Our Aging Parents

It happens before most of us expect and for some, it hits us like a freight train

It happens before most of us expect and for some, it hits us like a freight train. A freight train we did not hear or see coming despite it being an obvious part of life. There are signs along the way, some subtle, some not subtle at all that we are all aging. But weirdly, it doesn’t ever feel like we age at the same rate as we see others. At least that is the case for me. I see the visual cues, the undeniable indicators of age progression, in myself and my parents, but yet it still does not feel that we are the age that we are.

For me, the first big shift was in 2009 when my maternal grandfather passed away just shy of his 94th birthday. He was the bedrock of our family, my hero, and mentor, and to lose him signaled that my mother and her siblings were now the eldest generation on that side of the family. I viewed these generations as layers of an onion, a protective and important layer that had peeled away. I still had my paternal grandparents up until 2018 and 2020, when they passed away at the age of 98. They were the last of that protective layer, shielding me and my parents from our eventual mortality.

My grandparents lived very long and healthy lives, setting the benchmark in my mind that if we were lucky, me and my parents would also live to be that old. A wonderful gift they had given us, written into our genetic code. I viewed my lifespan through those naïve glasses, with expectations that my parents would do as their parents had done, and the same for myself. But that isn’t how life works. In the last eighteen months, my father’s health has declined a lot and he is not yet 70. Last Thanksgiving, I was visiting the family and I hadn’t seen Dad for a while. He walked through the door of my aunt’s house and his appearance caught me off guard. He looked remarkably similar to how my grandfather used to look and I wasn’t mentally prepared for that. Dad had lost a lot of weight, his hair was noticeably grayer, he had a cane and an overall decline in health had visibly aged him way more than I had expected. Last month, I flew back to the East Coast to see him following a diabetic-related amputation, among his many other health ailments. I was growing concerned that he may not rebound from the latest round of surgeries. The visit home went well. Upon Dad’s discharge from his three-week stint in the hospital, his attitude improved, along with his appetite, and he was able to get to the restroom unassisted. These were huge wins for us, along with the hope that his health and resolve continue to improve.

For others, the more subtle signs of our parents aging are things like assisting them with technology, taking over their cell phone plans, ensuring their wills are up to date, helping them make larger financial decisions, and noticing memory lapses. As we age, we undergo a transition, from our parents being the parents and protectors to the children assuming that role. This week, my father-in-law informed us he had failed the DMV test six times. He is turning seventy and it’s mandatory in California to renew a license at that age. We were not expecting this news, as two months ago, we assisted them in purchasing a new SUV. Also, my mother-in-law does not drive. My first question to my partner was, who is going to chauffeur your parents around if we can’t get him to pass the test?

For many Millennials and Xennials, we waited until later in life to have children. We prioritized our education and careers through most of our twenties and thirties to be more financially secure before venturing into parenthood. This made sense, as growing up with little means undoubtedly left an imprint on us, a resolve to ensure our children would have more resources and better opportunities than we had. For members of the LGBTQ community, we also had to wait until later in life due to societal constraints, acceptance, legalization, or flat-out discrimination in the family-building realm. In turn, that drives up the cost of building a family, sometimes costing hundreds of thousands of dollars. Having access to resources to afford children takes more time, hence being older parents.

What I didn’t expect or account for was that not only will we have to raise our children, but we will also be caring for our parents, at the same time. However, I wouldn’t change a thing about the path I’ve taken or the decisions I have made because life works in weird and unexpected ways. Having children around the age of 40 brings with it a lot of life experience, patience, and a greater understanding of each other. Things we will have to rely on in the years ahead. Not long ago, I was adamantly against sharing a home with the in-laws, at least in the immediate future, but there are also a lot of benefits to it for all of us. The kids can grow up having close bonds with their grandparents and our parents can grow older with a support network that should help them live longer. This may become a reality far sooner than we expected, but we are grateful that our parents are still with us and we have the opportunity to forge the road ahead, wherever it may take us.

Life has many twists and turns, leading me to places I never thought I would go. I always had this unrealistic image in my mind of what I thought life would be like, a timeline set by society or movies with expectations that don’t align with reality. Letting go of those carries with it a lot of strength. We adapt and pivot, for we only have one life and it’s the one we have today. The same goes for our aging parents. We owe it to them to ensure their golden years are amazing and as carefree as we can make them. Along the way, we are teaching our children some pretty valuable life lessons and if we are lucky, come full circle one day.