Our Journey Ends With Good-Bye
A Story of Letting Go and Starting Over Again
We began this journey together a year ago today. I remember how excited and in love I was. I felt as though I had finally found where I belonged. Each moment held something new for me. A new smell, taste, touch, or sight. You began to show me things I never would have imagined. You made me feel safe and loved and most of all, wanted. These are things I had been lacking throughout my life. I was in awe that my life had gone from the unstable, chaotic mess I had always known to such blissful stability. I was a princess in a fairy-tale who was learning that there really are happy endings.
You took me places I’d never been. You introduced me to your family and friends with pride and love in your eyes. I’m not sure what you saw in me that made you feel any type of feelings for me, but I knew that I loved it and I never wanted it to go away. I simply just wanted to put on the skin of this new life and never look back. I convinced myself that the girl I had left behind was gone forever. How very niave I was or was I in such denial I truly believed the lies I was telling to myself? The answer to that burning question came soon enough.
All of the insecurities and fears I believed to be gone, slowly began to bubble to the surface of my heart until I could no longer ignore them. They began to leak out, drop by drop, filling my heart and soul with fear and uncertainty. There was only one way I knew to make how I was feeling stop and that was to go back to a piece of that other girl’s world. On August 16th, 2019, I picked up meth once more after 23 months clean and sober. That was the biggest mistake I could have made, because it didn’t take long for everything around me to start falling apart. It was extraordinarily selfish of me to even think for one moment that I could “handle” that stuff. I put you through more than any one person should have to go through. It got to a point where I couldn’t see a way out and then you took a chance I never in my life believed anyone would. You sent me to one of the best places I could have ever asked to go and you stood by me the whole time.
While I was there I began to work on some things, but without the meth, all those fears and feelings took over. I was so afaid you were going to leave me, even though you reassured me every day that you weren’t going anywhere. I distinctly remember on Thanksgiving day sitting in the dining room crying and thinking how it would have been less expensive for you to pay for my funeral than to pay for the place you had sent me. When I finally came home I was determined to get it right. I was going to be everything you ever wanted in a woman and I was going to be the one you loved for the rest of your life. Of course, that isn’t how it happened.
My next relapse took me to one of the darkest places I had ever been. Right before I went back to treatment in March, there was a day that I stood in the gun closet trying to figure out which gun would work the best with the least amount of damage, because I didn’t want you to have to clean up another one of my messes. As I was standing there, contemplating taking my life, one of the people from that place called me to check and see how I was doing because the email I’d sent out to them was, “very concerning.” I had to go back and read that email because I didn’t remember writing it. I talked and cried until there was nothing left in me. Not even the energy to follow through with my plan. I was given a scholarship to go back and try again.
I left treatment 6 days early during the very beginning of the COVID-19 shut downs that were happening all across the country. I was nervous about that and I just wanted to be home with you. When I got home this time, I knew things were different. I had put you through things you’d never been through and certainly didn’t deserve, yet you were still there, but barely. The next relapse came very quickly. Then I was off and running again, destroying everything in my path, including anything that was left between us.
On April 9th, I was sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend and I was terrified to tell you. Two days after it happened I was forced to tell you because I had bruises on my inner thighs that I had no explaination for. After the day I made the report, everything changed. It was as though you simply disappeared. You weren’t nearly as affectionate or playful with me and I was walking around in a constant state of fear and panic. I knew in my heart that the end was coming. I could feel it every single time we were in the same room. The tension was incredibly palpable.
It was a Friday when things finally came to a boiling point and you said it was over. When those words came out of your mouth I felt as though my heart and soul shattered and died. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see straight, and all I could hear was that voice in my head screaming, “You are so stupid. You should have known from the beginning that he would never really love you, never really stay with you because all you are is a dope whore and men like him don’t stay with women like you.” I was lost and I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening. I just wanted time to rewind so I could do better, be better, anything, anything but this.
At first I thought you might change your mind, but reality set in when I spent that first night alone in that empty, cold duplex. I knew then, beyond the shadow of a doubt that you would never want me or love me again and that no one was to blame but myself. I don’t think I had every felt so lost, alone, and ashamed in all of my life as I did on that night. I cried so much I thought my heart would explode. Every single day without you has been hard. There have been times that I have called you to “ask you something” just to hear your voice.
Today there is a little less than 24 hours until I see you and say good-bye for the last time. I have so many emotions going through me at once it is hard to tell how I really feel. I am still in shock that I went from this wonderful, beautiful, life back to where I started. There are days it takes everything in me just to open my eyes and breath. I know that I am going to have to let go, but I just haven’t figured out how I am going to do that without my heart stopping.
What I do know is that I will forever love you because you were my one. You were the one I wanted to share this journey with, but instead, a mere year later the journey has come to an end. Again, if I could only rewind time and do things differently I would. I have cherished every moment I’ve been given with you. I will carry you in my heart until the day that I die. You showed me that real love is truly possible. You also showed me that there is a better life besides the one I came from and returned to.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life, if only for a brief moment. I have so many things I learned and I have memories I will hold close forever. Now I just need to prepare myself and know, without a doubt, that good-bye is coming, no matter what I do. I only hope I can get through it with some modicum of dignity and grace, because this is going to be, by far, the hardest good-bye I’ve ever had to say, but I will say it and try not to look back. And I will, at some point let go, because I will drown if I don’t.
Our journey together is coming to an end and my journey alone is about to begin. Good-bye my love. Good-bye.
©Jennifer Marie Gady 2020, All Rights Reserved