One Fortunate Ghost: Chapter Two

Post mortems…

Brad found it impossible to sleep after the show, staring at the large clock on the wall, a must-buy statement that Allie had to have. The ticking wasn’t the problem. In fact if anything it was a bonus as it had a calming effect on both of them at the end of most days.

But not tonight!

Sleep eluded him.

He lay, wide awake, the minutes and hours ticking slowly by, as he relived Allie’s performance. Strangely enough he could recall almost all of it, and he marveled at his wife’s hidden talents, her amazing polish, and at the spellbinding ability she had demonstrated to respond smoothly to challenges she couldn’t have seen coming, to be in command in the face of confrontation, and to take a hushed crowd to where she was beckoning.

She was a true artist.

It hurt to realize how badly he had judged her. Moreover he was ashamed by the way he had tightened the ties of his own insecurities and limitations, and hidden behind his shame of what he perceived her performance might be. How he had compromised her, and how far off the mark could he possibly have been?

The truth is, Brad had never wanted to know. Being kept in the dark, allowed him not to have to think about what his mind imagined he would have to face, and so he had deliberately not discussed things with her, asked no questions about how everything was progressing, and left her to make her own plans, to make decisions that she once would have discussed freely with him.

What a pathetic parcel of a human being he was!

Worse still, he wondered how he could he ever make amends, and somehow plant flowers in the barren ground of yesterday. BUT, today was a new dawn, and if there was to be any hope for healing, somehow, he must give it his best shot.

Three o’clock, three-fifteen, three-nineteen…he groaned, realizing that tired as he felt, rest would not be coming his way, so he gently crept from his sheets, and padded quietly to his study. If he couldn’t sleep, he might as well do something proactive.

It was his screensaver quote that really jogged his conscience. A friend at work had sent it to him, and now he realized then that it contained a message for him, one he hadn’t understood at the time.

‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone,’ a quote by Neale Donald Walsch, an American writer.

His ‘comfort zone’…the truth was that Brad had always lived his life, safely tucked up in, and content in that same zone, whispering to himself the assurance that this was where he belonged…in which case, he wondered, how on earth he and Allie had ever found common ground, let alone fallen in love.

But somehow they had. She was everything he had ever needed. The truth was that he had married her knowing that it would be a rocky ride, but at the same time he also feared that life without her would have been bleak and unbearable. Once you have experienced real love, he told himself, the other side is a wilderness. With her was where he belonged.

So now, if his relationship were to be truly fixed, no not fixed, IMPROVED ON, he would just damned well have to do the hard yards. He and Allie had always considered themselves to be the greatest of friends, which was when things were going along swimmingly, but that would no longer be enough.

Brad thought it was nothing short of amazing that two compatible people could possibly find each other in the vast world in which we live, and with the odds set against them, that any two people might find their perfect match. And yet they had, in which case he was determined to capitalize on the coincidence, and make the rest of their lives, extraordinary.

After staring at the screen for a while, he decided that work would come no easier than sleep, so he tiptoed to the kitchen where he busied himself instead, preparing coffee for brewing, and later, an inspired much later, setting the table in a way he would not normally have thought about.

But something was missing. This was meant to be a special breakfast…what would Allie have done? Suddenly he was even more inspired.

Rain was pelting down from a heavy gray sky, one that assured him not to get his hopes up for an early ending, in which case he’d thrown caution to the wind and ducked down to the local French patisserie to buy some freshly-baked croissants.

Allie loved their croissants, the flour and butter both sourced from Holland by Daan, the Dutch chef, who assured everyone that they were the two ingredients that separated his baking from the other patisseries around.

Allie had once declared that they were far superior, and well worth the added expense, and this was surely a time for tossing frugality.

The blustery wind was fierce, the zigzagging of lightning and the roar of thunder setting his nerves on edge. No matter, some things were more important than the threatening weather patterns.

The flowers just happened to catch his eye.

The florist’s shop next door, an always-bustling business, was one of Allie’s favorites, such that she now had a running account with them for those occasions when she needed something special for a home she was preparing for a quick sale.

Doesn’t every prima donna deserve flowers? he asked himself, as the rain click, click, clacked on his umbrella.

It wasn’t even a question he should have been asking, and so impulsively he’d bought them, not a standard love pack of red roses, but a gypsy bridal bouquet, not that he’d have known…the label was the give away, and he only realized his serendipitous purchase when he got home. A happy accident at work yet again!

“Well somebody’s a lucky lady,” the florist had commented. “I hope this is a super-special occasion, for between these flowers and those few croissants that I see you have tucked under your armpits, she has now cost you a king’s ransom.”

Brad smiled wryly but said nothing. Some things are beyond sharing. It WAS an occasion, but special? Only time would tell.

Back home he’d carefully arranged them in a tall silver tea urn that had belonged to his grandmother, after carefully polishing it so that it shone just enough to bring out the delicate filigree, but still left the charm of its antiquity intact.

And standing back to appraise his arrangement, he was delighted by how the bouquet naturally spilled over the edges and trailed along the table…except that, it took up much of the center space, maybe too much, so instead he angled the vase carefully in one corner, leaving just enough space to allow him to intimately re-lay the rest of the table, just before Allie sauntered in.

“Wow!” she said, between yawns. “Wow! Looks like you’re expecting company, special company at that. And maybe you’re in the wrong job Brad. Those flowers look absolutely spectacular. So…ARE you expecting somebody?” she asked, dramatically swirling around to face him.

“Expecting? No! Hoping? Yes,” he answered quietly, nervously fiddling with the two napkins he gripped in his hands.

“Anyone I know by any chance?”

“Someone you know better than I do. She’s a class act, even under duress. Coffee?” he asked, deliberately changing the subject.

“Well, if the coffee is as good as it smells, or as superb as your flower-arranging skills, why not? Thank you. Am I allowed to sit, or is your class act arriving soon?”

The banter ceased and he turned, looking sheepishly at her, coffee pot raised in the air.

“YOU are my class act Allie, one that in a million years I don’t deserve. I just wanted you to know how impressed I was last night, but I especially wanted to try to make up for my pigheadedness. I’m thinking we’re probably a complementary pair…one, a class act and the other a class idiot. I loved the show to be honest,” he added shyly as he struggled with his fingers to toss back the black wet curls that determinedly fell over his earnest dark eyes.

“Really? Well I never! What exactly did you like?” she asked, seating herself on the edge of the nearest chair, eyes averted as she nonchalantly fiddled with the tendrils of trailing greenery that spilled randomly over the table.

The tension was suddenly palpable, evidence that there was a huge amount of spadework to be done on his part, BEFORE he even thought about rebuilding their relationship. A gut-wrenching change in his attitude was necessary if there was any hope in moving forward. He knew he had to choose his words carefully, very carefully!

Looking at her uncertainly, his body language tense in his struggle to adequately answer her question, he realized how important it was to frame his answer with a deep sense of humility. But at last he spoke, struggling at times, but determined to speak the truth.

“What can I say? I was amazed by your poise, your unflappable presence, your quick-wit, your spot on preparedness, your polish…and lots more that I don’t have words for right now. I have to confess, it was a pretty special show. It just wasn’t what I expected.”

“Sounds like another day at the office for me. SO”, she strung out, “if it wasn’t what you’d anticipated, what DID you expect?”

There was a pregnant pause in the conversation, the awkward hiatus punctuated by the determined sounds of thunder, lightning, and wind, while Brad, still so unsure of where he stood, dared not chance stepping out of line, so it was Allie who continued.

“Let’s see if I can get close…help you out a little”, she said dramatically, her eyes flashing dangerously, “something tawdry…maybe slapped together and tenuously secured with good costuming and lights…some bawdy show good enough for a Christmas bash for a bunch of inebriated architects?

“Tell me Brad. Am I on the money?”

“Pretty much…I’m sorry. I seriously underestimated you, not to mention Lizzie. I should have known better.”

“Yes you did and you should. I could have told you this yesterday. I knew exactly what you were expecting. You did offer coffee, didn’t you?” she asked, deliberately blunting the conversation, her face showing little of what she was most likely imagining. “I could certainly use a cup or three.

“You know,” she said, standing up to face Brad, “of all the people at the show, “YOU…you were the only one who couldn’t loosen up, the ONLY ONE, and I know there were some pretty strait-laced people there.

“It was all about you, Brad, how you were feeling, what people would say if they found out the truth, thinking people would be wondering how you could be married to a woman who had sunk to the murky abyss of fortune-telling. You were worried about how you could possibly get over your shame and face your colleagues the next day, and into the future. Why is that? Tell me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I asked you a question, not for an apology, but lets’ move on and allow me to present a scenario. If I go in to the office on Monday morning to thank everyone for participating so well in my show, and thereby reveal myself, would you be cool with that?”

Suddenly the room felt hot and oppressive with Brad returning the coffee pot to the stand, caught in his own ignominy and shame. No words came, the reality being that he was still stuck at first base. And for a while no words were spoken, no truths spilled out, and the corner that Brad thought he had turned was now peppered with steel-sharp edges. With his hands supporting his head, elbows resting on the window ledge, he felt as trapped as a bear in a pit.

“No need to answer. You’re sorry because you’ve now reached the conclusion that you should have been able to trust me, to know that, whatever I chose to do would be a polished, stand-out performance, and not something cobbled together with some bubblegum, or a failed batch of superglue. How long have we known each other? You know as well as I, that I put an enormous amount of effort into whatever I do, and that’s something you should have kept in mind.

“You should have, but you didn’t!”

By this time Allie too was breathing heavily, not the labored breathing that comes with anger, but with despair, and the realization that the man who she knew she would move heaven and earth for, didn’t reciprocate in quite the same way. And suddenly the enormity of that conclusion threatened to squeeze the life out of any confidence she had felt about her show.

“So where does that leave us? You are ashamed of what I am trying to do. Have you any idea about the level of difficulty you created for me when you refused to discuss the show, right up till the actual day? You quadrupled the energy I had to find in order to believe in myself. I knew what I was trying to do, and you didn’t. You remained blissfully ignorant because that was the space that you felt comfortable in. Do you have ANY idea what that felt like?”

“I am so sorry.”

“But you’re not Brad. You still don’t want me involved in what you see as garish, low-level shows. You know that you misjudged me, but nothing’s changed. You’re still at first-base wondering when the ball is going to be bowled.

“Do I have any say in this life we share, or must I continue in a job that, to be honest, I’m a little ashamed about being part of? Look around Brad. I know that I heavied you into this neat piece of real estate that we share, and we’ve made a huge amount of money on it, but it’s come at a cost. How many couples our age enjoy this kind of living?”

“Some do.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake…most of those have inherited the money, and not through their hard graft and determination. And, it’s often how other billionaires make their fortunes. No prizes for guessing the tactics they use.

“You know, when we bought this house I was inspired to work 24-hour days, selling, not just for the people who entrusted me with their homes, but so that I could indulge the acquisitive side of my nature, and I did. Whatever it took I did it.

”But it hasn’t made me happy. Oh I love…no, no, I LOVED all the trappings of success, my expensive furnishings, the paintings, fine china, and all the other items that support the notion of success, stylish clothes and shoes that would make our grandmothers cringe at the cost. But as I said, it hasn’t made me happy. Instead I’m stricken with guilt, because people come to me knowing I can deliver, and I can and I do.

“The thing is this. I’m ashamed to admit that for all their trust, I still charge obscene amounts of money for my services regardless of the effort I put in. It’s why I have come to the end of my tether. I don’t want to do it any longer. I don’t want to go to bed at night knowing that I charged over-the-top rates so that I can benefit…put more crudely, so that I can parade my wealth.”

Brad wanted to say something, anything to fill in the uncomfortable, awkward silence that had now set up home between them. There was a time when he would have seen silence as something of an art form, but this was a different quiet, and no matter what he said, he knew it would be akin to jumping into a vat full of deadly poison, and hoping to survive.

Allie sucked in her breath and continued, realizing that now was as good a time as any to lay things bare on the table.

“I,” she began, “have now chosen to earn my living, with sincerity, with good intent, and, (though you have an issue with this), with absolute anonymity, hence my costuming. I have my reasons for doing so, but mostly it’s to prove that I can be effective this way. You don’t understand that and I am not surprised, but in time I hope it will all make sense. You saw a relatively-raw version of me last night, and you say you were impressed.”

“I was.”

“So that being the case, right now, it would be nice if I could enjoy your ongoing, tacit support.”

“You have it.”

“If only it were that easy Brad. I don’t. You are still on tenterhooks about what I do. You will always be looking over your shoulder, anxious about being found out, about being associated with a ne’er-do-well.

“Let me tell you something. YOU are not doing anything to be ‘found out’. This is MY life. I don’t put caveats on how you play out your life, do I?”

“I was going to say no, that you didn’t, but if this is going to be about being totally honest with each other, I have to say that you did. I never wanted to move here. You know that. But I did it for you. I thought it was what would make you happy, so I went along with that. I don’t deny that easy access to facilities makes for comfortable living, nor do I dispute my appreciation for what YOU have achieved in restoring this house, but I would have been just as happy on the fringe of the bush to be honest. I think you already know that.”

“So, as I said before, where does that leave us?”

“What’s that children’s book about a mother loving her kid to the moon and back?”

“I have no idea.”

“It’s about a mother explaining to her child, the extent of her love. I want to say the same about my love for you. That remains unchanged. Whether you can accept me with all my warts is a whole other issue. To be frank Allie, I’m like one of those sieves with holes that let water drain out. In my case the water is confidence. One dent in my confidence and the floodgates are opened and I am reduced to a shrivelled version of myself. I wonder how many times, how many issues will surface for us from now on, before you say enough is enough.”

Brad’s childhood insecurities had largely been shaped by his father’s attitude towards him…why couldn’t he be like his sister…or why did he only come second in the race…why did he only get a silver medal…why did Jacob Oliver always come first in breast stroke…just little jibes, not deliberately cruel, but forceful enough to serve as a slow-puncture in his confidence, a wound that had never quite scabbed over.

He knew his dad had meant no harm, his attitude likely little more than a reflection of his personal unhappiness at the time. Brad was still young when his parents split up, but not too young for his bottom line, the very cornerstone of his confidence to have been irrevocably damaged, and the negative view he often had of himself, to have been cemented forever, into his psyche.

Unfortunately much of this came back to haunt him at times, pessimistic voices, dark clouds that hovered over his life, ever-threatening, so that he was forever judging, not so much himself, but how others perceived him. Today more than ever, he began to understand the aspects of his childhood that had left indelible marks on him, leaving him unable to appreciate his natural abilities. Now it all made sense.

“I was actually thinking about how secure your childhood must have been compared to mine,” he suggested quietly.

“Why do you say that?”

“Well you tell me. Why is it that you are you so confident, so connected to people, and why do you have such an incredible belief in yourself? If you want to do something you just step forward and make it happen. There’s no room for fear, or for people judging you. You just step up to the plate and do it. I mean, even if your cover had been blown last night, or if something had gone wrong, you would have found a way to laugh about it, as would Lizzie, and I, on the other hand, would have been ducking for cover. We are so terribly different.”

“You’re right Brad. It’s exactly how you’d have been, and yet, not a soul would have been judging you. They were having fun! Anyway, why should YOU worry about something like that? I just don’t understand you. You have an amazing ability to affirm me and make me feel that there’s nothing in life that I can’t do, give or take being a fortune teller,” she mumbled, “yet you are seemingly unable to talk yourself up in the same way.

“And as for me, I’m not sure that I am confident. Like everyone else on the planet I have doubts from time to time. The difference with me is that I just make sure that I am as prepared as I possibly can be for what I choose to do…or maybe I’m just fortunate enough to have luck on my side. Take your pick Brad.”

“See I don’t think it works quite like that. What attributes did your parents have, ones that they passed on to you, that made you the person you are?”

“Well you know them as well as I do.”

“Clearly I don’t.”

“One thing I really respect them for is that they chose to see the best in things, to be positive even in the face of adversity.”

“Well that’s not easy to do.”

“It’s a choice Brad. You could look at the nightly news and decide, like Chicken Licken, that the sky has fallen and that there’s no point in going on living.”

“And sometimes that’s exactly how I feel.”

“Well now, the ball’s entirely in your court there. You need to find ways to turn your thinking around.”

“I know you’re right, but how?”

“You could stop the blame game first up. You’re a grown man, a successful professional who is highly-regarded, so you need to stop wimping out about the road ahead of you. Garner some courage, be grateful for all you have, and be prepared for a destination that will blow your mind. Drink a dose of motivation every day before you do anything else, and watch things change.

“I’m not suggesting for a moment that you don’t appreciate things in life, but deliberately expressing gratitude for what you have, as opposed to what you don’t have, is probably the neatest cornerstone for confidence. How many disasters have you personally experienced in the last month or so?”

“None.”

“Correct, and that’s factoring in last night. YET, the media would have you believe that we’re facing the end of the world. Bad news sells. You should know that. And sadly, too many of us are keyed into it!

“So maybe my childhood was special. I hadn’t really thought about it until now. ‘Choose happiness,’ my dad used to say, ‘It’s the one emotion that will keep your head above the water, keep you positive when all around you are steeped in misery. If somebody’s not happy, give them a punt up. You never have to apologise for being on top of the world.’ I kind of liked that attitude…thought it was normal actually.”

“Well you were lucky I’d say.”

“Don’t get me wrong Brad. It wasn’t always a picnic at our place. As parents they never pandered to me. If I wanted to do something, they would open the doors to allow it to happen, IF, they felt it was appropriate, and if things didn’t go my way they’d tell me just to get over it, that it was what it was. So there was no point in adopting a woe-is-me attitude. I didn’t have an audience!”

“I don’t recall any of that. I was always felt a notch away from approval. It doesn’t exactly fill a kid with confidence.”

“Well, it’s hard to model happiness while your relationship is falling apart. But hey Brad, that was a long time ago. Deal with it and move on. Your life is with me, and I’m damned if I’m going to stand by and allow you to wallow in the dips of your past. You need to step up to the plate and challenge yourself, every day if need be. Take things one day at a time, just small steps, till one day you realise you’ve crossed the Niagara Falls. You can do this.

“It’s raining today, but it doesn’t rain forever. Nor did the weather stop you ducking out for flowers and croissants, even though you knew you’d get soaked. It’s the same with your lack of self-esteem. You can hide behind it or you can punch those demons into the never-never. Give yourself a chance to live in the present, rather than being pelted by the past. You only get one chance in life…no coming back for encores…or didn’t anybody tell you that?”

Up till that day Allie had had no real idea of Brad’s deep insecurities. His quiet sense of humor had been one of his most attractive attributes, his gentleness, his professionalism and attention to detail, another two. The notion that he struggled to stay afloat on a personal level had never really occurred to her.

“Today is a new day,” she said gently, “a different journey, and together we can build on things. Who was it who talked about confidence being a muscle?”

“No idea, but I like it.”

“The last part of the saying is that the more you use it, the stronger it gets. You are one of the best architects I know. If we wanted we could be a team, you designing and me selling. It would work, but it would come at huge cost. It’s not what either of us wants. We’re two very different people who enjoy contrasting work environments. Working independently and in different fields, suits us better.

“However, that’s not the end of the story. I’m well aware that one stupid mistake, made by me, has opened up chasms in our relationship that neither of us really knew were there. Maybe we each have to work harder on who we are. If we just go on as before, using the same building materials, ignoring the threatening cracks and fissures in our relationship, bet your bottom dollar, we will end up back in square one, and stuck there, dare I say?

“So, if we are to succeed as a couple, you have to allow me to see where my talents might take me. I know you are proud of me as a Real Estate agent, and I am grateful for your support, but now my focus has changed. I want to be able to help people in a different way, and I know that I can. I may have elected to do it through a medium that you can’t understand, and that may well change. The fortune telling was just one of my nutty brainwaves for doing it with a little protection, but for the moment it is what it is and I ask for nothing more than acceptance from you.

“Hey, and I’ll tell you this. If I can raise the status of my new profession, for want of a better term, believe me, I will. With all my imperfections and some steep learning, I know I will make a difference.