Open Marriages and Other Myths

I Prefer Straight-Up Cheating

All the men I come across on dating sites are in “open marriages.”

YEAH, right.

I believe you, dude.

“My wife is aware that I’m ‘on here,’” he writes. Here meaning your online dating site of choice. Tinder, OkCupid, Ashley Madison, Plenty of Fish, or what have you.

I’m sure your wife helped you craft the perfect profile.

“I’m looking for someone to hang out with. Someone well-versed in the art of banter. Someone who can see both sides of every story. I’m looking for someone great,” he wrote.

You’ll be looking for a long time, Mister. That’s a tall order for cheating.

How about a pulse and a pussy?

He continued, “I’m not looking for the perfect woman.” Well, that’s good. We clarified some of your unreasonable demands.

“I’m willing to start with the simple stuff, like not stab me to death,” he wrote.

I chuckled.

Better. This might be amusing.

“Note: I’d like to amend that to ‘will not stab me at all,’ which includes (but is not limited to) wounding, chasing me with pointy objects, is working towards her MFA in body piercing or had phlebotomist role-playing fantasies,” he wrote.

I must meet you. You are making me laugh.

“All joking aside, I want someone with intelligence. And kindness. And a sense of humor. And wit. And a high sex drive. And a sense of adventure. And intelligence.”

Wait, didn’t he say intelligence already?

“And the self-restraint to NOT jump all over me about saying ‘intelligence’ twice.”

DAMN.

Knocks me out.

I’m a jumpy bitch.

“And not all stabby,” he wrote.

Oh my. I really liked his cheating ass.

“Someone who sees the world as a glass half full — because one of us should be optimistic.”

Ain’t me, that’s for sure. Optimism isn’t my strong suit. I’m a dedicated Eeyore. But who knows? We might click in person? He eliminated at least 99% of my competition with all his “ands.”

So many requirements. And not violent, too?

Oooof. The women left were nil. Hate to break to you dude.

He’s making this difficult. Looking for a lover is already fraught with difficulty. How much harder could it get?

Well, for me, it’s relatively easy. The fresh dick land in my inbox daily. For him, I’m guessing the landscape is a tad more arid. This is like OZ. The man behind the curtain is looking to get laid. I would suggest granting more wishes to wannabe adulteresses.

“How about a massage?” “I can make you happy, I promise.” “You won’t regret this.” “You’ll be thrilled with me.”

Give the ladies what they want. Except for a ring, of course. His wife already has that. He’s “open,” and she’s on board with cheating, yet not worried about a wife 2.0. A newer replacement model.

I don’t think so…

Something smells fishy in the sea of dick.

“I can prove it to you,” he texts.

“Yeah, right. You can ‘prove’ that your wife is aware of your philandering by forging her acceptance. I’ll buy it.”

I’m NOT skeptical at all.

I would prefer just straight-up cheating. Call it what it is. Don’t try to sugarcoat the turd. We are doing nasty deeds to our loved ones with adultery.

Own it.

His new lover will be perfect and “not at all stabby,” but his soon-to-be ex-wife will make up for that fact. She’s the wild card.

Does she know about his wandering eye? I doubt it.

She might let her hair be all curly, go Glen Close full-on-bunny-boiler-crazy on you. My prospective affair partner is worried about the wrong lady in all of this. His lover won’t be the psycho but his wife might be…

I won’t be in an “open marriage” until I blow everything up and claw my way out of mine, and until then, I don’t want to be in yours.

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