Kicked off
One-Way Skate to the Eternal Penalty Box — Yes, There’s An App For That
Reviews of dead people, brought to you by Yelp Thanatos®
Death of your loved ones, already a time of pain and confusion, should not be navigated without the security blanket of reviews by people who mean nothing to you. Most of whom are fictional piles of bits anyway, assembled by Russian teens with more tats than Ink Master.
Doesn’t Cousin Ewart, who sold you meme stocks that faded faster than Pokemon GO, deserve the same consideration on Yelp as a review of a Five Guys Bacon Cheese Dog?
For a limited time, and by that we mean up to but not including the Second Coming, you can upgrade your Yelp account to our new premium feature, Thanatos®, your handy multitool for reviewing the dead.
Check out these recent Thanatos reviews!
Fred T. Johnston ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4.1, 143 reviews)
“A standup guy! Always the first to lend you cordless hedge shears or a Sawzall whenever you were served divorce papers or had a limb amputated.”
“Yeah, Fred. Old Fred, huh? Wow, Fred is gone. Didn’t really know him, saw him at the hardware store once, at least I think it was him, had the hat with the earflaps?”
“Once you activate your pineal gland, you will effortlessly attract wealth and abundance, for the rest of your life! You won’t believe how simple it is to do, right from the comfort of your home. Click here.”
Arnie Pretzels ⭐⭐⭐ (1.0, 2 reviews)
“Arnie Pretzels stayed at our luxury Airbnb in Kodiak last summer. He left it smelling like a herd of muskox and terror-bombed us with a one-star review. Hey, Arnie! Gonna ask Yelp to take this down? Oh wait, you’re de — ”
“Leveraging my Thanatos® platinum subscription, I wrote this rebuttal right after my diagnosis. Thanatos SmartSnipe® triggered its publication after it noticed your whine fest. Checkmate, dude. Your ‘luxury suite’ is a tool shed with a trench latrine. The ‘oven’ was a bisected oil barrel and a tin of paint thinner. Turkey vultures have better sanitation. Want to keep dancing? I’m locked and loaded. We can do this all millennium.”
Lindsey Graham
⭐ (1.0, 1 review)
“Not dead. Yet. Technically. One day, our ship will come in. Staking a claim on the alpha review because when this snotrag finally boogies the toes-up tango, your servers will melt.”
Marjorie Jacqueline “Marge” Simpson ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (5.0, 163,452 reviews)
“Wait, what?”
“A true stoic. Never complained, not once. How could Marty and Angelina Simpson know, when their little Marge was born in ’86, that Matt Groening would make her childhood an eternal bowel cramp? After Marge grew up, some DMV zombie would call out ‘Marge Simpson!’ and the room would explode with wall-to-wall Julie Kavner impersonations. Marge was a saint. Though I did tell her the beehive do was kind of gaslighty. And to dump that loser nuclear safety engineer.” “DOHHHHHH!”
Beelzebub ⭐⭐ (1.8, 666 reviews)
“You’re in Hell, so by Yelp’s rules, you’re dead. Deal with it. “Lord of the Flies?” Oooh! Oooh! Must look great on your CV, you quirk bro. Our deal is off: My niece rammed the Lambo into a dumpster. You don’t like it, lawyer up. PS: you smell like the Miami Dolphins laundry hamper after an overtime loss.
For a limited time and a limited time only, you can upgrade to Yelp Thanatos® and get all-you-can-eat reviews of anyone who died before Sisyphus pranked Thanatos into donning his shackles and causing a major death glitch but this being Greek mythology which you snored through sophomore year and not what’s trending on SnapGramTok you have no idea what we’re talking about so trust us it’s fire.
Skittish about reviewing the eternally chillaxed doing the dirtnap boogie down yonder of the Styx? Try our 13-minute Yelp Thanatos free trial! No credit card needed (for the MS-DOS version).
“Baby, take my hand Don’t fear the reaper We’ll be able to fly Don’t fear the reaper” — “Buck Dharma” Roeser, Blue Oyster Cult lead guitarist and lead Thanatos® evangelist
Yelp Thanatos®. The app for that.
Thanks to Amy Sea, ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ for some excellent editing ideas!
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