One Big Problem That Hurts Your Relationships (That I Learned From 7+ Years of Airbnb)
How to improve your communication skills.
Since 2014, I’ve stayed in over 40 different Airbnbs, spanning many different countries and continents.
Not only that, but I’ve also done thousands of hours of research, sifting through countless properties and scanning reviews with a fine-tooth comb to find the right place for my stay. Even then, I’ve still gained a few disaster stories to tell.
But time and time again, I’ve noticed that (some) people have a curious character flaw that can hold them back in so many important areas of their life.
I’ll give you a simple example I see on a regular basis:
Let’s say you stay at an Airbnb and you find out that the air conditioning doesn’t work for some reason. Damn. So you sweat it out for several days and nights.
Then, when it’s time to write your review after you leave your Airbnb, you mention that the air conditioning doesn’t work.
But here’s the funny thing: The host will respond to your review and say something like, “The air conditioning does work! You should’ve let us know and we could’ve showed you how to turn it on!”
Double damn!!
A ridiculously large percentage of all negative Airbnb reviews are like this.
The guest had some kind of issue (a slow drain in the shower, some missing essentials in the home, etc.), but rather than notifying the host and saying something (anything!), they just kept quiet and held onto it until it was time to leave — and then they ultimately left a bad review.
I find this behavior stupefying.
And even more interestingly, this is a microcosm of life.
Some people are chronically passive. They’re not even passive-aggressive.
When there are problems in their lives, they don’t say anything. They just turn a blind eye to it, ignore it, accept it (even though it’s fixable), or hope that it magically gets better.
The problems with this approach are threefold.
1. All these silent martyrs are doing is making themselves more upset and resentful.
Every day that the problem continues is just another day that they feel like crap.
(That, by the way, sounds like a lot of people who hate their jobs.)
2. They completely lose out on the possibility of making it better.
By actually saying something (anything!), they could give the other person an opportunity to address it, explain it, or fix it.
The vast majority of Airbnb hosts are thrilled when you tell them that something is broken. After all, they don’t live there — so how would they know?
They rely on the guests to be transparent.
For example, if an important lightbulb burns out, they’ll be there as soon as they can to bring a new lightbulb and replace it. If a blow dryer breaks, they’ll show up at the doorstep with a brand new blow dryer. If the air conditioning makes loud noises, they’ll bring a repairman over to check it and fix it. (All of these things have happened to me.)
That’s literally what they’re there for.
And yeah, some hosts take a more laissez-faire attitude and won’t be very responsive. But even then, you lose nothing at all by asking.
3. Mistakes have a way of getting misattributed.
If there’s a problem and you don’t report it (or you wait too long), there is a possibility that it can make you look bad. Rather than being an innocent bystander and absolving yourself from any wrongdoing, you put yourself in a situation where you could be the target.
Whenever there’s something wrong with an Airbnb, I let the host know immediately. I never wait. Waiting never makes the situation better; it only makes it worse. And I don’t want to get blamed for breaking something that was broken when I got there.
The same thing can be said in life.
I have very, very few regrets in life (thankfully). The only moments I’ve ever truly regretted are when I didn’t say something when I had the chance.
When there was a problem, issue, challenge, etc., I didn’t speak up and let other people know.
When there was someone being cruel, unfair, abusive, etc., I didn’t say something to stand up for myself.
Instead, I just bottled it up, accepted it, and let it fester inside.
I let it happen far too many times in my life — and each time, I felt so disappointed and frustrated with myself.
For example, I’ve worked with a client where I had issues with certain members of their team. (To be blunt, some of the client’s own employees were actively impairing the project.)
I deeply regret that I never told my client about this. I had a hundred reasons not to speak up. I told myself it wasn’t that important. I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble.
In hindsight, I should’ve let the client know that people on their team were interfering with me and my ability to perform my duties.
And just as importantly, I should’ve been willing to walk away from the project because of this.
In other words, I should’ve been willing to uphold my values no matter what. By saying something, I would have — at the very least — increased the odds of finding a better solution to the situation.
In the end, the project wasn’t as great as it could’ve been (surprise, surprise) and we ended up parting ways at the conclusion of our terms. The client never realized what the problem really was.
Some people will tell you that you shouldn’t say these things.
Some believe that it’s easier to keep your mouth shut. Don’t make waves, keep your head down, keep your clients or your coworkers happy.
But guess what?
The people who tell you this are also passive and they’re just projecting their fears and beliefs onto you.
The question you should ask is not “what would they do?”
The question you should ask is “what should you do based on who you want to be and what your values are?”
Nowadays, I say everything immediately. I’m open about any problems I have with coworkers, friends, family, as well as strangers or service providers.
Even if I know that they cannot do anything about it right now, I will still say something. Why? Because that’s who I want to be.
And even if they don’t like it, at least they’ll know there will never be any uncertainty about how I feel. I’ll always be honest.
But this requires some vulnerability on my end.
When I complain about things, I have to stay open to the possibility that I’m wrong. I have to be willing to accept that maybe I misunderstood the situation. But that’s the beauty of actually speaking up — you give yourself that opportunity to be “corrected,” which can help you in many ways.
You might be wondering… what if they don’t handle your communication well and actually make things worse?
That’s definitely a possibility. But to me, it doesn’t matter what they do; what matters to me is what I do.
When I speak up, at least I put it out there, and more importantly, they are now aware of the situation too.
If they decide to be obnoxious and actually make things worse, that says everything about who they are and absolutely nothing about who I am.
What are things in your life that you want to say something about? Maybe there’s an issue in one of your relationships/friendships? Maybe you have an issue at work? Maybe some service you’re using just isn’t doing a good job?
Whatever it is, take action. Don’t just bottle it up until you explode like Krakatoa.
Be considerate, ask if you can talk to them one-on-one. Politely tell them about the situation and how you feel.
More times than not, they will respond well and give you an opportunity to help create a solution.
And if not? Then good riddance. Perhaps most importantly of all, by doing this, you’ll know who your true friends really are.
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