Summary

The website content discusses the impact of childhood trauma on adult behavior and the journey towards understanding and overcoming its effects to achieve inner peace.

Abstract

The article explores the profound influence of subconscious childhood memories on current behavior, particularly how unresolved trauma can lead to patterns of negative reactions and feelings in adulthood. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing these deeply rooted issues, especially when they surface during challenging times, such as the stress of a global pandemic or relationship conflicts. The author shares personal experiences of how these past traumas have affected their marriage and mental health, leading to a realization of the need for self-awareness and change. Drawing on wisdom from figures like Sadhguru and Stephen Covey, the article suggests that true maturity comes from acknowledging past hurts without letting them define one's character or reactions. It advocates for personal responsibility in choosing how to respond to external stimuli, proposing that individuals can maintain their inner peace by managing their thoughts and emotions, and engaging in activities that foster positivity and personal growth.

Opinions

The author believes that childhood experiences significantly shape adult behavior and perceptions.
There is a sentiment that family and friends may trivialize past traumas, which can exacerbate the issue.
The article suggests that maturity involves understanding and overcoming the influence of past traumas rather than simply ignoring or forgetting them.
It is conveyed that the ability to respond to situations without being influenced by past traumas is a key aspect of personal responsibility.
The author quotes Sadhguru and Dalai Lama, indicating a belief in the value of wisdom from spiritual leaders in the process of healing.
The article implies that external circumstances do not have to dictate one's emotional state or sense of self.
It is proposed that engaging in activities one is passionate about can be a therapeutic way to manage negative emotions and maintain mental well-being.
The author emphasizes the importance of inner peace and suggests that it can be achieved through disciplined practices such as exercise, effective habits, and mindfulness.

Our behavior reeks of childhood trauma — how to be at peace?

Your subconscious mind can never forget. Without realizing it, this might be the cause of your problems.

How could I? Why didn’t I fight back then like I do now? Why didn’t I speak about it openly then like I do now? Why did I get into the situation in the first place? Why did I believe them? Why did I let them? Why didn’t I have the strength to stop it? Why did I have nervous energy at that moment when I was not wrong? Why should I forgive now?

These are the questions many of us have, some of them can’t be answered, some of them are good to be left unanswered, some of them kept far at the back of mind but not forgotten. More than a decade has passed since then yet why do I feel lost now and not before now? I have been avoiding it in my teen years, I have also passed the stage to be called a young adult but why do I remember everything now? I have grown into maturity so shouldn’t I be overcome by now? It’s like I kept a reminder on my phone to be reminded of it now.

Can you share this with anyone?

Speaking of this with family or friends just makes it worse when they say — “it is a small issue”, “it is very common”, “why are you reacting so big”, “you are being silly”, “it’s just not you, it happens to most of us”, “grow up”, “there is nothing you can do now” -damn! why can’t I? The worst of all is “you are very sensitive” — urgh! I can’t just deal with people who say this and especially when it’s their wrongdoings. Maybe some of them are really small, but duh! I was just a kid and your repeated behavior towards me just changed the way I deal with other human beings.

“Especially if unpleasant things have happened in your life, you should become wise, not wounded” — Sadhguru

Then I realized it.

I started to analyze why these unpleasant events came to my mind now. why? Was it because I am not in a happy place now? For the past few months, my husband and I started fighting over small things. It just got bigger and bigger. I being unemployed and having nowhere to go because of covid lockdown just opened gates for lots of thoughts followed by depression. My husband and I talked about our issues. That’s when I noticed my behavior and it hit me like a two-by-four. Even though it is subtle, it is still disturbing. I had never seen this behavior of mine before, or that’s what I thought.

I am just contemplating why I remember those unpleasant events now, it’s because subconsciously my brain has solved the problem of what my actions are and why. All these times I have been avoiding seeing it. There weren’t situations before now that made me absorb my minute behavior. Before my marriage, I would spend time with my parents and friends; your parents don’t tell you your mistakes because they love you too much to see it. Your friends don’t care or even if they do they don’t confront you. But living with another human (apart from parents and friends) makes you see what you are. Only after my marriage and when things started to get a little rough I became aware of it.

“To forgive does not mean to forget. To forgive means not to carry any bitterness in you, because that destroys your life” — Sadhguru

Realization is the only first step.

My thinking has changed I would say more mature since the awareness. My actions were very different from my true character because I held on to the fears. Did you know that we perceive the world around us according to the ideas we developed during our ages 2 to 7? I can’t forget nor forgive but I don’t have to change what I am because of external influences. I came across this mind-boggling truth from the book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. It has a very interesting point on the meaning of responsibility which is the most misunderstood word of the millennia. Responsibility is an ability to respond or simply put how you react. This response tells a lot about the primitive character of the person. But many of us respond quite differently and deviate from our true nature because of past influences. No matter what our outside circumstances are, the ability to respond the same way makes us better human beings.

“Don’t let the behaviors of others destroy your inner peace” — Dalai Lama

Control only what you can.

It’s fact that you cannot control how people treat you, how the outer world reacts. You cannot make people act with integrity, can’t fill them with kindness, can’t force them to see what you see. The only thing that is in control is the choice of your reaction. Unfortunately, there are always unhappy people who try to project their unhappiness on everyone, either in their unkind behavior or unkind words. This is where you need to get stronger, accept the truth that you are in complete control of how you react to these people. Disturbing your peace will only bring back the unfortunate scenarios over and over in your mind, manifesting them again and working your mind overtime with endless muddled thoughts. I would like to introduce you to this quote —

“If you really want to know your mind, the body will always give you a truthful reflection, so look at the emotion, or rather feel it in your body. If there is an apparent conflict between them, the thought will be the lie, the emotion will be the truth.”

from the book — the power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This is the ultimate truth. What we create in our minds is felt in our bodies as emotion. Our emotion is just the reflection of our thoughts. We tend to react based on emotion rather than reality. So if we control our mind, we should be able to control our emotions as well right. I am just reflecting on the ideas, not offering concrete solutions.

Final Thoughts

To control the mind requires effort and practice. What are they? It can be anything and nothing, for starters bringing discipline in life, or by adding effective habits in your routines like exercise, or just being occupied most of the day, or just think of nothing, this is the best, it will rest your brain and strengthen it. Do things you are passionate about when you feel not yourself. This worked for me. I am passionate about two things- writing articles and dancing to hip-hop music. Whenever I feel negativity creeping up inside me, I tend to start writing articles, this uses all of my brainpower, whatever percentage I am capable of or I will just turn on the music and start dancing till I get tired. This relieves my mind and before I am done I won’t even know why I felt that strong negative emotion in the first place. This is still very much in progress for me but the key is to keep trying; be aware of when the mind takes you to a negative place so you can bring it back to positivity. Sooner or later it will become inherent nature of you to think positive thoughts over negative ones and no one will be able to make you feel anything you don’t choose to. Have faith, it has to work and look for happiness within you. Having a healthy relationship with oneself is the more vital relationship one will ever have.