avatarPhilip Ogley

Summary

The modern banking security measures have become exceedingly complex and intrusive, leading to the author's reminiscence of simpler times when trust was enough.

Abstract

The author reflects on the stark contrast between the straightforward banking processes of their childhood, involving trust and a passbook, with today's stringent online banking security measures that require extensive verification and sophisticated technology. They highlight the irony of this shift by suggesting that only divine intervention could satisfy the new security standards. The piece humorously criticizes the overcomplicated verification systems, including biometrics and complex CAPTCHAs, that create barriers to accessing personal funds. It also pokes fun at potential future scenarios where religious affiliations might be tied to financial access, suggesting an extreme evolution of security protocols.

Opinions

  • The author laments the loss of a simpler era in banking where human trust was sufficient and contrasts it with today's impersonal, technology-driven verification methods.
  • The new security measures in banking are seen as excessive, leading to a satirical observation that even God would struggle to verify one's identity.
  • There is a clear distaste for the current state of online banking security, which is described as convoluted and frustrating, with the potential for people to be locked out of their own accounts unnecessarily.
  • The author expresses apprehension about the future of banking security, fearing it might evolve into a system where religious institutions could control access to personal finances, bringing back an old-fashioned approach ironically similar to the trusted system of the past.

The Modern World is boring.

Online Banking Security Reaches New Heights

Soon only God will be able to verify you!

Photo by Davide Cantelli on Unsplash

When I was a kid, I used to wander down to the Nationwide Building Society every week to withdraw £2.

It was my pocket money for the week, which the cashier gave to me in the form of two crisp £1 notes. My withdrawal duly noted in my tattered passbook in blue Biro.

That was banking security for you! No photo recognition software, no SMS verification, no marathon-long pin codes. Just plain old-fashioned trust!

Of course, that was way back in 1983, in a small rural town where people still believed in God. These days, I’d have to provide ten forms of ID. Have my eyes scanned and my fingers cut off, simply to prove I was human.

Only to be told:

There Has Been a Error — Come Back Later!

I recently opened a new bank account and the security there is tighter than the Vatican. If I ever get locked out, I’ll have more chance of having a beer with the Pope than getting my money back.

I haven’t even got that much. Imagine if I was a billionaire. I’d have to swing from the rafters like Tarzan to prove I wasn’t a robot.

Which reminds me. Remember these?

(Image/Captcha)

Or the stupid traffic lights you can’t see

(Image/Captcha)

Or the CAPTCHAS that give you LSD flashbacks every time you look at them.

(Image/Captcha)

These are easy compared to the ones my new bank gives me. They look like this:

(Image/My Bank)

What the Fuck! It’s like Russian written backwards. Or the code to Atlantis. It’s why I hate logging-in to banks. You never know what impossible information they’re going to ask next.

Stuff like:

— The name of the horse you never had when you were a child?

— The maiden name of your great great-great-great-aunt?

— How many atoms in the Sun?

Errrr……

Sorry Time Out! Your bank account has been shut down and all assets frozen — forever!

I’m waiting to see how the modern banking sector evolves with regard to security. Will deities have a role?

(Image/Author)

This won’t be far away when the nutcases of the religious right start to turn the screw. Soon they’ll be taking your money and telling you the only way to get it back is to go to church. And leave a (sizable) donation.

And if you don’t have any money. No problem! They’ll make the transfer from your bank (which they incidentally own) for you. And don’t worry about all that tedious verification stuff. They’ll give you an old-fashioned passbook, and will even write the withdrawals in with blue Biro. Just like the old days….

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Banking
Satire
Modern Life
Tech
Religion
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