Our Mental Patterns Set the Tone of Our Lives
And some need to be broken
My Love and I have a toxic pattern — we each exercise opposing core values on the eve of our anniversary.
Last week was our 11th Anniversary — It seems crazy how we have such a milestone considering who we are and what we went through to get here. We are both commitment-phobes, stubborn to a fault, and cannot abide the thought of being tied down in an academic sense. In that, I feel we do not differ from most people. Whether they think this applies is entirely up to the people themselves.
Psychologists often talk about how humans are driven to act consciously and unconsciously by the core values they hold. Each human takes these on and holds them deep within, and they act as a sort of engine for propulsion forward.
People know what is important to them. Hence, when asked about their values, they can usually give reasonably accurate reports. People may act in accordance with their values even when they do not consciously think about them. — Values and Behavior: Strength and Structure of Relations Dr. Anat Bardi & Dr. Shalom H Schwartz
Most of the time, over the 11 years, we would hold them well and even helped each other express them. However, on this one day of the year, we would butt heads with the full force of opposing values.
His value was Freedom, and he would unconsciously choose situations that would express this for himself — there would be an escape. Directly in opposition would be my sense of Justice and Equality — “If you get to escape, why can’t I?”
I would read his bid for freedom as neglect, and he would read my need for reciprocity as an attack on the one thing he wanted. The cycle would go through many iterations, and each time we would go round and add the weight from the years gone by.
Slowly we both dreaded what should have been a day for celebration — a day to commemorate the wonder that is a shared life. The dread would seep in, and we would both begin avoidant maneuvers.
This year was very different. We had both suffered the loss of our close relatives. Because of the pandemic, neither of us got any closure. We both were there for each other in this awful ordeal and got to show the genuine love and support we have for each other.
So when our anniversary started creeping up, we had no energy to do anything, whether that was to actively plan an activity to do together or begin the fighting dance we were more used to. We were also much closer because of the grief we had gone through together: so we said that we would chill and do something low key — just like any other weekend. We also decided that instead of finding a babysitter to wring out time for ourselves, we would also share the day with the kids, mostly because we left it too late and had no energy for it.
What happened on the day blew my mind! I should probably say that I’m a very simple woman. We drove through KFC, went to a local park, sat on the enormous picnic blanket from Aldi. The ants came around to look for crumbs, and so we shared the crumbs with them on the side of the blanket. After the kids had run off to the playground, we spent two hours watching the antics of the ants as they carried huge (for them) crumbs to their homes underground. One thing I love to hear from my resident goofball is when he “narrates” animals' thoughts and actions like they’re humans. He did this for the ants, and it was hilarious.
We laughed, had a nap, listened to music, and just chilled in the sunshine.
There was no stress, tears, regret, feeling of being neglected (for me) or boxed in (for him). We had finally broken out of our pattern and align our values.
It took grief and exhausting to clarify this for us: What we wanted in the celebration wasn’t the fancy dinner date, flowers, and gifts marketed to people like us. What we wanted was peace to be our wacky selves.
As we begin on our 12th year, laced in loss and into the uncertainty of a post-pandemic world, oddly, I feel more secure in having someone who I love by my side. Now that the dreaded pattern has been broken once, we have space to build a new pattern from now on.
It’s probably a great time for a couple of disclaimers: neither of us is exceptional or have a great love worth a novelization, or a love that any compatible people couldn’t have with some elbow grease. Also, the KFC and low-budget ant entertainment shenanigans that suit me will not suit others… so best pick your own special nonsenses.
If you’d like to read more about my partnered life:
