Oops, I Did It Again. The Allure & Danger of Pleasing Others.

Summary

The author reflects on the personal cost of prioritizing others' needs over their own, leading to overcommitment and burnout, and emphasizes the importance of recognizing one's limits and focusing on personal goals and well-being.

Abstract

The article titled "Oops, I Did It Again. The Allure & Danger of Pleasing Others" is a personal narrative detailing the author's journey from being overly accommodating to others at the expense of their own priorities, to realizing the necessity of self-care and personal agenda setting. Throughout graduate school and into their early career, the author consistently put the needs of peers, advisers, and supervisors before their own, driven by a desire to be indispensable and appreciated. This behavior established them as the "go-to guy" for all manner of requests, which was initially gratifying but ultimately detrimental. The realization of the need for change came with the birth of the author's child, which served as a wake-up call to re-evaluate life priorities and the unsustainable nature of their people-pleasing habits. The author concludes by advocating for the recognition of personal limits and the prioritization of one's own tasks and well-being over the constant fulfillment of others' demands, especially when such efforts go unrecognized and unrewarded.

Opinions

The author believes that constantly aiding others, especially in an academic or professional setting, can lead to neglect of one's own goals and health.
There is an opinion that being the person everyone relies on is addictive and provides a false sense of self-satisfaction.
The author suggests that the mentality of equating assistance to others with personal advancement is misguided and can result in overextension without tangible benefits.
It is expressed that the true value of one's work is in the core responsibilities, not in the additional tasks taken on to please others.
The author emphasizes that personal health and family should be the top priorities, and that it is crucial to set boundaries to avoid burnout.
The article conveys that meaningful recognition, such as promotions or bonuses, is not always given for extra efforts, and thus, one should not expect such rewards when overextending themselves for others.

How I learned to prioritize my own agenda before others

I just couldn’t help myself, throughout graduate school, and into my early career, I constantly throw myself to fulfill others’ Wishlists while putting my own agenda on hold. While it is commendable aiding others, especially my peers, advisers, or supervisors, excessive dedication to every cry for help can derail us from our own agenda and goals.

We ought to recognize our limited bandwidth and learn to prioritize our own tasks prior to helping others with theirs.

Similar to the scenario of an airplane depressurization, if you run out of oxygen yourself, you can’t help others with theirs.

I always had difficulty turning down personal requests, whether they are coming from advisers, mentors, managers, friends, or families. I got the worst of it in graduate school. As a young research assistant, I wasn’t inclined to turn down a favor from my “boss”. In my mind, I created a false perception that “He who denies the request of those who dictate the success of his research is a fool”. Sadly, this mentality lasted my entire graduate school and contributed to the deceivingly noble devotion of nights and weekends in the laboratory.

There was never a shortage of requests from everyone I know. Over time, I became the “go-to guy” for all things big or small, vital or trivial. It felt wonderfully addictive to be needed, and such a confidence boost in an environment where a pat-on-the-back was hard to earn. Surely, my “boss” factored all my extra contributions into my research performance evaluation.

Well, he never did. They Never do.

Everything I did outside of the core job description was out of my own will, my own time, and my own bandwidth.

Yet, I continued to oblige to every request, unwilling to be on anyone’s bad side and kept on siphoning that false sense of self-satisfaction.

Even after becoming a young scientist in the industry, I continued to carry this mentality of thinking what I do for others would surely add to my own advancement, and so, I continued to suffer silently for helping others meet their deadlines while missing my own.

It wasn’t until my wife became pregnant and needed more of my attention and care, that I realized how thin I had stretched myself. I was working non-stop, first at work and then at home. I didn’t have time to socialize, I worked on the weekends to catch up on missed work. I spent time with families like tasks on a checklist, eager to move on to the next. While my wife was giving birth, I was still finishing up a work report. I was drained on all fronts, physically and mentally.

Worst of it all, at the end of the day, my pay was the same, there were no bonuses, no promotion, no meaningful accolades, just a false sense of self accomplishments at the expense of my own health and quality time with family.

It wasn’t until my daughter’s first cry and that beautiful eyes looking into mine, did I realize I was close to being burned-out, and that I must re-evaluate my priorities in life.

While holding my daughter close, with her tiny fingers grabbing tightly onto mine. I awoke and promised myself that they ought to be the priority in my life.

We aren’t supermen/women, each of us has limits, we must prioritize our limited bandwidth to do what matters the most. We must stop trying to please others without impactful returns. Ultimately, it is really the assigned work that speaks loudest for us.

May my personal story help you better prioritize what is important in life.