Online Dating Or Indian Mom’s Whatsapp Messages With Dating Profiles
Could Mom be the secret algorithm that leads to love?
If you’re Indian and of marriageable age (18–80), there are two ways for you to go about getting married. Ok, maybe three.
You could do what most people do which is to meet people in the regular course of your daily life. You go to work or the library and run into someone who catches your eye.
You exchange phone numbers, go out on date, see if you have a connection with them or not and then go out with them again if things go well. Within six months, you’re moving in with each other and one year later, you’re getting married.
If you think this actually happens in the real world, you’re likely smoking something that’s legal in only 20 states.
No one’s moving in with each other after 6 months and no one is getting married after a year. If you know anyone who wants to move in together within 6 months and wants to get married within a year, please DM me directly.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, there’s only two ways to meet people to fall in love with and marry. And meeting someone in your day to day life is definitely not one of them.
What are you left with?
Well there’s good ole old fashion online dating.
You spend minutes each day swiping left and right.
People send you their interest and you reject them immediately. The nerve !?!
The people that don’t reply to you, you stalk. The people who reach out to you, you curse under your breath and tell yourself there’s no good people out there for you. You decide to respond in one week or three months.
The people you do connect with, you simply ignore. You accept them and forget about them. If they believe that you’re the love of your life, they will write you a love poem. If they believe that you’re their soulmate, they’ll take you out on a lobster date dinner. If they believe that you’re the “one”, they’ll say hello or something hopelessly romantic that will make you swoon for them immediately.
Unless they sweep you off your feet, you’re not going to contact them. You were done with online dating before the pandemic ever started.
Well if these two options for dating are ruled out, what you’re finally left with is Mom’s whatsapp messages.
What the hell is this? Sorry, if you’re not Indian, this won’t make sense to you but if you’re Indian and single (ages 18–80), check your whatsapp messages right now. What you’ll see is Mom’s whatsapp messages with dating profiles of Indian men or women who are highly qualified professionally, nearly your age and height, and miraculously live in your neighborhood.
What the $&@)#*$@)#*$ How did she do it?
How does she consistently find someone who is of the same faith, same language, same neighborhood in India who lives in your current zip code? Mom is able to provide you with information about this person’s astrological sign, foreign languages they speak, all schools they received a degree from and credit score report.
This person shares your politics, drives the same car you do, has the same car insurance you do, eats at the same restaurants you do, travels to the same places you do. Oh look, they are going to be at the same Diwali dinner that you’re going to be at next week too — what are the odds!!?!!
There is a vast network of India moms who are day trading their kids like you’re on the New York stock exchange. They are sending you all the up and coming stock picks your way.
Mom is sending you potential. Men and women who have just graduated business school or about to graduate from their medical fellowship. Your future spouse is about to hit it big and your Mom has all the tea including their family’s medical history and where they’re going to be hanging out next week.
What’s a socially awkward Indian person of marriageable age (who has never dated their entire life) to do? I’m going to go out on a limb and say go on the date — you never know what’s going to happen!!
Don’t ask me why I think this semi-arranged, completely stalkish way of finding a life partner works but it seems to be successful much more times than not. Moms picked out your clothes in junior high, your colleges in high school and helped you choose medical specialities in college. Why would they not be great selectors of your future husband or wife?
They know your tastes and preferences. They know what’s better for you better than what you do. They know your selections and opinions better than you do. There are some advantages of a lifetime of mind control and inserting themselves into your lives when you never asked.
Mom has been scouting partners for you like she’s a professional recruiter for the Los Angeles Lakers. She’s made the contacts by infiltrating the target’s extended family in India. She contacted your future partner’s doctors to get their medical history. She’s spoken to all of your future partner’s siblings to find out what your future partner likes to do in their free time and how many kids they want to have.
If you’re still not convinced contacting Mom’s recruits is a good idea, then look at it this way. A subscription to Go For Desi dot com and Indian Vegetarian Matrimony dot com is $50 for every 3 months.
With Indian Mom’s recommendations, you don’t pay a cent. Mom does the scouting, research and stalking for free. No subscription needed and you don’t even have to ask her to do it.
Can you do us all a solid and call that potential date today? Since you can’t put Mom’s messages into spam or block her, the only viable thing to do is make contact and tell her that you gave it your best with the potential suitor she’s lined up for you.
Of course, you have the power to have all this stop and make this madness go away.
The power for you to stop random whatsapp messages during all times of the day and night, to stop your mother from intruding into your life and to end countless unknown potential suitors from contacting you is…
to end the madness and walk the plank …get married.
Your move.
Is arranged marriage a legit way to meet someone or should you call the cops and say you need to be rescued by your family? Read Arranged Marriage: Run to the Altar or Run for your Life here.