Once More with Feeling: What I’ve Learned After Meditating for Over Half My Life

I first started meditating when I was 12 years old. At that time, I always thought that life was out to ‘get me’. I never truly felt settled, particularly in school. I was never bullied, but I did feel pressure to be wary of my words or what I did, as it would not be met with the most understanding of companies.

I never struggled in school, I just daydreamed a lot and then would rely on my friends to give me the breakdown when I finally decided to return back to reality. I enjoyed Drama, I always loved characters with complex depths to them, but everything else I just felt numb towards.

Following my less than stellar English exam results when I was 12 years old, I was enrolled in extracurricular English lessons, outside of school. The idea of having to attend an hour of ‘school’ on my Sunday did not sit well with me. I resented my parents or whoever would drive me there every week, but there was one moment I always looked forward to meditation.

The Calm after the Storm

I remember entering my English lesson flustered and angry. I really didn’t want to be there. I wanted what was left of my weekend, not remind myself of the school week ahead.

My teacher saw this. She could sense I was ‘off’. So she sat me down, told me to close my eyes, and focus on my breathing.

Within moments I already felt better.

I was told to visualize myself lying on a giant lilypad, relaxing on a calm lake.

Initially, I was skeptical, like any near-teenager my age would be. What the Hell was this? What was this going to achieve? This is so stupid! I thought.

The more and more lessons I had, the lesser my skepticism became.

After some time, meditation had eroded the hard rock that was my ego. It had awoken a new way of experiencing life, a far more abundant and expansive one than I could fathom.

I would almost look forward to these lessons, just because of this little calming exercise, which turned out to be the most serene calm I’d feel for that week.

Me being the daydreamer that I am, visualization has always come easily to me, and the more receptive I became to mediation and the journey my teacher would take me on, the stronger and more profound my response.

The exercise continued where I would imagine myself having an out-of-body experience. When I had reached a calm state, I noticed that the meditation felt as real as the words I’m typing on this keyboard.

I had expanded beyond my human dimensions, beyond the lake, beyond the country and now beyond the world. I had gone beyond myself.

There was more to meditation than just calming down and much more I had to uncover.

Letting Go

“The painful thing is that when we buy into disapproval, we are practicing disapproval. When we buy into harshness, we are practicing harshness. The more we do it, the stronger these qualities become. How sad it is that we become so expert at causing harm to ourselves and others. The trick then is to practice gentleness and letting go. We can learn to meet whatever arises with curiosity and not make it such a big deal.”

— Pema Chodron

The reason why I think meditation works is because it has helped me to exercise my ‘let-go muscle’.

At its core, meditation is a feeling exercise.

The more I can feel myself letting go in meditation, the freer I feel to be myself in everyday life.

It’s a practice game. The more I do, the better I become.

Letting go is a transferrable skill. The more I can let go of a bad day, bad thoughts, or resistance to a truth that I’m not yet ready to confront, the more frequent I find myself reaching a flow state.

Meditating isn’t about opening and striving to achieve my best self, it’s about letting go of the things that pull me down so that I can fully realize myself.

I liken it to a hot air balloon, letting go of the heavy anchor that keeps me from soaring. Whether it’s people, baggage, memories or fears that have been holding me back, if they do not serve me nor who I aspire to be, then I make a point to not pack it as my luggage.

We all have the ability to access and be our best selves once we let go of the things that go against our natural vibes.

Meditation has helped me access this. When I go a few days without meditating, I really feel it. I’m ‘off my game’. I’m more pessimistic and closed-minded, I dwell more and am resentful towards life.

I’m human. I’ll have these days from time to time, but I do not stay there.

Returning Home

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place”

— Paulo Coelho

When I return to my true self I make way for the person I want to be to enter. Holding onto the pain of the past means bringing it into my future.

Even on my bad days, meditation has brought me a calmness that I have not experienced elsewhere.

The storms of life have a way of testing us, tempting us to sway off our path, but when the right anchors are set in place, new possibilities begin to open.

Find what brings out the best in you, then fully let go into it.

Every day brings a new beginning.

Start again, once more…with feeling.

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