Oprah’s Interview with Expatriates Padme Amidala and Anakin Skywalker.

Yoda speechless is left

The Skywalkers agreed to meet Oprah at a mutual acquaintance’s house which is located on the back nine of the Very Privileged Yet Diverse Country Club in Muchodenaro, California.

Padme Amidala Skywalker enters onto Oprah’s friend’s patio who was gracious enough to let the fabs hold court there and conduct this momentous interview… for a fee. Padme looks like a beach ball stuck to a toothpick. But a beautiful toothpick, just the same.

OPRAH: (fawning) Oh, you are pregnant. Are you giving birth to a bantha?

Both women laugh.

PADME: Not so much. We’re having twins.

O: Twins! Do you know their genders?

P: We haven’t decided.

O: Oh, yes. Forgive me. In your galaxy you have, I believe, seventeen?

P: That we know of.

O: What about names?

P: We’re thinking Pluto and Daffy.

O: After the cartoon characters?

P: No, the dwarf planets.

O: Ah.

P: Well, those are Ani’s and my choices. The Order has made a couple of suggestions.

O: Which are?

P: The Grand Master likes Lukenobi and Leiavaderina, but I don’t know.

O: They do have a nice ring.

P: It’s all just so political. We should have a right to name our own babies, right?

O: It must be difficult to adjust to Jediety. How did you manage?

P: Well, as a Nabooian, I’ve always been around celebrities and royalty. Hell, I was a queen, for Forcesake. So, I thought, you know, it’d be no big deal to meet The Grand Master. But the Order is very regimented. I had no idea —

O: Tell us about the day you met Yoda.

P: We were flying into Coruscant after a weekend in Naboo —

O: Ohuum? [Oprah smiles, gives Padme a sideway look.] You spent a weekend with a Jedi?

[they both titter]

P: Well, he’s only a Padawan, but that electrical thing he does with his hands. Giiirl.

[Oprah covers her mouth with her hand, her eyes widen. They giggle.]

P: Anyway, we get to Coruscant and the council is having this after-hours kegger or something. Obi Wan is there, Windu, all of them. So, Ari asks me, do I want to meet Yoda. I figure, yeah, great, let’s meet the little guy. No big deal.

Then he says, “Do you know how to curtsy?” And I’m like —

O: Curtsy? Have you ever curtsied?

P: Oh, hell no. I’m a queen. Beings curtsy to ME. Besides, a curtsy would be impossible in those ridiculous outfits I had to wear. And that mime makeup, uhhft. Let me tell you, Oprah, you don’t ever want to be a queen.

O: Well, I sorta already am. I’m kind of a big deal.

P: Yeah, well, an American queen ain’t nothing like being a Nabooian queen. I wish I’d never gotten above princess.

O: But back to this curtsy.

P: Okay, so I said to Ani, “I have to Curtsy? But he’s like your grandfather or your great, great grandfather or your great granddaddy to the tenth power.” And he says, “He’s Yoda.” So we practiced a little in the lobby of Jedi Tower and Jar Jar Binks was there at the reception desk and he came over and helped.

O: So how did it go when you met Yoda?

P: I curtsied deep, but I fell over. Yoda raised his eyebrows and said, “Uummmm.” I said, “Sorry, let me try again.” And he said,

“There is no try. There is only do or do not.”

Well, I made three more “do nots” until Yoda said, “Not strong the Force in this one is.” Then turned his back on me and hobbled over to the bar.”

O: That was a put down.

P: They’re all like that. Arrogant, snooty, condescending. They sit around all day spouting these moral platitudes aimed at everyone but themselves. And if you disagree with them, they’ll do a little of that Jedi distance-choking on you.

O: It must’ve been hard to live in that environment.

P: Oh, you have no idea. I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything, just hang around the palace all the time. And not being one of them, they thought it was great fun to play their stupid Jedi mind tricks on me.

O: How so?

P: Like one time I was in the palace bowling alley and the smell of chili dogs was heavy in the air, so I started to really crave a chili dog. Ahsoka Tano was working the food counter that day. I said to her, “I’ll have Two chili dogs, some cheese fries and a Coke.” And she waves her hand and says, “These are not the chili dogs and cheese fries you’re looking for.” So I said, “Well, what am I looking for?” And she said, “Kale salad and a diet Coke.” And you know, I really, really wanted chili dogs and cheese fries. It was so unfair. Wah. It made me feel lonely.

O: You couldn’t leave the palace?

P: Oh, they’d let me out to do official business like chasing some Sith or inspecting a battalion of clones. But I never could just be myself, you know, like go to lunch with some of my handmaidens or such.

O: How awful.

P: Sometimes I just wanted to get away with the girls. Anakin can be sweet, but, frankly, he does have something of a dark side.

Anakin Skywalker walks in on cue to join the conversation.

O: [acting surprised] Oh, hi, Anakin. Or should I call you Darth.

A: Not yet.

O: Padme was just talking about you.

Anakin: [giving Padme the Look] I heard. What dark side?

O: Yes, what dark side?

P: [squirming] I don’t know. Like the time you Force threw that little bird into a wall.

A: It was Humming too loud. I was trying to take a nap.

O: It must’ve been hard giving up your Jedi-ship, Anakin. Why did you decide to leave?

A: Someone in the Order was concerned about what color our children would be and if they would have horns.

O: [looking aghast] What?!

P: Yes. Although you can’t tell by looking at me, I’m quint-racial. One of those is Dathomirian Zabrak.

Oprah holds her palms upward, shrugs, and looks non-plussed, indicating she doesn’t know what the hell Padme is talking about.

P: They’re human-looking but are red and black and horny. I mean they have horns. You know, like Darth Maul.

A: [looking at Padme] Wait. What?

P: I told you that.

A: Huh-uh. You said you were part Zabrak. You didn’t say anything about the Dathomirian part.

O: What’s the difference?

A: The plain Zabraks are mostly orange. The Dathomirian ones are black and red.

O: But they both are horny?

P: Yes.

A: Well, that’s why I left the Order. All I want to do now is hang around here and raise chickens. I love chickens, especially fried. [he turns to his wife again] Darthomirian? Really?

O: Chickens?

P: I rescued some chickens from KFC. They live in the guest house. We didn’t have chickens on Naboo or anywhere else in our galaxy. [she sighs] That all seems so long ago and far, far away now.

O: This looks like a good place to wrap it up. My friend is having the governor over tonight for an unrestricted cookout for two hundred, so she needs her yard back.

A: Perhaps she could use one of our chickens.

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© 2020 by Phil Truman. All rights reserved

I want to give a special thanks to these fellow writers and encourage you to read their great posts: Roz Warren, Stuart Englander, Fatim Hemraj, Bebe Nicholson, Amanda Walker, Holly Jahangiri, Tree Langdon, Tim Maudlin, Jeff Herring, Dr Mehmet Yildiz, Dr. Preeti Singh, Michael Burg, MD, Mary Chang Story Writer, Synthia S., Terry Mansfield, Terry Trueman