Opus 100
All my jokes from the last 100 days.
100 days ago I made a commitment to publish a story every day on Medium. Last Thursday was the 99th day and I published my 100th story. Today is the 101st day and this is my 101st story. (opus 100 sounds better the opus 101).
The numbers you see at the bottom of every story are mostly just a personal motivational trick the first number is the number of days and the second is the number of stories. I occasional miss publishing a story and then make up for by publishing 2 stories a few days later.
The coffee cup and the ko-fi.com link is also a personal motivator. I pay myself $1. every time I publish a story. I have had a few bucks from readers and that is really special. The money itself does not mean much but it feels like Christmas every time somebody likes my story enough to send me $1.
I started publishing short jokes at the end of the stories sporadically at first and soon there was one with every story.
For those of you who liked my jokes here there are all the jokes that I published during the last 100 days:
Jim McAulay🍁had to disable the carbon monoxide detector in his house. The constant beeping made him feel sick,dizzy and gave him a headache 😜
Jim McAulay🍁 A preposition is a word you should never end a sentence with.
Jim McAulay🍁 As I was driving past the Colin’s Bay Prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. I stared up at him and he sneered back. I thought to myself . “Well that’s a little condescending.”😜
Jim McAulay🍁 Says “ To exercise your right to bear arms wear a tank top.” 😜
Jim McAulay🍁 Says “ The best time to buy a fire extinguisher is before you need a fire extinguisher.” 😜
Jim McAulay🍁 Says “ If we repeal the law of gravity would it make things less serious?” 😜
Jim McAulay🍁 A fun factoid: Did you know that the banana is a berry? 😜
Jim McAulay🍁 After much consideration, and heart searching, my wife and I have decided we don’t want children. All things considered they have taken it well. 😜
Jim McAulay🍁 A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Jim McAulay🍁 says: Don’t snort artificial sweetener. It is not diet coke.
Jim McAulay🍁 says: It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub,and its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Jim McAulay🍁 says: A pirate becomes furious if you take away his “P”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says: A Democrat had a Republican friend who said “You shouldn’t give kids ribbons just for participating. It rewards them for losing.” So he took down his friend’s confederate flag.
Jim McAulay🍁 says: Told my suitcase that there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
Jim McAulay🍁 New portmanteau — cravid: crappy and covid.
Jim McAulay🍁 says: Always go to other people’s funeral. Otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Jim McAulay🍁 tried to cook pancakes on a girdle.
Jim McAulay🍁 has renamed his cellphone the Titanic when he plugs it in it says — the Titanic is syncing.
Jim McAulay🍁 “I have a split personality.” said Jim, being Frank.
Jim McAulay🍁 says. If you are one of those people refusing to wear a mask because you are concerned about enough oxygen getting to your brain, don’t worry that ship has sailed.
Jim McAulay🍁 says, “There wasn’t a single bacon recall last year but there were several vegetable recalls.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says, “The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Jim McAulay🍁 says, “Every morning I do 10 sit ups — to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says, “ I called my wife from work and said that I wanted to eat out. She left a sandwich on the front doorstep.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says, “ Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly for the same reason”
Jim McAulay🍁 Is upset because this twin brother forgot his birthday.
Jim McAulay🍁 asks: “ If nothing is impossible is it impossible for something not to be possible?”
Jim McAulay🍁 says:
A woman goes to a funeral home and says that she wants her husband to be buried in a blue suit instead of the brown one he is wearing. At the funeral he is wearing a lovely blue suit. She goes to the director and asks how much she owes him for the suit.
“Funny thing happened” he said. “A few hours after you left another woman came in and wanted her husband to be buried in a brown suit and since they were both the same size we just switched the heads.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says: “If there is a remedy, then what is the use of frustration? If there is no remedy, then what is the use of frustration?” — Shantideva
Jim McAulay🍁 says: “If YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook merged would the new company be called You Twit Face.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says: “Owls life mice can foxes be boring frogs but grasshoppers let’s swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says: “The difference between a well dressed boy on a tricycle and a poorly dressed boy on a bicycle is a tire”
Jim McAulay🍁 says: Something fun to try. Sit on a bench and wait for a stranger to sit down beside you . When they do look straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Jim McAulay🍁 says: “One day I will solve all my problems with maturity. But today it will be with alcohol.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says: “Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body. That’s why I think about jogging every day.”
Jim McAulay🍁 “My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She has just turned 97. We have no idea where she is now?”
Jim McAulay🍁 “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it “ — Mae West
Jim McAulay🍁 “The secret to a clean kitchen is simple. Never cook. Ever!”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “The difference between love and marriage — Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “My brain cells, skin cells ,and hair cells continue to die but my fat cells seem to have an eternal life.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “I did not think that I would fit into my new orthopaedic shoes but I stand corrected.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden — the plot thickens.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “I think my children are spoiled. They are beginning to smell bad”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “If you get a loan at a bank, you pay for it for 30 years. If you rob a bank, you’re out in 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Saw a sign that said “falling rocks” . What am I supposed to do with that? They may as well have a sign that saying. “random road accidents ahead”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Considering all the lint that collects in the dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “The swim coach decided to try music to get the kids to swim faster. It worked. His choice of music was the theme from Jaws.”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Somebody knocked on the door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “The man who invented autocorrect has died. May he rest in peas”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “The whiteboard is remarkable”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “The difference between weed and alcohol — A group of drunk guys will start a fight. A group of stoned guys will start a band”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Don’t start a pillow fight with death unless you are prepared for the reaper cushions”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “If you don’t cut the cake into pieces and just eat the whole cake then you have only eaten one piece”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Please help me doc, I’m addicted to Twitter. ”. “I’m sorry I don’t follow you” replied the doctor.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “So far 2020 is like looking both ways before crossing the street and then getting hit by a plane.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Last night I threw a ball for my dog. It was a bit extravagant but it was his birthday and he does look good in a bow tie.”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Man in Boxers leads police in a brief chase”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says “It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a distillery to homeschool one.”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says: Sign in a meditation Hall “Don’t just do something. Sit there.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says: “Keeping tropical fish can have a calming effect due to all the indoor fins.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “The definition of inflation is: paying today’s prices with last year’s salary.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “To tell whether an ant is male of female, drop it in water. If it sinks it is girl ant. If it floats it is buoyant.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “I’ve been shopping and bought a pair of winter socks. Now I can wash the summer ones.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Potatoes make French fries, chips and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it is too dark to read.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Did you know that you can’t lick your elbow?”
Jim McAulay🍁 says “I just came up with a colour that doesn’t exist. It was a pigment of my imagination.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says I was shopping for a sofa. The salesman said “This one will seat 3 people without any problems.” So where am I going to find 3 people without problems?
Jim McAulay🍁 says “Dear Algebra, Stop asking us to find your X. He’s never coming back, and don’t ask Y.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says:
A couple soldiers who had been prisoners of war. Met again some years later.
“Have can you forgive your captors?”
“No, Never!”
“Then you are still in prison.”
Jules Feiffer says:
“I grew up to have my father’s looks, my father’s speech patterns, my father’s posture, my father’s opinions, and my mother’s contempt for my father.”
Jim McAulay🍁 says: “You have probably been peeling a banana the wrong way. The easy way to peel a banana is not from the stem but from the other end”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says: “My parents named me after my older brother and before my younger one.”.
Jim McAulay🍁 says:
A minister was giving a sermon when a couple of girls started laughing and giggling in the back.
“Some of us are not listening.”
The girls quieted down immediately.
As he was shaking hands with parishioners on the way out three couples apologised for falling asleep during the sermon and promised not to let it happen again.
Jim McAulay🍁 says: “I never met my real ladder but I have an excellent step ladder.”.
101–101