KNOW YOUR HISTORY OF PANDEMICS, PART 1: MESSINA, SICILY
Our Commitment to You, Valued Customer, During The Great Plague
A public proclamation from Carefree Crematorium and Funeral Home, issued in October, the year of our Lord, one thousand three hundred and forty-seven.
We promise you that every body will get its turn…
Dear Valued Customer,
The health and safety of Carefree customers and employees is our highest priority as God rains down the Black Death upon all sinners.
As we continue to actively monitor developments related to the Pestilence, we want to assure you that Carefree is taking all necessary health and safety precautions in accordance with His Holiness and city health officials for both our customers and employees.
Our network and communications services are vital to the communities we serve in not only keeping you informed but allowing the social distancing required to slow down the spread of the plague through the population.
Our work is essential to protecting public health and we have plans in place to continue to provide these services for the communities where we live and work.
We are being thoughtful about our policies and approach to managing employee interactions with customers and each other, and are adhering to guidelines and recommendations from his Holiness.
We are working with crown and local authorities to provide continuity of critical services and our senior leadership is focused on contingency planning to maintain our services at a high level and have taken the following steps:
#1. Maintaining Network Reliability
Our advanced communications network will ensure that we maintain the connectivity you rely on. Just listen for the peel of our distinctive cowbell and the cry of “bring out your dead!” from one of our mobile representatives between the hours of dusk and dawn.
#2. Customer and Employee Safety
We’re continually educating our staff on best practices, such as pissing downstream, finding an isolated spot to fertilize the plants and regularly sprinkling our carts and equipment with holy water.
#3. We Practice Social Distancing
For paying customers, we guarantee a minimum of six feet between each trench burial pit and enforce a maximum of 50 bodies per grave site.
#4. Self-service options
DIY burials and corpse burning are assolutamente illegale e proibito due to the proximity of other houses, shops, and stables. Please don’t stress the system by adding your execution to our work load.
#5. Courtesy and Queuing Etiquette
Carefree guarantees that everyone will be serviced in due time. We promise you that every body will get its turn. For now, we ask that our customers show patience and restraint and respect the following guidelines:
- No cutting in line: Only the dead may be picked up by our representatives. You may not approach the cart and load the body of someone who is still alive, regardless of how ill they are.
- Non-plague related deaths: Carefree has not been contracted to pick up bodies that have been stabbed, strangled, poisoned or decapitated, so killing them before our cart rolls up will only lead to a visit from the Polizia di Stato
- Limit one per customer: Regardless of the size of your family, we can only accommodate one pickup per hovelhold per day.
- Absolutely NO double-bagging: Even aristocrats must follow the rules. For people who are fortunate enough to have burial shrouds, our trained representatives will spot cases where families attempt to wrap two bodies inside a single sheet.
We understand that Carefree plays a vitally important role in our communities during situations like this, and we’re committed to doing our very best to support our customers, employees, and communities throughout this challenging time.
As always, thank you for being a Carefree Customer.
Your Carefree Team
