Quotable Articles #13
Open Yourself
The only way to successful relationships is to let it go
“You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.” — Indira Gandhi
I am in the midst of a painful divorce.
Not because of the divorce itself — the marriage was over long before I realized it — but because of the hurtful things that my ex continues to say about me.
It hurts to think that someone you thought you loved now hates you enough to spew vitriol.
As much as it hurts, at the end of the day I can’t let it be about me and my feelings. You see, there’s someone far more important in the mix…our daughter.
That is who I’m focusing on — and that’s why I’m trying really hard to let go.
When this quote first showed up on my desktop calendar, I immediately had the sarcastic thought that of course you can shake hands with a clenched fist — in fact the act of shaking hands is literally the act of clenching your fist around someone else’s.
Of course that’s not what Indira Gandhi means.
Madam Gandhi was twice elected as the Prime Minister of India serving two non-consecutive terms totaling fifteen years and only ending with her assassination in 1984. She is also the only woman to ever lead the country since its independence from Great Britain in 1947.
Clearly, she’s a person who knows something about shaking hands in a meaningful way.
India has a long history of less than cordial relationships, and anyone who wants to lead the country must be a skilled diplomat. They must also know when to let go of their anger for the benefit of their country.
The same is true for relationships everywhere. If we want to build something better with another person or group, we cannot approach the process with any anger.
It doesn’t matter what happened before, it doesn’t matter how justified you think you are in your anger, if you approach a relationship building process in anger, then you are doomed to fail.
To approach this with openness is not an easy process because it requires both significant personal growth and also the willingness to move past your anger, hurt, and other emotions.
To truly and authentically approach any relationship building process from a handshake to a business partnership, you cannot hold any anger towards the other party. This means that you have to dig deep and to really do the work about your own behavior and the source of your anger towards the other person.
This isn’t easy — believe me I know.
But it is so worth it.
When you do the work on yourself you are more capable of building authentic relationships with others — but in doing so you build a more authentic relationship with yourself.
By learning to move past the anger and hurt, you become a better person for others and yourself.
I would love to say that I’ve moved past all of the anger and hurt in my divorce…but I haven’t.
It’s a process that is hard and requires me to be truthful and authentic about my own role in the relationship.
But I’m doing it for my daughter.
Because nothing that happened between her mother and I has anything to do with my daughter, and she deserves parents who can at least talk to each other.
It’s not easy, but it will be worth it.
