One Psychological Superpower to Make Your Life Easier
Don’t make assumptions
I have this terrible habit, I think I can read people’s minds. Not really, but I’m good at assuming I know what you’re thinking. Not you, but people in my immediate circle — those I love are my specialty.
To make my life more miserable, I have a very active imagination — I can weave a story with the best of them.
I do it without thinking, a habit I picked up from my father of few words. He made a lot of assumptions as to why my four siblings and I were getting on his nerves and not behaving the way he thought we should behave — with militaristic predictability and routine — think Captian von Trapp without the whistle.
When I assume I know why someone does something, it inevitably creates problems in my life, and nine times out of ten, I’m wrong. Knowing you can’t read minds is freeing; you have no idea what’s going on in someone else’s head.
Now that I’m more mature, I make assumptions a lot less and have a lot less personal drama in my life and a lot more peace of mind.
Assumptions are nothing more than lies we tell ourselves. This creates big drama out of nothing because we don’t really know if something is right or not.
We have a tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are true. — don Miquel Ruiz
The mind is powerful.
Humans have active imaginations, and we tend to live in our minds telling ourselves incredible tales of why this person did that, and that person did this.
We are usually incorrect about the thoughts of other human beings.
Having the courage to not make assumptions has a lot to do with owning your reactions to situations and not blaming others for your peace of mind. In other words, mind your own mind and not others.
You can’t control what people think, how they behave, or what words they choose to communicate. The only thing you can control is your actions, your words, and your mind. Taking ownership of your own reactions is a power few can corrupt.
Not making assumptions about what others are thinking comes from a place or power and strength.
When we make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking, we take it personally. Then we blame them and react negatively, sending our emotional baggage their way, all based on an imaginary story we assume they are having.
This is crazy-making. And a huge waste of emotional energy. We are literally dreaming things up that didn’t happen.
Making assumptions and then taking them personally is the beginning of hell in this world. Almost all of our conflicts are based on this, and it’s easy to understand why. — don Miguel Ruiz
When someone doesn’t call us back or respond to a text immediately, and we start making up wild theories about why they haven’t returned our call or answered a text, this causes emotional tail spinning and rumination — thoughts that aren’t true.
Yes, it is rude not to get a response. But that is usually all it is. It has to do with the other person, not you.
When a friend of mine doesn’t text me back, and I assume she is mad at me when really, she is just busy, this causes unnecessary negative thinking on my part. Usually, when I release the initial thought based on an assumption, I get a text from her saying, “so sorry, I was busy doing…”
When we make an assumption, we swear they are real, when our assumptions, most likely, are inaccurate.
If you want to know, ask.
Why do we do this?
It comes from a place of arrogance and selfishness — and what we are not getting.
We believe everything has to do with us, it doesn’t.
You would be surprised how little people are thinking about you and mulling over in their minds what you did, what you said, why you did it, and why you said it.
They most likely aren’t concentrating on you but on them.
So often, in relationships — especially long-term relationships — we make the assumption that our partners know what we think so we don’t have to tell them what we want.
I witnessed this first hand growing up. I often heard my Mom say to me Dad, “I’m not a mind reader; you need to tell me that is what you want.”
We assume our partner will do what we want because they know us so well, then they don’t — because they can’t read our thoughts — and we are the ones who are hurt, “You should have known.”
Don’t put that on your partner.
Use your words. Tell them what you want, how you feel, what you are thinking. This way, no one has to assume.
Many times after people get married, they are disappointed because their needs are not being met, yet they never had a conversation with their partner about what they want marriage to look like. Once the knot is tied, they assume everything will fall into place.
Without verbal contracts, it will not.
Because you can’t read other people’s thoughts, you only know what you’re thinking, what you want, how the perfect marriage looks like to you.
Making assumptions causes misunderstandings and a lot of difficulties with people we love. This causes unnecessary drama and chaos between our loved ones and us.
- Be aware and mindful of when you make an assumption. If you aren’t aware you are making one, you won’t be able to stop the thought process.
- Instead of making an assumption, ask. Ask questions. Make sure your communication with your partner is clear. If you don’t understand something, ask. Once you hear the answer, you will know the truth. This can lead to difficult conversations, but it is better to understand those people in your life instead of prescribing to them what they are thinking. Ask for clarification, this will clear up a lot of misunderstanding
- Seek the truth from friends and family when you are wondering about something they did or said. However, be ready for the truth when you ask it. When we don’t understand the truth, we often start to defend and try to make others wrong, this causes unnecessary drama, and you are just asking for problems.
- Practice healthy communication. Communication is the key to healthy relationships. When you can communicate openly with friends and family, fewer misunderstandings happen.
How this agreement will shift your life:
When we stop making assumptions, we stop overanalyzing situations and negative thought patterns, and we start understanding the truth.
With clear communication, we become impeccable with our word, and all of our relationships begin to change.
Once we know the truth, we can make better decisions.
Deal in truth, don’t deal in assumptions. It is empowering to deal with reality and not hide from the truth. When we hide from the truth, it shows up in other areas of our lives with those we love, bringing with it negativity and unnecessary drama.
Ruiz believes, “Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them.”
By making just this one agreement a habit and understanding its importance, your life will transform.
Practicing it over and over again with those you love will strengthen your will, and magic will happen. “This is the path to personal freedom.” Your mind will be free from that drama that was never a reality in the first place.
Not taking anything personally gives you immunity in the interaction that you have with other people, and not making assumptions gives you immunity in the interaction that you have with yourself, with your voice of knowledge, or what we call thinking.
This article is the third in a series for Publishous that started with an article I wrote called The One Book That Will Change Your Life: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by don Miguel Ruiz.
Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering Type A personality. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats
