I will do it even if my boss asks me to work late but pay me nothing.

I am so ashamed of my geekiness that it makes sense that the cool girl in class bullies me.

I am so ashamed of my big boobs that no wonder the men focus on that rather than my brain.

Can you believe the above was what I used to think about myself? And you know what, I didn’t know these mindsets existed until I researched deeply about the topic of shame and discovered that I grew up telling myself this bullshit.

Dr. Lucy O’Brien (a philosophy professor at UCL) wrote a piece about shame and identified two situations that result in us being ashamed of ourselves. One was when we did something morally incorrect (such as Ghislaine Maxwell’s sex trafficking), which is a common understanding of shame. But the second one, which is a shocker, refers to the case where we’ve done nothing wrong but are exposed to a situation that forces us to feel ashamed of ourselves.

An extreme example would be when sexually harrassed victims felt ashamed of being violated, which is not fair. It should be the sex offender who feels ashamed. Still, it’s a horrible and genuine experience for some. Another philosopher calls this the ‘practical weight’ of shame.

Your practical weight of shame

Why is shame relevant to new year resolutions and generally reaching our goals? We touched on self-limiting beliefs a few weeks ago. If we look into them closer, maybe one of the dominant emotions entwined with believing that we are not good enough for something is tadah, shame.

Have you listened to Cynthia Nixon (Miranda Hobbs in Sex and the City) recite the disturbing poem “Be a Lady They Said”? It’s about how women are told so many contradicting comments that ultimately they are unsure of themselves and feel ashamed. They said we are not sexy enough, then they turn around and tell us we are too provocative.

As an anthropologist, I can tell you that society is constructed by many voices, and it’s a simple fact. Therefore, no matter how a culture seems to be concrete and unified, it’s fundamentally fragmented, contradictory and the so-called norms are mostly baseless.

You might be aware of it already, but many of us are still not alert enough to what we absorb from society, including social media, others’ passing comments, or even systematized rules. We unconsciously internalize these contradicting comments and become ashamed of who we are, how we feel, and what we do.

The practical weight of shame will push our esteem to the ground. Not only does it crush our confidence, but it also distorts our perception of reality. Now that’s a big problem. To regain confidence, we must reconstruct our reality.

Four tips for outrunning shame

I use ‘outrun’ because it’s a race between shame and rationality to reach reality. If shame gets there quicker, it will distort our view of reality. Luckily, even if shame takes over, we can still tear it down and restore our truth. Here are how you do it.

I’d start by finding a clear space to think, here’s a short, funny video showing how I do that (it’s in English):

1. State everything you’re ashamed of:

Do exactly what I did at the beginning of this article. Some people can list them out quickly, but if it’s hard, then start from your earliest memory. It might get very raw but stick with it. If it’s helpful, remember it’s not you. It’s shame that has distorts the situation.

2. Update the narrative:

Let’s use mine as an example — “I am so ashamed of my geekiness that it makes sense that the cool girl in class bullies me.” I will sit on my chair and look at this sentence saying a simple: what the heck? And rewrite one next to it: The cool girl should be ashamed of bullying me. The critical question is: who really should be ashamed of their wrong deeds?

3. Forgive the situation:

A natural emotion after no.2 would be to be angry at that other person. But that is a trap, a vicious loop. E.g. my teacher told me I was too fat to run the relay (real story). The teacher should be ashamed of fat-shaming me here, but knowing that is enough, there’s no need to go further and hate them or anything. Negative emotions will only make us suffer more, so we must deliberately decide to forgive right now.

4. Neutralise shame:

Recognize, reconstruct and forgive, then we are able to neutralize the shame. Everything about us is just a situation that so happens. E.g. ‘I am fat’ is a judgemental statement, but ‘I gained weight’ makes it a neutralized situation. From there, it becomes easier to see things factually and our goals become rational as opposed to emotional.

— —

We become neutral by outrunning our shame, or generally the emotional, judgemental brain. Once we spot the irrationality, rewrite the narrative, forgive the situation, we can move on.

From now on, gaining weight means we just need to exercise more and eat more healthily. It doesn’t include hating ourselves, extreme diets, preventing eating disorders, etc. Try to reconstruct your narrative for everything that made you shameful in the past!

By removing shame, we have removed the practical weight it puts on us. We return to a state of peace and neutrality. From there, we make rational decisions on how to meet our goals. This is a practical form of stoicism — which I want to tell you more about it without getting too theoretical in the future.

Today’s newsletter is philosophical, but building a new relationship with our shame means we are closer to emotional freedom and spiritual awakening. If none of this rings any truth to you, it could simply be a timing issue.

Keep this newsletter in your inbox, and maybe one day it will help you.

Subscribe to my newsletter here!

Midori by the Sea — High consciousness writer: Spiritually Affluent, Financially Abundant.