Only Date A Strong Woman After Learning These 12 Truths
Not everyone is up to the task.
Many men say they want a strong and confident woman…until it’s time to actually date one.
I chose to marry a woman with these qualities because it was evident from the start that, in addition to the passion and love, we had similar goals for our futures and would work well as a team to accomplish them.
And that is exactly how we are building our dream life together.
But, this article isn’t about me — it’s about the truths that remain consistent when approaching relationships with women who were already living a thriving and successful life long before you came along.
Here are just a few truths to expect along the journey:
1: The games that worked before…won’t.
I know that you’re used to operating a certain way and dating on the surface level. You’re used to propping her up with recycled compliments about her appearance and copy/pasted “good morning, beautiful” texts.
This time around, though — that’s not going to fly.
You need to be genuine, authentic, and consistent. A woman who has already built a life and a strong sense of self-worth outside of your relationship is going to see this coming a mile away, because she’s been through it before.
She’s already navigated the terrain of dating and, quite frankly, is probably tired of it. She’s waiting for someone to cut through the noise and stop fitting the mold of every other guy that she’s dated before.
If you come at her with the same tired games that everyone else did, she’s just going to brush you off and keep moving forward. But, if you can show her that you’re different (not just tell her), then you’ll stand out from the crowd.
2: This isn’t just a fling.
When I met Rachel I already knew that it was either going to be something serious, or nothing at all.
This was magnified by the fact that she already had two children, but would’ve been true regardless just based on her personality.
Women who are focused and driven in their lives are not just looking for someone to pass the time with — unless, of course they tell you that’s what they’re looking for.
If, though, you’re starting down a path that signals she’s looking for a committed and monogamous relationship, it’s not an action she is taking lightly.
She’s already spent the time figuring out who she really is and what she really wants out of life, so the steps she takes in dating are going to be deliberate and intentional — just like in the other areas of her life.
3: Your communication skills will make or break it.
I’ve told the story of how Rachel and I met many a time before — , but if you’re new here: We’d been Facebook friends for 10 years without really speaking, and then once the pandemic lockdowns started, we struck up a conversation about how our respective businesses had been impacted.
For nearly the next three months we talked constantly. Text, phone calls, video “dates.”
If my communication skills had been sub-par, or if I’d been boring, or if I’d been a lousy texter, or…one of a million other things, it could’ve halted the relationship in its tracks before it even began.
And let’s be honest, the same would’ve been true if she were any of those things, as well.
The good news is, you don’t have to be a great communicator right now. It’s a skill that can be learned, honed, and developed over time — usually through practice.
With over a decade as a writer and a speaker, I’d spent plenty of time crafting my voice over every medium (no pun intended). I didn’t always talk or write this way, it was a style that developed over time. A style that, granted, not everyone vibes with — but when you’re searching for love (or an audience) you don’t want to attract everyone — just the right one.
4: She has no tolerance for disrespect.
Let’s put this bluntly: Nobody should have any tolerance for disrespect. There’s no room for it in the workplace, in your friendships, in your family, and especially in your intimate relationships.
It is true, though, that you might’ve dated women in the past who had a lower sense of self-worth, and accepted sub-par treatment be it from you (shame, dude), or from other previous ex boyfriends.
That’s not going to be the case with a woman who understands her value and refuses to settle for less.
She doesn’t take shit from people at work, she doesn’t deal with fake friends, she doesn’t even accept disrespect within her own family…so you can bet that she’s certainly not going to tolerate it in her relationships, either.
5: She appreciates you being decisive.
I believe that an overlooked sign of confidence is the ability to make decisions.
Why?
Because making clear and deliberate decisions shows that you know exactly what you want. It shows that you’re clear on your values, and that you trust yourself enough to make the right call.
Sure, some require more deliberation than others, but in the realm of dating, you’re likely deciding where to have dinner, where to celebrate your anniversary, where to take that first trip as a couple together, or even where to get married.
When making major decisions, you’re collaborating and making them together as a team.
“Hemming and hawing” too much is going to delay the process, put most of the weight on her shoulders, and even send the subliminal message that you either don’t know what you want — or that you don’t really want “this” in the first place.
Being clear and decisive in the choices you make, though — in all areas of life — show her that you trust yourself enough to not question every small thing that you tell yourself.
And if she’s going to trust you…she needs to know that you trust you.
6: She’s going to hold you accountable.
No, she’s not your drill sergeant, personal trainer, or your life coach (that’s my job). But, she does care enough to notice when you flake or fall through on your commitments, particularly when they’re ones that you make to her.
Also, though, the ones that you make to yourself.
She didn’t get to where she is in life by surrounding herself with people who flake on their promises. She’s used to being with those who are equally driven and ambitious, so she has a standard of expectations for them, as well.
Let me be extra clear about this: This doesn’t mean she’s going to “mother” you or have to drag you to the gym every day…it simply means that once people reach a certain level of life they tend to avoid those who drain them of their energy.
This is about you keeping your word to yourself.
If she doesn’t see you doing that, she certainly won’t think that you’ll keep your word to her, either.
7: She’s going to inspire you.
One of the things I’ve always loved about Rachel is how relentlessly driven she is.
I mentioned she was running a business when we met, it was a 14,000 square foot indoor playground for kids. Over the next few months, she decided to open a takeout restaurant and I was beside her for every step of that journey.
Watching her work and manage her teams, while raising 2 small children, drove me to work even harder, as well.
Then, when her businesses were forced to fold during to pandemic shutdowns, she bounced right back up again and created more work for herself over the next year.
Now, less than two years after that, we live in a beautiful house together, have accomplished massive personal goals, and are married, raising the two little ones together.
She’s home with the kids working harder than ever as a stay at home mom, which is a job that has no set hours, no breaks, and no vacation time (unless we can sneak away for a night or a dinner out now and then).
To watch her perseverance and refusal to quit is something that drives me forward every single day.
It drives me to match her efforts and do everything I can do bring value to this family and the relationship.
I believe that the old adage is true: You become like the people you spend the most time with.
And, when you’re choosing a spouse or life partner, you’re talking about spending forever with them — so you can certainly expect to be influenced by their personality, work ethic, worldviews, and energy.
Choose someone who will elevate you, not who will pull you backwards — and make sure you’re doing the same for them.
8: She’s going to expand your horizons.
Odds are, she doesn’t live a boring life.
She has her own passions, ambitions, interests, and you bet your ass she has her own opinions.
Men have two choices when dating a woman like this:
1: Shy away. Doubt one’s self and the value you can bring to her life — assume it is limited, and subsequently continue the search for a partner.
2: Embrace the prospect of being with someone who can challenge you. Someone who you can learn from. Someone who you can grow alongside because you already know they value their own personal growth.
If you choose #2, the world will begin to expand in front of you as you have meaningful discussions, explore new places and concepts, create new hobbies and interests together, and listen to how her experiences have crafted her worldview differently from yours.
It’s the ultimate learning experience, if you stay open to it.
9: You’ll have to EARN your place in her life.
“But Jamesssssss it has to go both waysssssssssssss.”
Goodness gracious, if I had a dollar for every time someone stated the obvious, I’d be writing this from my Yacht in Monaco. Maybe next year.
We all know that all of this has to go both ways.
This article, though, is about you, my man…and your quest to date a woman who has real standards.
Her standards mean that not just anyone gets a spot in her life, and if you want to be let in, then you need to show her why you deserve it.
(Yes, she needs to deserve you, too. You can take a deep breath now).
The point, though, is that this is a mountain to climb. It’s not just going to be a switch that gets flipped and you get “access” to her emotionally, nor physically.
You need to show her that you’re serious, genuine, authentic, and consistent.
This takes time, patience, and understanding on your part.
She’s been hurt before.
She’s been through heartbreak.
She’s been lied to.
She may be divorced, or perhaps even lost a spouse in the past — this means at one point she thought she knew what “forever” looked like for her, and it was unexpectedly turned on her head.
The trauma of that doesn’t just disappear, and it takes time to accept that another person might be in that spot in her life.
Her trust (yeah, and yours), must be earned and then it must be maintained over time.
10: You’ll never have to question her feelings.
I’ve said many times before that if a man is truly interested in a woman, he’s going to make his feelings known.
Am I right, guys?
The inverse is also true — when you’re dating a woman who knows exactly what she wants, she’s going to be clear about whether or not that “exactly”…is you.
When it is, her words and her actions will align. She’ll communicate with you frequently, she’ll want to be around you, she’ll cuddle up to you at night, she’ll invite you around her friends and family…
She will express the desire to build a future with you.
None of this is to be taken lightly nor taken for granted. You are both making a weighty decision about what you want the rest of your life to look like.
11: She’s going to be your teammate.
We know that you’re a driven and ambitious man, which is why she’s chosen you in the first place.
You’ve got goals, dreams, and visions for the future you want to create.
As, of course, does she.
The beauty of two people with big dreams coming together is that they double their ability to achieve them.
They support each other, inspire each other, come together to work as a team.
Just as any great team does — they leverage each others’ individual skills to create progress and success.
A great quarterback is useless if the receiver never catches the ball.
When they both work to hone their individual skills, though, and find the best ways that they intertwine with each other, there is no defense that can stop their drive.
12: She’s going to be fiercely loyal to you (and expects the same in return).
Let’s think about what #9 means, exactly.
You spend months being patient and understanding with her. You slowly break through her concerns and speculations about how someone could actually be this genuine and sincere (but you are), until you reach the other side of the mountain.
Once there, you’ve effectively proven yourself.
(Yeah, yeah, so has she…)
The point is this:
You’ve overcome the trial by fire together. You’ve stood by her side. You’ve shown her that you’re serious. You’ve been there during the good and the bad. You still do the things that made her feel special when you first started dating.
You’ve proven that you really are who you said you are — not just putting on some act to get her into bed.
All of that effort creates a large and lasting impact on a person. She will value and respect you in ways that she hasn’t for other people before. She will admire your resilience and perseverance. She will know damn well that most men wouldn’t have climbed that mountain in the same way for the same amount of time that you did.
In doing so, though, you have earned her loyalty, respect, energy, time, and love.
They are her most valuable assets, which is why they remain perched at the top of the mountain. A mountain that few men are ever willing to climb — and even fewer that she’ll give the opportunity to.
You did it, though, and it was all worth it.
- My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
- James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
- Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
- James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.