Middle-Pause Pump-Priming Prompt
Our Relationship Mistakes and Failures Can Be Our Greatest Teachers
What have you learned from mistakes and failures, Including break-ups?
If we give our love and it ends up broken Maybe we did not fall Maybe we were just growing ~Micheal Tomlinson in Such Good Friends
As we sat around at after-church fellowship today, the topic turned to divorces. Seemed like several of us have that in common.
We discovered several common threads.
One was how long it took all of us to end the relationship, often by moving out. Years went by from the time we realized we wanted or needed to do that and the actual doing of it.
In my case almost two years. And about the same time for my friends.
Interestingly enough, the three of them said that once they did, their grown or teenage children said, what took you so long?
It’s not the children’s fault.
One of the lessons gleaned from the discussion was to make sure the children know that whatever the issues are between their parents, it is not about them.
Some of us grew up hearing mom and dad fight in their bedroom, thinking we were fast asleep in ours. Being young and scared, some of us came away believing somehow it was our fault. It’s not our fault. But kids need reassurance. It’s our job to reassure them.
Another theme was it is easy to pin the blame for the dysfunction on our partner or spouse. Of course, right? Especially if they’re men.
If nothing else, it makes for entertaining stories.
I could talk about how it was only after we separated that my former husband made some changes in his daily hygiene practices. Changes that I would have welcomed had they come earlier.
As you might imagine, that is a ‘story’ that can evoke laughter if told in a clever way. And, I realized after telling it in a clever way and evoking the laughter, that doing so wasn’t fair or on point.
It wasn’t fair IMHO because it felt like laughing at. It was funny because it rang familiar to my friends, which was why I did it. And because I love and live to laugh.
But that was not the reason we separated, so I was off point.
Here I am writing and railing about effective communication, violating my own principles. Busted!
Not Right or Wrong, Good or Bad Necessarily
The point I wanted to and went on to make is, when there is a break-up, separation, or divorce, it doesn’t mean one person is wrong or bad and the other is right or good.
It means their time together has come to an end. This can be for a variety of reasons. In the case of me and my husband, we grew apart.
We met and hooked up while being activists in a radical social change movement. A heady one that had as many classes, study groups, and theoretical journals as marches and rallies–if not more.
At some point, our interests and priorities grew apart. This happened at the same time the leadership of our movement was having some fallouts as well.
I wanted time and space to explore my spirituality, heal emotionally, and learn to dance.
He’d gone through the seminary and was moving in the opposite direction. He took spiritual nourishment from nature, so hiking and backpacking were high on his list. I had a hard time keeping up with his 16 miles a day pace. And I was more of a glam camper than a roughing it gal.
Unlike my friends, I was the one who misbehaved.
Instead of talking about my feelings, I acted them out. You’d have thought my love language was passive-aggressiveness. I coped with my unhappiness through active addiction. I had to get into recovery before I was ready or willing to take responsibility for my actions. And ask for the space I needed and wanted.
As it happened, five months into that process, the house we rented was sold. Hubby came to me and asked, should we look for one place or two? I said two and that’s how that went down.
Funny or interesting how the Universe has a way of kicking us in the pants. I sometimes wonder how long that process would have taken if our house had not been sold. After all, we rented a spacious three-bedroom duplex in Berkeley, California for $450.00 a month!!!
My share was a third of that. I moved into a one-bedroom apartment that rented for $600. Seems like a steal now, right? That unit is probably at least four times that now.
One Final Lesson:
At some point, we may realize the relationship is not working for us, or we need to not be in it. We can save ourselves and our partners a lot of grief by speaking up sooner than we may feel comfortable doing. I’m not saying to be impulsive and quit at the first sign of conflict or differences.
But I am saying keep the lines of communication open and speak your heart. If that’s not easy or safe to do with our partner, there’s a clue right there.
Okay, enough about me and my peeps.
It’s your turn now. This week’s Middle-Pause Pump-Priming Prompt is: What have you learned from mistakes and failures, Including break-ups?
This can be relationships but does not have to be. We tend to learn way more from mistakes and failures than successes — if we’re open to the lessons. Let’s be open to those lessons. Or we may end up repeating them over and over until we are.
Feel free to comment here, or in a separate post. That can be long-form or an up to 150-word short-form story. We look forward to hearing and learning from you!
What are you ‘too old’ or ‘too scared’ to do? Let me show you how!
Marilyn Flower’s the author of Creative Blogging: Ninja Writers Guide to Character Development and Bucket Listers, Get Your Brave On. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times. Follow her Sacred Foolishness and Stay in touch!
