Self | Family
On the Regrets of Being a Parent
There isn’t always a perfect answer on whether to go through with having a child.
I’m in the peculiar position of being the only man in my social group who hasn’t had a child. I’m 40 and in a long-term relationship. Most of my friends are around the same age and in the same arrangement.
A few months back, I was at a nice beach resort in eastern Florida with a couple of friends. They have two kids, ages three and five. The husband, my long-time friend Steven, and I were in the resort pool, which was bustling and packed with adults having drinks. Out of genuine concern, he was pressing me about not having children. He said, “Don’t you worry you’ll turn 60 and wonder what else there is to life?”
“Perhaps,” I said with a shrug, “It’s still possible I’ll give in and have a kid. But it feels weird to act on such a consequential decision out of regret avoidance?”
And it was interesting because Steven and his wife, just 10 minutes into this conversation, emphasized a conflicting view. Steven said, “There are days when I’ve thought that having kids isn’t really worth it.’”
His wife chimed in and said, “I wouldn’t go that far.” Which put Steven on the defensive. She then added, “But it’s very hard. I wouldn’t recommend having kids unless you are completely sure. Even if you are only 75% sure, I wouldn’t do it.”
They are in the thick of it, with small children who are running them into the ground. To their credit, they are trying to be all-star parents, doing everything they are supposed to, being hands-on, reading them books, taking them to school, and feeding them healthy foods. I’m sure there are more slack versions of parenting they could have pursued.
The parenting decision still nags at me a bit, but I lean away from having kids as it stands. I’ve come to covet my free time, sleep, and financial security so much that it’s hard to imagine going in the hole for 18 years.
During that same conversation, I iterated to Steven, “I don’t know. The whole have-a-kid thing just isn’t passing some mental test in my mind. There’s a sort of psychological wall that tells me not to proceed, a powerful gut feeling.”
What kills me is that there’s no halfway on having a kid. You can’t send it back. Once you get on that wagon, it’s happening, and if you are ethical, you’ll ride it out and stay true to your commitment. That’s the part that gets me. It could be like getting locked into a really long, arduous movie that charges you by the hour and there’s no leaving early.
It’s entirely possible I’ll regret not having kids if I don’t. But, as my therapist once told me — there are always regrets. Each path brings them, and parenting surely does too.
The data on parenting regret
With parents, a small but significant number of them outright regret having children. Per a 2023 study led by psychologist, Dr. Konrad Piotrowski, parental regret in developed countries ranges between 5–13%. Specifically, their answer to a question about how many children they’d have if they did it again was, “Zero.”
Of note, Piotrowski’s team found significant variance in the severity of regret, with higher severity being correlated to lower life satisfaction, and higher parental burnout. Having financial difficulties, unsurprisingly, was correlated to much higher rates of parental regret. And, sadly, higher rates of parental burnout and resentment are tied to higher rates of child abuse and neglect.
It’s clear that I sit in a position of luxury, having the choice to have a child or not, which is one of the keys to reducing parental regret. Giving mothers reproductive rights and access to birth control and abortions, in particular, can help immensely. Mothers who are forced to have children due to abortion denial report being much less happy and have more trouble bonding with their children. The outcomes for both parent and child skew far worse.
To be clear — there are many, many happy parents. I’ve had friends who say having a child was the best thing that ever happened to them. One friend said, “It’s a lot of joy. But not a lot of fun.” Another peer, who is a new dad, said, “After having a kid, it felt like everything else I’d done in life was stupid.” He meant this in an endearing way, showing how it put what was important in perspective.
But he also expressed the same conflicting opinions about his sanity being tested constantly and how his fatigue was crushing at times.
Paternal regret and its origins
Israeli sociologist Orna Donath, author of Regretting Motherhood: A Study, found a recurring source of parental regret. During her research, she interviewed ten fathers who regretted becoming parents. Eight of the ten said they never wanted to be a father but did so to appease a partner. This data reflects both ways too. Mothers who were pressured by a partner to have children reported much higher levels of regret and unhappiness.
I don’t share these studies to comfort my anxiety about potentially regretting being childless. The truth is — there’s no way to know for sure. I’ve seen data going both ways. My partner, Laura, has a therapist who routinely brings up parenting and whether to have kids. The reason? Because many of her clients expressing regret over having children and not having them.
The fact remains that it’s a luxury for me to choose whether or not to have children. Access to birth control, being a male and not under extreme societal pressure, as some women are in the world, has afforded me the ability to opt in or out. And perhaps that’s the most important thing to realize for those considering being a parent: you have the choice. Exercise that choice in one way or another, and appreciate the autonomy you posses in that process.
I had a cleaning lady, Page, who came by every month and I got to know her quite well over the years. She openly expressed disdain for having children, saying, “They don’t appreciate all I do.” Her son was a particular menace, getting in constant legal trouble, and expecting her to bail him out. Her daughter was 19 and had two kids, who she was having to watch, while their mother partied on the weekends, leading to endless fights between Page and her daughter. Her case is surely an extreme example, but a scary enough one for those on the edge.
Research shows that having children does bring a dramatic drop in happiness and quality of life — at least for several years. Parenting often coincides with middle age, which is also a stressful and less happy time in life (hence the u-shaped curve of happiness being ascribed — with the happiest people tending to be young and older adults).
My parents are good, kind people, and they claim my sister and I are the best thing that ever happened to them. My mother said, “I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you two.”
But I watched how miserable they were at times, and the fights they had, which were in no small part caused by me and my sister’s antics, and the endless attention we demanded, our fighting with each other, and being carted around constantly to sports practice.
Most parents don’t overtly regret having children, but a sizable minority do. Having kids and raising them correctly isn’t for lightweights. So think long and hard before you do.
Ideally, we should live in a culture where we don’t criticize and shame those who choose not to have children. The world has enough problems because of parents who have children they don’t actually want. And to the parents who do raise their children, and do so correctly, you have my infinite respect. It is a heroic effort that is worthy of praise.