Comedy Writing
Open Letter To Simon Who Took My Number One Spot On Duolingo
No bueno, Simon…
Dear Simon who took my number one spot on Duolingo,
You think I care you took my place?
Damn right I do!
I was enjoying learning a new language. I was starting to feel like a Spanish citizen from the comfort of my own home. I eat Tapas now. Olives too…whenever I can afford them.
I was ready to wave goodbye to my old life and set sail for the sunny haven of Madrid. But life, and Simon, had different ideas.
There I was playing my maracas (not a euphemism) when suddenly my phone pings.
Oh that’s fine it’s only Duolingo.
But I look a little closer.
There are those words that I still see in my nightmares.
“Simon took your number one spot”
Tell me how it feels Simon? Taking candy from a…whatever “baby” is in Spanish. You’ve broken my heart. I may never flamenco again.
So all I can say is:
- Enjoy all your duo gems.
- Enjoy your digital birds telling you what a great job you’ve done.
- Enjoy being reminded every five minutes that you haven’t done any Spanish today.
I’ve got a loving family…sorry, a family…to go home to. So who’s the real winner here?
We may never meet Simon, but just know this, I could beat you on Duolingo and achieve my language goals if I wanted. I’ve just been so damn busy this week…
You’d better go off to Spain and have great linguistic skills Simon. Make people believe you’re actually Spanish. Otherwise, this has all been for nothing.
Not very kind regards,
Senor Adam — a sour Duolingoer
