One Thing I Learned Growing Up In Fancy-People America

Class mobility: it’s never just about the money

So, I may sound like a total douchebag writing this.

Fair warning.

But I read an interesting article a few days ago about class mobility. It talked about going from lower class to upper class in a year. The article focused mostly on the change in economic status (i.e., the amount of money at someone’s disposal) that had been experienced.

And what got me thinking was a comment on the article that pointed out that “class,” at least how it is experienced in the U.S., is much, much more than just how much money you have.

And I realized yeah…going economically lower class to upper class in a year is awesome and amazing and dude you should be so proud. Going class-status from lower to upper class in a year…that would be a mindblowing level of change.

Because you wouldn’t need to just change how much money you have. You would have to learn a hell of a lot in a very short period of time.

So this is me looking at (let me be clear) my personal comprehension of one of the many things that it takes to move up in social class.

Background: Why the Hell Should You Listen To Me

Confession time: I grew up Privileged. As. Fuck.

Fancy-people suburbs of Washington, DC privileged. I didn’t go to private schools, but that’s because I didn’t want to and Small Carrie sabotaged all the interviews (you want to know a really, really good way of not getting admitted into Holton-Arms? When the admission director asks why you want to go there, eight-year-old you replies, “I don’t”).

(In retrospect, that must have been super embarrassing for my parents. Yeaaaaaaah. Oops. Sorry. My b.)

My parents are both lawyers who went to Georgetown Law. I went to an excellent college. I have two emergency dresses for last-minute black-tie events.

To summarize: socioeconomically, I hit the fucking jackpot with my birth. My life has been insanely easier because of it.

(Sucky AF in some ways, but even those have been made easier by the fact that when I couldn’t work without actively dying, I had the option not to work.)

I am very, very lucky.

Now, on to the point.

Class: It’s Not Just The Money

Here’s what I learned growing up: class is never just about the money.

Oh, money helps, do not get me wrong. Money plays a really big role. But it’s possible to be upper, or at least upper-middle class-adjacent without a lot of money.

And it’s possible to have butt-tons on money and be looked at hella sideways by people in your targeted class.

(Sidenote: did you know that “butt” is an actual term of measurement? It refers to a measurement of wine or other alcoholic beverages! I learned this yesterday and am unreasonably pleased.)

Anyway.

It takes a certain type of person to immediately pigeonhole someone’s class and judge them on it on first sight. Do not be that person. I have known several. It is not a good look.

But there are certain cues that people know either through early training or later learned behavior that can function as tells. And one really big one is:

Behavior.

Behavior Is A Massive Class Cue

How you behave is a big fuckin’ deal. You know how your mother (probably) said, “mind your manners” multiple times in your childhood? Sorry to break it to you, but she was totally right. Manners matter.

And it’s not only what fork to use. I, personally, blatantly misuse my cutlery at home all the time. Hell yes I will eat steak with my salad fork, try to effing stop me.

“Manners” goes a lot further than that.

It’s knowing how to behave and the expectations of behavior at different events, ranging from black tie to grocery shopping.

I genuinely can’t describe the details of what I’m talking about, at least at events. It’s like riding a bike — how do you tell someone how to ride a bike? “Just balance” is not helpful. “Here’s the eight thousand different muscle contractions you have to do” is not possible.

However, like riding a bike, it’s learnable. If I was invited to tea with the Queen, I would (a) freak out, and (b) plunge into massive research. There are books on how to behave in different situations. Websites. This shit can absolutely be taught.

Also, if I was in a situation where I didn’t know how to behave and didn’t have the chance to read up on it, I have a sneaky trick.

Mimic what other people are doing.

Are the people around you talking at a certain decibel? Boom, there’s your tone. How are the people around you holding their drinks? Brb, totally borrowing. This can apply to literally everything, from facial expressions to body language to topics of conversation.

The Universal Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free Card

There are a lot of behavioral tells for class status in certain situations, particularly in a really position-conscious place like Washington, DC. But there is one thing that transcends just about every other rule of behavior.

How you treat people.

You can be the biggest fish in your pond, but if you’re a total dick to the waiter you will be looked at sideways. People will remember this. They may not say anything (see: big fish-ness) but they will exchange looks and talk about it in the car.

Conversely, if you genuinely care about the people you interact with (all of them — if you’re only nice to important people, that is immediately seen and judged) and treat them really well, that is a Get Out of Jail Free card that will gloss over a multitude of sins.

Genuine caring about people, going past polite to treating them well? Regardless of situation? That is a rare and beautiful thing, anywhere. People see it. They recognize it. And it will get you through doors that may otherwise have been closed.

In conclusion: treat people well. It’s classy AF.

And give my regards to the Queen 😊.