Summary

The article emphasizes the importance of treating children with equal dignity as adults by recognizing their emotions and learning from them, as advocated by family therapist Jesper Juul.

Abstract

The article discusses the significance of adults treating children with the same respect and dignity as they would other adults, particularly in the face of mistakes like spilling a glass of water. The author recounts a personal experience where their child pointed out the double standard in reacting to such accidents, highlighting the unconscious biases adults may hold against children. The concept of 'equal dignity' coined by Jesper Juul is presented as a solution to this issue, suggesting that children are keenly aware of how adults manage emotions and that inconsistent reactions can lead to feelings of inferiority and future insecurities. The article advocates for adults to step out of their parental roles occasionally to examine how they interact with children on a human-to-human level. Juul's philosophy is quoted extensively, emphasizing the mutual learning process between children and adults and the importance of staying calm and understanding in order to teach children emotional regulation. The author encourages readers to see the bigger picture, recognize children's skills, and empathize with their perspectives to foster a more supportive environment for their development.

Opinions

Children are highly perceptive of adult reactions and use these cues to form their understanding of appropriate behavior and emotional responses.
Adults often hold children to a different standard than themselves, which can be damaging to a child's self-esteem and emotional development.
Jesper Juul's concept of 'equal dignity' is crucial for creating a nurturing environment where children feel valued and learn to manage their emotions effectively.
Adults should remain calm during children's mishaps to model effective emotional regulation, as children learn by example.
It is important to consider the child's feelings and perspective, as they may already feel guilty about mistakes and do not benefit from additional reprimands.
Children's repeated behaviors or laughter after a mishap may be a way of coping with the situation or testing boundaries to understand adult reactions.
Engaging with children at eye level helps in forming a deeper connection and understanding, promoting a more respectful and dignified interaction.
The author acknowledges not being a professional in childcare or psychology but believes that personal experiences and insights from figures like Juul are valuable contributions to the discourse on child-rearing.

Our Children Need Equal Dignity

Why putting ourselves on par with our children matters

(Picture by Kawê Rodrigues via Unsplash)

I’ve been meaning to share this with you for weeks.

Is my being a little ashamed to blame for the delay? Probably.

So we’re sitting at the dinner table and my child inadvertently knocks down her glass. Of course, it’s full, and water goes everywhere. I launch into a rant while proceeding to clean up.

I mean, when do I ever get to sit down?

My daughter looks up at me and says:

“When an adult knocks down a glass, we laugh. But when it’s a child, we don’t find it funny.”

Frighteningly so, her words tell the truth.

Equal dignity, a concept by Jesper Juul

Children are very aware of what way we adults deal with emotions. Embarrassment, guilt, anger, you name it.

Day after day, children are building their own database of what’s appropriate and what’s not, what we value or not.

By showcasing different behaviours in the presence of the same situation, depending on who is concerned, ie. a child versus an adult, we are modelling the fact that children do not deserve the same treatment as us.

We’re framing their world in an adult light. We’re making them feel inferior.

In fact, we’re creating their insecurities of tomorrow.

In order not to go down that route, we need to step out of our parent/caregiver shoes more often and take an honest look at how we treat our children, human beings to human beings.

The best advocate for this that I know of is the late Jesper Juul, a revered Danish family therapist. You can see what I mean in the video (in English):

He says:

“If you spend 8 hours with children, you will learn 800 things about yourself”,

“They’re showing you boundaries you didn’t know you had, they’re showing you power you didn’t know you had”…

“Raising children is a mutual process”…

“I strongly advise to learn from your children”.

Stepping into an equal dignity mindset

So how do we keep our sense of humour when our children accidentally pour or break something?

See the big picture

All we may need is a reminder that:

children aren’t mere ‘dependents’, they’re adults in the making who need our support.
they’re more skilled than we think and deserve for us to give them the benefit of the doubt (maybe their pincer grasp slipped on an oily surface?) and just generally cut them some slack (mishaps happen to all of us).
children need us to stay calm. We’re who they learn from. In other words, if you lose it at the sight of spilled milk, are you surprised your child releases the intensity of emotions you displayed by having a tantrum/acting out (usually as a delayed reaction)? Are you surprised they haven’t yet internalised what it’s like to remain calm in the face of strong emotions (oh, and this takes years, even decades)? How can they learn this to begin with if we don’t model it?

See things from your child’s perspective

We must also focus on how a child feels. They probably feel bad for knocking over a glass in the first place, but if you top this with reprimands or annoyance, you’re making matters worse.

Your child may not seem hurt, and you may even wonder why they’re laughing, or repeating the behaviour over and over again.

These could be coping mechanisms.

It could be, too, that your child is testing your boundaries in order to assess how much you can handle before erupting. In practical terms, it means your child pushing you to your limits to ensure they remain safe (from accusations, and yelling…) throughout.

Ultimately, the best thing for it remains to align with your child by getting down on eye level. It’s as simple to do as it is effective in nurturing connections.

Disclaimer

I am not a childcare professional, nor am I working in the psychology field. All I’m offering is for you to take my experience at face value. It’s been moulded by many years of working with young children and some years of raising my own. It’s been influenced by other people’s works, who, like Jesper Juul, have no academic qualifications. This, however, doesn’t make their work any less valuable. Jesper Juul’s published works, for one, are a testament to the rectitude of his school of thought.

I believe you will form your own opinion on this topic, using my story as a lever, and do hope you enjoyed this read. I would appreciate it if you could lend it your weight by clapping and commenting.

Many thanks in advance! Speak soon.