Opening Our Doors

Lessons I’ve Learned By Letting People Temporarily Move In With Us

In the past 20 years, my husband (the chivalrous knight-in-shining-armor) and I have opened our doors as a landing place for our returning children (yes, they move out; but they also come back), friends, family, and people we hadn’t known for very long.

In 1998, after giving myself internet for Christmas 1997, I met the man I would marry in 1999. We met while internet entered most homes over the telephone lines, and the AOL chat room were free.

When Hubby moved in with me during the summer of 1998, I had no idea that I would be opening my home to other people.

The first experience in 1999 found us opening our home for one of Hubby’s internet friends. He had met her online in 1998 about the same time he met me. She was in a difficult relationship, and because her significant other knew her family and where they lived, she needed a safe place. She was present at our wedding and continues to be our friend.

Not all of our “rescues” have given us the positive experience as the first person.

In addition to our own children (my youngest son staying home after high school to attend the local community college, my oldest son returning after his post college venture toward Vegas fizzled, my oldest step-daughter coming from New York when she didn’t want to return to mom’s home and the company that owned her apartment building was turning the structure into college rentals; my youngest step-daughter coming from New York after breaking up with her cheating fiancé), we have opened our doors to my sons’ girlfriends and one of my step-daughter’s boyfriends, my oldest son’s friend whose parents kicked him out, a mis-fortuned woman who worked with us at Sears and her boyfriend , a drunk and his wife who at one time worked with Hubby (I think), a gamer friend, and finally my brother-in-law. Most have stayed with us for a minimum of six months.

You are probably thinking that my husband and I are a bit crazy. You might be wondering why we would open our home to people we barely know.

My husband had experienced hard times before we met; I had felt the fear of wondering if I could make ends meet after my ex-husband walked out; and together, we both had lived / and were living paycheck to paycheck, borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. We understood the struggles and wanted to help.

We helped others, but not without growing pains and learning along the way.

OUR LESSONS

We learned that other people do NOT always have the same life values that we do.

We learned that people with addictions — who don’t see their own problems — are not those we want to help.

We learned that some people are so grateful for receiving help that they helped us in return.

We learned that some people need a strong push (Yes, go ahead and read that as a strong kick in the backside) to live life on their own.

We learned that some people have their own reality, even when it appears to those of us living in reality that it is a fantasy.

WHERE TO GO FROM HERE

Although we don’t have anyone living with us at present, I don’t think I could deny someone we knew in need a space to crash, and time and help to revamp their life.

But we have LEARNED that there are limits to what we will allow on our property.

Respect our property. We are allowing you space here to live, BUT it is not your house or possessions.

Without any discussion, the brother-in-law decided that we needed our shower head changed, dug up the yard and planted a garden, allowed his dog to dig a hole in the gravel driveway under our camper, allowed one of our dogs to roam the yard on a 50-foot leash without caring that the leash got caught and pulled off the rocks that lined our back drive, and more.

One of our “rescues” lifted some of my jewelry.

Be respectful of our time. I don’t mind driving someone somewhere, but please make sure that there is nothing on MY calendar that might be a conflict.

Participate in our household.

The brother-in-law was living in his camper on our back property. He was, in his mind, self-sufficient. Occasionally, we would invite him for dinner, but many times he would drive off somewhere right before we were sitting down to eat, or he just wouldn’t show up.

I cooked, I served, the least you could do is help with the dishes instead of sitting down and vegging in front of the television.

You have a time limit to your stay.

Just because we opened our door to you does not mean that it is an unlimited invitation. There is a limit and that was never more evident than with one of the gentlemen we allowed to reside in our basement. Even though the gamer had a good job, it took sitting down and writing an exit contract for him to go out and rent a place of his own.

If we don’t ask you to pay “rent” (help for the added amount you put on our gas, electric, water, and food), at least help out when you can.

Adding an extra mouth to our household usually increased our bills. I love cooking but cooking for one or two is extremely difficult. It is always so much easier to cook for four or six. That also costs money.

One of our “rescues” stayed up all night and slept until noon and then got mad because we were up and moving around. Note: This person wasn’t WORKING nights, they were just staying up late.

Don’t touch the thermostat.

I know my heating and cooling bill. There is no reason, at that time, for anyone to change the temperature I have the thermostat set at. Too cold — put on more clothes than shorts and bare feet. Too hot — take off that fleece hoodie in the middle of summer.

Don’t get me wrong. I’d open my doors again to someone I knew who needed a space to stay while they got their life back in order.

My husband’s and my behavior have spread to my oldest son and his family who have become safe havens for two different people so far.

All I really ask of people is to respect what is my husband’s and mine, and for those people we have helped to pay it forward.

Rebecca (Becky) spent 34 years in a teaching career, but when she retired in 2014, she picked up her pen and pursued her passion to write. As a high school English teacher, Becky held the philosophy that she wouldn’t give any writing assignment that she personally wouldn’t or couldn’t do. That philosophy strengthened and broadened her own writing.

In addition to publishing her writing on various platforms, Becky also blogs at Life is for Living, a blog to encourage, motivate, and help others live the best life possible. As an extension of Life is for Living, she also publishes a weekly newsletter, Let’s Chat. (Check it out HERE.) Life is for Living also has a social media presence with the group Coffee on my Porch. (Check it out HERE.)

After teaching writing for 34 years, Becky began Ink & Keyboard, a blog for writers at all levels. She supplements what she writes on the blog with a subscription newsletter, The Writer’s Notebook (Check it out HERE.) and the social media group Ink & Keyboard (Check it out HERE.)

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