Opinion: We Need An Official Diagnosis For Dating Trauma

I’m not going to mince words, I think the modern dating scene should have its own DSM book.

Recently, I noticed that one of my friends had started to look a bit ill when I video chatted him. Eventually, I asked him what was wrong, and it wasn’t quite surprising.

He had a rough go of dating, to say the least. His last girlfriend cheated on him, stole $100,000 worth of stuff from him, and then slandered his name. And, to top it off, he had a date that went so terribly he decided to drink himself stupid.

I just so happened to reach out to him right as he was nursing a heroic-level hangover. He had just finished vomiting when I rang him up. After a while, he paused and he tell me, “Look Ossiana, I’m not going to lie. I’ve been shot before but dating is turning out to be more traumatic than that for me.”

Would you believe me when I say that this isn’t the first time I heard someone say something like this?

Studies show that the vast majority of people have experienced trauma while dating.

Do you feel like you’re getting traumatized by trying to find a partner? You’re not alone. Both men and women are starting to show symptoms of trauma due to their experienced in the modern dating world.

It’s easy to see where trauma comes from in certain situations — like women getting threats on Tinder or a guy who gets rejected. What’s interesting is that trauma triggers that people experience don’t always involve date rape, assault, or other “big T” traumas like that.

Rather, dating trauma often involves a culmination of “little t” traumas that just keep building up until it becomes too much to handle. These minor issues can include:

• Repeated rejections. I mean, rejection hurts and it’s a part of life. We all have to learn how to handle rejection. However, that doesn’t mean it still won’t hurt like a bitch. Eventually it can and will get to you.
• Ghosting. You were so stoked for the date…and then they just bail. You don’t know what you did wrong. When it happens with a relationship, that’s a major T. When it happens with a first date or second date, it’s just a minor trauma.
• People bashing you for rejecting them. Women face a lot of this online. A lot, a lot. After a bit, it’s normal to stop finding men as attractive as you once did.
• Negging. There is a reason why I call negging verbal abuse. It’s because it is. It’s just not as overt as regular berating.
• Reading negative and unrealistic dating advice online. Yes, those male grifter gurus who tell you that “women are hypergamous” and that they only want your wallet are traumatizing you. It’s disturbing stuff that makes you feel validated, but also causes you to rage towards women. That’s self-inflicted trauma that also impacts how you perceive others.

Obviously, everyone has the right to reject a person they do not find attractive. And while ghosting isn’t ideal, it is often done because the person feels unsafe talking to you or worries you’ll get violent.

Many of the small traumas are unavoidable or at least, not done with a bad intention in mind. Sometimes, people just don’t know how to end things in a well-mannered way.

Whether we want to admit it or not, all those tiny traumas can affect us in big ways.

With dating, you are going to get hurt. It’s just the nature of the game. However, it’s still important to recognize that all those little hurts can add up to big hurt over time.

We, as a society, speak at length about the trauma that comes with domestic violence or how people can be traumatized by online bullying. But being traumatized due to repeated rejections? People often brush that aside as being weak.

It’s not necessarily weak.

In fact, it’s human nature to feel hurt, discouraged, and even a little resentful towards a group of people who repeatedly reject you. If you face too much rejection, your self-worth will start to plummet — even if you objectively know you’re not a bad date.

No amount of others telling you you’re great can help, either. It’s time to recognize that you may need the help of actual therapy or support groups.

How do you know if you’re traumatized by dating?

Dating trauma works the same way that regular trauma works. This means that you probably may feel:

• Unusual levels of resentment, aggression and hatred towards people who belong to the same category that traumatized you. When I see men spouting off misogynistic shit at my posts, I recognize they’ve had trauma. Healthy men don’t act like that.
• A feeling of dread towards going on a first date. Sometimes, trauma can also lead to anhedonia — a lack of any form of enjoyment doing an activity you may have loved.
• Nightmares. This is a PTSD response I have a lot. You might have it too.
• Feelings of low self-worth and despair. Yes, I know that feeling of “I’m so unwanted and unlovable, I’ll die alone” vibing. It’s rough. And it’s trauma — induced.
• Phobias. Trauma can make you develop monophobia, just so you know.
• Rage outbursts. Yeah, that can be trauma, especially if you’re getting angry at couples for just existing.

If you are traumatized, you owe it to yourself to take a break from dating and realign with yourself.

Dating while traumatized is a bad, bad idea in most cases. It sets you up for failure. That’s why it’s important to recognize when you’re not feeling well and ask for help.

Therapy, positive support groups, and even just taking a break from our dating obsession can help. As for me, I personally want to see Dating Trauma become an actual DSM-VI diagnosis.

That way, we can actually see specialized treatments for it. And if you ask me, it’s going to be an in-demand option.