OPEN LETTERS
An Open Letter to WASPS on the Road
I need help buying a camper hive.
Dear WASPS-in-Flight,
They say our blood is still infused with the DNA of our nomadic ancestors. I’ve also heard tell that, like ants, we can’t help but conquer new territory.
But I believe my desire for a camper comes down to this: teardrop trailers about 13' long are super cute!
I once made fun of my brother-in-law, Miles, and his wife, for touring the country in a hulking RV I secretly nicknamed White Flight. It had those sides that pushed out so you could lounge in a normal sized living room.
It cost $230,000.
They were nomads, until Miles got sick. They hadn’t gotten health insurance — just for a year — so when his illness landed him in the hospital for two weeks, their life savings were wiped out. They were forced to sell White Flight at a considerable loss.
They ended up living in, ironically, a trailer park. I’m sorry, it was a mobile home park. And yet the homes were not mobile.
It was grim, and they weren’t even WASPs.
I don’t wanna go down that way, so I’m starting small. But I’m not clueless — I know tiny travel trailers are a gateway drug.
Soon I’ll be perusing ads for full-sized Airstreams.
Closet RV Enthusiast
I’ve gotta pull together 1,500 words about a Pennsylvania mom who murdered her four infant children today — but it’s too early to dive into that cauldron of horror.
Instead, I’m writing to you because I’m worried.
Have I been lying to myself?
I’ve had several lesbian friends tell me I’m really gay and don’t know it, but after 20 years of marriage (to a man) I think these well-meaning, poker-playing ladies might be projecting.
I resemble a long haul truck driver whenever I wear a vest and I love motorcycles, but I’m confident those are just coincidences.
On the other hand, I think I could be a closeted RV-loving white anglo-saxon protestant (WASP).
I envision your ilk as the metaphorical offspring of Rachel Carson and a libertarian gun nut like, say, Hunter S. Thompson.
Well — there goes any hope of a viral open letter. I’ve lost 90% of the Medium audience by referencing extremely dead people. (Note to self: I need to get on that platform the kids are using, whatsitcalled, Tik Tok).
Let me rephrase: I think you could be the bastard offspring of Leonardo DiCaprio and Krysten Sinema.
I suspect most of you trailer-loving wanderers are on the precipice of becoming liberal preppers. Fess up — are you packing heat in your l’il fifth wheels?
Are you willing to write me back and explain yourselves so I can put these outdated metaphors to rest?
Please do not Twitter me or use Instagrammer. I’m still on MySpace.
My Badass Weapon Supply
My local newspaper, The Village Voice (not the NYC version) is famous for its police report. Take this gem:
“A three-legged dog with an attitude was reportedly ‘terrorizing the neighborhood’ on Alicante Lane; the owner had previously received a warning about letting him run loose. When officers arrived, ‘ol Tripod and his sidekick, Bruiser, were barking at everyone….”
Wondering how the story ends? Not dramatically. I guess the owner herded Tripod and Bruiser back inside the house, then got a citation.
Loose dogs are serious business in these parts. I’ve scampered home more than once after encountering small packs, and I carry pepper spray.
Here in rural Arkansas, I’ve learned to embrace weapons. My stockpile includes: a sword, bear spray, pepper spray, a police knife, and a club used for killing fish.
Please write back and let me know how I can cull down the arsenal and/or enhance it for my next project: taking a small travel trailer on the road. I’m considering trading them all in for a snub-nosed .38 special and it seems like, what with limited storage, I might benefit from a single weapon.
On the other hand, I’m a liberal and would probably shoot myself in the foot.
My Fate as a WASP
I’ve reached my fifties and I’m a WASP, so mulling over buying a travel trailer, maybe a teardrop or a pop-out, is what comes next.
My mostly Neanderthal DNA compels me to criss-cross this crumbling Empire, much like Don Quixote and Sancho or Tripod and Bruiser if they could drive.
They say New York Jews move to Florida, Wisconsinites buy lakeside cabins in Arkansas (“halfbackers”), and California Dreamers flee for cheaper land.
Is that racist? My point is: Fate has other ideas about how we wile away our golden years.
Will my WASP hive be a Scamp or Jayco? Whatever happens, I’m praying I can learn to back the thing up without crushing someone’s yard gnomes. I also need help optimizing my self-defense arsenal, so the camper will not be encumbered with superfluous weaponry.
My older sister is already way ahead of me: they just traded in their Airstream for a behemoth fifth wheel you could host a convention in. They even had to buy a bigger truck, like a Ford F550 or something.
I think they are liberal preppers but I don’t want to broach the topic. What if they get offended like that time a LGBTQ cable channel interviewed me in the street?
That’s right, I was minding my own business on the streets of Atlanta, wearing my motorcycle jacket, when some blonde lady shoved a microphone in my face and asked me about politics.
I’ll admit the street interview ruffled my feathers. Now total strangers were assuming I was playing for the lavender team?
Is It Prepping or Common Sense?
I feel like this camper trailer might be the first step to becoming a Liberal Prepper, and that is another of my worries.
Here we are, year three of a global pandemic. I live in a bubble, but I sense people who have real jobs, like health care and essential workers — are exhausted and ready to throw in the towel.
It feels like I should start stockpiling canned foods, MREs, and fuel.
At the very least, I need to assess whether our woodpile is big enough to get us through another polar vortex.
Perhaps you, experienced WASP roadies, could rate some of my ideas based on how practical they are, using a 1–10 scale? One is “crash-test dummy dumb” and ten is “MENSA.”
— Buy a crossbow and learn to hunt the local deer
— Buy a fishing boat instead of a small camper trailer
— Join a lib prep online support group
— Adopt a dog named Bruiser for protection
Final Trailer Life Thoughts
Please report back on how you became an RV-enthusiast. Did it happen all at once? Were you bored with the same old bridge games with the same old WASPy neighbors?
Did you watch one too many Mad Max movies?
Do you regret even one second your decision to hit the road, Jack?
Peace Out,
The Flightless WASP