Oscars Schmoscars

My 50+ year history of Oscar memories

Back when I was young, oh so many hundreds of years ago, the Oscars telecast was the one TV show that I never, ever missed. Ever. Screw the World Series. Fuck the Super Bowl. The Oscars was #1 in my little head.

In those early years the Oscars would go on for four, five, or six hours. My parents would let me watch it all even if it went on past my bedtime. How cool was that?

Then, as I got older and started going to the movie theaters way, way more often than most people go to church, the Oscars became even more important to me. For so many years I had seen all the movies that were nominated and I had my list of favorites. I simply had to see how many of my favorites won. The telecast was a smorgasbord of disappointment and jubilation.

I don’t admit this often but I’ve been a cinema freak for most of my life. I love the art of movies. It really turns me on.

It’s the art that I love. I prefer movies that reach inside my noggin and tweak my brain and make me think. I prefer movies that reach inside my heart and force me to feel. I don’t really care for testosterone movies full of guns and violence and killing and explosions or comic book movies with super heroes dressed in skin-tight pajama costumes fighting evil. And I don’t care for science fiction movies that perpetuate the old tired dualistic paradigm of good versus evil. I prefer movies that delve into the human condition and push the envelope of social convention.

Silly me.

During the short time during my twenties when I lived in Los Angeles I became friends with a couple who happened to be voting members of the Academy. I had always wondered who the hell it was who voted for Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director and so on. Who were these people?

Well, one year I found myself in the living room on Oscar night of two of the people who voted on the winners. They were having an ‘Oscar night.’ There were about thirty people there.

In the main entry room to their very nice house I immediately noticed that the room was filled with gift baskets. I asked the female of the couple what that was all about.

“Well, as voting members we get gift baskets from nominees to help persuade our voting. We don’t always get a gift basket from all the nominees. Those who don’t send us one obviously don’t want the Oscar as much as those who do send us one. So we rarely vote for anyone who doesn’t send us a gift basket.”

Seriously? My perception of the Oscars just got downgraded.

Before the program begin I managed to have a conversation with the couple. I asked them what they thought of a certain movie that I considered the best of the year. (I don’t remember what film it was.)

The husband replied, “Oh, we can’t stand that director. We never watch any of his movies and we certainly will never vote for any of his movies.”

Seriously? My innocence was shattered. I suddenly realized for the first time how seriously political the Oscars were. This couple who I thought were friends were just like today’s Senate Republicans: I don’t need to see the film. I don’t need to see evidence or hear witnesses. My decision has already been made and cannot be influenced.

Of course, today EVERYTHING is political. We choose sides and stick with it no matter what. There are no valid alternative viewpoints, there is no middle ground; everything comes down to one side or the other. I realized that apparently it is the same with the Oscars.

As it turned out the movie that I liked so much won best picture and best director. My couple friends were devastated. The husband was cussing and the wife actually cried. (Even though they never saw the film.)

It was truly an education for me but despite that education I continued to watch the Oscars every year and I continued going to Oscar parties.

Soon thereafter I went to an Oscar party in Texas. Upon entering the party guests were given a ballot listing all the nominees for all the awards. We had to fill them out and turn them in. After the telecast the person’s votes who came closest to the actual winners won a prize of $200 dollars. (The second and third place winners won nothing.)

Just like every freaking contest I’ve ever entered in my life, I came in second.

But it wasn’t a total loss. I introduced myself to the winner and within less than a day we became lovers and ended up living together for over a year. She was an actress.

While I mentioned my love of cinema I failed to mention my psychopathic attraction to actresses. It used to be one of my most fatal flaws. It was through this actress that I met my next actress who I ended up being married to for twenty years. I am pleased to announce that my pathology has been cured and I now avoid actresses like the plague (or the Corona virus).

But I still kept watching the Oscars. It was like a cocaine addiction or something.

But that addiction finally came to an end about a dozen years ago. That is when I fully gave up television. I haven’t watched TV since then. I’m not sure which was more difficult; giving up TV or giving up actresses. Both were more difficult than giving up smoking.

Even though I haven’t watched the Oscars in a dozen years I wasn’t fully free of the addiction. Every year I would search for a list of the winners on the internet the day after the telecast and print out the winners. That’s how truly sick I’ve been.

But last year was the first year I didn’t even do that. I just didn’t care anymore. My mental affliction was finally cured.

Of course, I still watch movies. I’m not a total idiot. But now awards don’t matter. The only thing that matters is how much those movies moved me.

So here I am writing a story about the Oscars WHILE THE OSCARS ARE GOING ON. Maybe I am a total idiot. No one is going to read this story because they are all too busy watching the Oscars!

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