Opening Our Marriage Almost Killed My Husband!
Chronicle of an Open Marriage #25
I was away from home at a meditation retreat when I got a frightening text from Hubs. “Can you talk? Are you busy? Text me when you have some privacy.” My mind instantly flew to horrible scenarios involving dead children or grandchildren. I took my phone outside and hurried away from the building in the dark, tapping frantically.
“What’s up? Is everything okay? What’s going on?”
“I had a nasty fall while getting f*cked. I fainted and banged my head good. Scared the shit out of Captain.”
Captain is Hubs’ lover, and recently, our guide to the glory and pleasures of three-ways. We’re a couple in a long-term marriage which we opened up at my suggestion eight months ago.
“OMG! Are you okay? Was it the Viagra? How’s your head?”
Hubs sent a picture that looked terrible. There was a gash an inch long on the back of his head! It looked to me like it was a quarter inch wide. There was a bump forming beneath it.
“Oh no! You need stitches!”
“Captain says it will be worse tomorrow…swell up and get black and blue, but that I don’t need stitches.”
Captain works in health care, so I guess I believe him? But does everyone who works in any capacity in healthcare really know when a person needs stitches? And can you always trust that a person you met on a dating app will be truthful about what work they do? I wasn’t sure what to say…
“I’m so sorry this happened to you!”
“He’s a medical professional. He stayed with me and took care of me until I was on my feet.”
Okay. So Captain’s not a complete monster who would run away from an unconscious and possibly fatally injured man. That was good to hear.
“I guess he knows…?”
“My orgasm took a lot out of me and then he kept f*cking me all over and I fainted while moving to another room.”
That tracked. In my experience of him so far (we’ve had three three-ways), Captain has been an insatiable lover. At our first threesome, he penetrated me FIVE times! Hubs had to do a little “fluffing” (read: give Captain blow jobs) in between encounters, but still…
“Do you have the bandages and medicine you need? Should I come home?”
“I did take Viagra, and that lowers your blood pressure, and since my blood pressure is already low…I fainted. And no, you don’t need to come home.”
Call me a bad wife, but I decided to believe him. He was just going to be sitting around, waiting for his wound to heal. He didn’t need me to come home and watch him do that. Besides, I’d paid a lot of money for the retreat.
Other thoughts running through my head included: could this be retribution from an angry god? (No. My god is nurturing, not angry.) Will Hubs throw the pills away? (Definitely. We both agreed on that one.) How good was the orgasm, that it caused him to faint? Will Hubs ever want to have sex with me, a mere mortal woman, again? (The jury is still out on this one, as I’m still away at the retreat. But I’m guessing…yes?) Later, Hubs elaborated.
“I had a FANTASTIC orgasm. I mean a really big one. And then he f*cked me for another 15 minutes, on the couch, in the kitchen, not sure where we were going when I fainted…He wanted to f*ck me in every room.”
Hmmmm. Sounds romantic…
At the end of the day, Hubs wasn’t worried about the blood on the wall and the floor, the gash on the back of his head, or the painful bruises on his rib and knee. He was worried about whether Captain — who got a gash on his leg while trying to catch Hubs — was so traumatized by the experience that he wouldn’t want to come back to the apartment to have sex again. Hubs reminded me of Captain’s sexual prowess to get me on board in a recruitment campaign.
“I can’t f*ck you anywhere near like he can…He’s really A-1 in the sex department…He fucked me to unconsciousness!”
Okay, okay. Enough with the convincing.
The next morning, I checked in via text. Hubs was sore and uncomfortable, but Captain was coming over after work to “check on” him, and he was happy about that.
“I told him you wanted him to f*ck you senseless too.”
“I never said that!”
“I know. But he was feeling guilty.”
My first thought was “so you made him feel better by pimping out your wife?” but I never said that, either. Hubs seemed a bit vulnerable at the moment and might react poorly to sarcasm.
I stuck to the simple, “I prefer to remain conscious.”
So what have we learned from this experience? Let’s review:
- People with heart conditions shouldn’t take Viagra
- Opening your marriage risks the real possibility that your spouse will encounter someone they like having sex with better than you
Because, let’s face it. I don’t think Hubs has ever had an orgasm of that caliber while having sex with me — certainly not one that caused him to faint.
And I’m a little threatened by that fact. But ultimately, I’ve decided not to fret. Because after almost 40 years of marriage, I know my primary relationship is based on a lot more than sex. Hubs and I have multiple bonds that tie us to each other including family, history, love, caring, intimacy, finance…and a mutual desire to keep Captain coming back to our apartment.
Just kidding!!! Hahahah!
Or am I…?
What happened next? Read Chronicle of an Open Marriage #26. Find all of my stories about opening our marriage on the list below, or about sex in general on this one. Get an email whenever I publish. And have a super fun day.
