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Abstract

ys generally show that most people believe that breastfeeding is the healthiest way to feed a baby. It’s just that a lot of them also think it is something that should be done out of sight, in some private space where they can’t see it.</p><h2 id="f7d7">What are breasts for?</h2><p id="b9bf">We learn that our breasts primary function is not to feed our babies but to look attractive. Growing up what I learnt from television, media and my peers is that the ideal breasts are round, perk and displayed in a bikini. They are sexual objects for men to admire, and teenage boys to giggle about. As a woman I shouldn’t walk around topless, but I might be attractive if I wore shapely clothes to flatter them. I saw lots of media stories about women getting implants to enhance their breasts. The idea of plastic surgery never appealed to me, although I did sometimes worry that my breasts were small. Although as I got older realised the guys who liked me did not care much. However it was still the idea I was brought up with about the purpose of breasts. That, and that I ought to check them for lumps in case of breast cancer.</p><p id="0a2f">I knew about breastfeeding of course, just I don’t remember consciously thinking much about that being the purpose of my breasts. Now I wonder how many of the women on TV with breast implants were warned their implants might impact them in future if they wanted to breastfeed their future babies? Did any of them have issues or regrets later?</p><h2 id="00f4">Lack of experience of breastfeeding and babies</h2><p id="c562">Before I had a baby I do not remember noticing anyone breastfeeding a baby in public ever. This is probably due to not paying much attention to people with babies and being in my own world. But my experience of breastfeeding was about nil, and of babies in general very limited.</p><p id="688d">My experience of breastfeeding prior to having a baby was as follows:</p><ul><li>My siblings were breastfeed, so I must have seen them being fed, but I would have been 6 when the last one stopped so I don’t remember. However I clearly remember having a doll that I fed with a little plastic bottle.</li><li>I remember watching a television show with a joke about adults accidentally drinking breastmilk and how disgusting it was. Subsequent googling tells me this was probably <i>Friends</i>.</li><li>A few years ago I held a friend’s four month old baby for a while until the baby started rooting around at my breast and I handed her back to be fed. My friend must have felt self conscious feeding because she used a muslin to cover herself.</li></ul><p id="0c59">Apart from that I honestly can’t think of much. My adult life has involved very little interaction with babies, full stop. I am not alone in my lack of prior baby experience. A book I was reading recently cites a study that found that three quarters of women who weren’t mothers had no experience of holding a newborn baby and that only 20% of women had ever babysat a young baby. (Professor Amy Brown, ‘Breastfeeding Uncovered’ Pinter and Martin, 2016). This is a big problem for breastfeeding in public, because it means a large percentage of the population does not understand babies in general, let along breastfeeding.</p><h2 id="c228">Why don’t you cover up?</h2><p id="82f0">I had occasionally seen news stories about women breastfeeding in public. “Outraged mother in cafe asked to cover up” and similar. Reading this sort of article planted a seed that ‘breastfeeding in public’ was a thing to worry about. I didn’t pay that much attention, although I did support the women in the news stories. But to be honest I didn’t completely understand why it was such a big deal. I would see comments like could the mum not have fed the baby before she left? Could she have used a cover? Before I tried breastfeeding, I didn’t realise how problematic these ideas are.</p><p id="9827">When my baby was a few months old the airline KLM’s breastfeeding policy made the headlines. It said</p><blockquote id="3956"><p>Breastfeeding is permitted at KLM flights. However, to ensure that all our passengers of all backgrounds feel comfortable on board, we may request a mother to cover herself while breastfeeding, should other passengers be offended by this</p></blockquote><p id="e7f8">There is so much wrong with this. If I get a flight with my baby I am only “permitted” to feed them. Do they want breastfed babies to starve? It’s impossible to feed some babies under a cover. When mine was little I needed to see him to get him to latch. Other babies will object loudly if you try and cover them with a cloth.</p><p id="f0b9">I think the chances are that on the average flight the number of people annoyed by listening to a baby screaming with hunger, would be more than the number who are too sensit

Options

ive to cope with catching a glimpse of a woman’s breast?</p><p id="d688">Luckily in the six flights I have taken with my baby, I’ve never experienced any issues or comments breastfeeding. The time when I sat next to strangers went smoothly. In fact my baby spent most of his time trying to make eye contact with, and smiling, at the young woman next to me. (I found this more awkward than when I was feeding him).</p><p id="859e">“Being discreet” is not always easy. When I was in the restaurant it is not as if I was topless in the middle of the restaurant with a sign saying please look at me. I was sat in the corner, fully dressed just pulling up my t-shirt so my little one could latch on. Afterwards I angrily thought that perhaps next time I should stand on the table, take my top off and then breastfed while dancing. Except that I wouldn’t actually do that (and I’m not sure my acrobatic breastfeeding skills are that good).</p><h2 id="93e7">You should have fed the baby earlier</h2><p id="db72">One of the things the lady in the restaurant said to me, is why couldn’t you have feed him earlier? Because he was asleep then?</p><p id="bfea">Should a mum try and time her trips out around feeding a baby? The first problem is that most babies, especially young breastfed babies do not feed to a schedule. I often did feed my baby before going out. It is more convenient and comfortable to do so in my own house, and feeding before going out means I am less likely to need to feed him shortly after going out. But if I went out for a longer time, he would want fed. Also somedays he wants fed more often than not. Babies are not predictable. They also do not just feed because they are hungry, they may want the breast because they are thirsty, scared, cold, hot, teething or for unknown reasons.</p><p id="b6b0">The only way I could have avoided feeding my baby out and about was if I had hid away at home at all times with him. Is is right that mothers and babies should be hidden away? I expect some people think so.</p><h2 id="bb3c">Why are attitudes like this a problem?</h2><p id="4ae7">Attitudes like this are a big issue because they can stop women who want to breastfeed from breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is a public health issue. There’s lots of evidence that the more women breastfeed their babies, the healthier they will be (both women and babies) at a population level. (For example see: Victora et al (2016) <a href="https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(15)01024-7/fulltext">Breastfeeding in the 21st century: epidemiology, mechanisms, and lifelong effect.</a> Lancet 387 10017: 475–490). Where I live legislation gives me a legal right to breastfeed my baby in public because of this. Society should be supporting women out and about breastfeeding their children.</p><p id="9f57">There are some mums who breastfeed at home, but when they are in public are only comfortable feeding with a bottle of expressed milk or formula. Mothers also should not be criticised for using a bottle in public. However there is something wrong with our society if it makes a woman feel she needs to feed her baby with a bottle rather than her breast because she is worried about other people’s reactions. Some breastfed babies will reject bottles when their mother’s breast is right there (why would they want a bottle when they can have the breast?). Bottle feeding can also be a factor leading to babies not breastfeeding as long as the mother would have liked to breastfeed them for.</p><p id="68de">Mothers should feel free to feed their babies in public (whether by breast or bottle) with support and without judgement or comment.</p><h2 id="2ee8">Final thoughts</h2><p id="360a">The couple I met this summer are the ones with the problem. Also as my mother in law’s partner (who took a while to get used to me breastfeeding himself) said they were just incredibly rude people. If a grown adult is uncomfortable watching a baby being fed they have the options of looking in a different direction, or closing their eyes. This is what I would have done if they had been picking their nose at the table. If you are uncomfortable watching a baby breastfeed, then perhaps it’s because it’s something you aren’t used to. I wasn’t used to it before I had a baby, although I would never have tried to stop anyone. The victim of this uncomfortableness should not be a mother, or a baby.</p><p id="fb0c">My baby is now a toddler. He is still breastfed, but I haven’t fed him out and about for a while. This is because we are in a lockdown, it’s been winter and he is now old enough to understand the concept of waiting. Maybe I won’t breastfeed him out of the house again. But if he gets really upset I might do. If I have future babies I hope to breastfeed them out and about.</p></article></body>

On the Couple Who Told Me Breastfeeding my Baby is Disgusting

Breastfeeding is normal and you are the one’s who should be ashamed

Breastfeeding is a normal unremarkable act that women do everyday to feed their babies. At least it should be.

I am unsure whether I should publish this article because it only serves to perpetuate the myth that breastfeeding in public is a “thing”. So I will start with the positive. The only comments I had received when breastfeeding in public places before this incident were:

On holiday with a four month old at a bus stop an elderly lady said (in translation), ‘a breastfeeding baby is the most beautiful thing in the world’
A mum saying to her two or three year old son, ‘look, that baby is getting his milk”

Apart from that no-one has ever said anything. (Except possibly a guy walking a dog who muttered something at me when I was breastfeeding sat on a tree stump during lockdown, but as I didn’t actually hear what he said I have no idea whether it was positive or neutral or anything to do with breastfeeding).

Most of the time I expect no-one notices when I breastfeed.

The Incident

We were on holiday — a brief glorious trip to see family abroad after the end of lockdown last summer. Myself, my partner, our one year old T and my in-laws went to a restaurant. On the way there, T fell asleep in his pushchair and spent the whole meal fast asleep. It was bliss having a meal without having to tend to the needs of an active toddler.

But as we left my beautiful toddler woke up in his pushchair. He was in an unfamiliar place, hot and sweaty and he had missed lunch by being asleep. He cried. I unclipped him from the pushchair, and sat down in the nearest table in the corner, and fed him.

Even though I know I shouldn’t, I felt nervous feeding T, especially as this was in a foreign country where I could not speak the language. My partner sat at the table with me. When he wanted to leave me and go to the toilet I asked him to stay. I was glad because the waiter came over and they had a conversation I couldn’t understand. My partner explained that the waiter asked if we would like a menu, but he answered that we had already eaten our lunch and our little one was just having his lunch. The waiter retreated wordlessly. No problem.

I carried on feeding my baby. He is big now and feeding him is awkward while sitting on a chair. Much easier at home on the bed. He likes to swap from one side to the other, and move around.

There was only one other couple still there. They were several tables away, but after a while I noticed they were looking over. I didn’t pay that much attention to start with. However after a while the man started to say angry words and I recognised it as German as he said ‘schrecklich’ — which I know means awful. Eventually they realised they needed to try speaking English. This is when they informed me that it was disgusting that I was breastfeeding and how terrible it was that they had to watch me breastfeed. I don’t remember all their exact words. Although I do remember the woman saying, ‘as a woman, I think you should be more discreet’. As if the simple fact of her sharing a gender with me gives her the right to say what I should do. I asked her if she had ever breastfed a baby, but she did not reply. My mother-in-law (who was on by then on the street outside, but heard) chipped in to say that it was normal to breastfeed a baby. At this point T had stopped feeding due to the disturbance and we decided it was best to just leave.

But I was so angry.

Angry that these people were so rude.

Angry that they had a go at me in front of my beautiful baby who is now old enough to understand a little.

Most of all angry that these people were so ignorant, that they somehow thought their attitude was justified. That they thought a woman using her breasts to feed her baby as nature intended is disgusting or off putting. Angry that this is what society teaches people about breasts and the female body.

Why do people think breastfeeding is disgusting?

Surveys generally show that most people believe that breastfeeding is the healthiest way to feed a baby. It’s just that a lot of them also think it is something that should be done out of sight, in some private space where they can’t see it.

What are breasts for?

We learn that our breasts primary function is not to feed our babies but to look attractive. Growing up what I learnt from television, media and my peers is that the ideal breasts are round, perk and displayed in a bikini. They are sexual objects for men to admire, and teenage boys to giggle about. As a woman I shouldn’t walk around topless, but I might be attractive if I wore shapely clothes to flatter them. I saw lots of media stories about women getting implants to enhance their breasts. The idea of plastic surgery never appealed to me, although I did sometimes worry that my breasts were small. Although as I got older realised the guys who liked me did not care much. However it was still the idea I was brought up with about the purpose of breasts. That, and that I ought to check them for lumps in case of breast cancer.

I knew about breastfeeding of course, just I don’t remember consciously thinking much about that being the purpose of my breasts. Now I wonder how many of the women on TV with breast implants were warned their implants might impact them in future if they wanted to breastfeed their future babies? Did any of them have issues or regrets later?

Lack of experience of breastfeeding and babies

Before I had a baby I do not remember noticing anyone breastfeeding a baby in public ever. This is probably due to not paying much attention to people with babies and being in my own world. But my experience of breastfeeding was about nil, and of babies in general very limited.

My experience of breastfeeding prior to having a baby was as follows:

My siblings were breastfeed, so I must have seen them being fed, but I would have been 6 when the last one stopped so I don’t remember. However I clearly remember having a doll that I fed with a little plastic bottle.
I remember watching a television show with a joke about adults accidentally drinking breastmilk and how disgusting it was. Subsequent googling tells me this was probably Friends.
A few years ago I held a friend’s four month old baby for a while until the baby started rooting around at my breast and I handed her back to be fed. My friend must have felt self conscious feeding because she used a muslin to cover herself.

Apart from that I honestly can’t think of much. My adult life has involved very little interaction with babies, full stop. I am not alone in my lack of prior baby experience. A book I was reading recently cites a study that found that three quarters of women who weren’t mothers had no experience of holding a newborn baby and that only 20% of women had ever babysat a young baby. (Professor Amy Brown, ‘Breastfeeding Uncovered’ Pinter and Martin, 2016). This is a big problem for breastfeeding in public, because it means a large percentage of the population does not understand babies in general, let along breastfeeding.

Why don’t you cover up?

I had occasionally seen news stories about women breastfeeding in public. “Outraged mother in cafe asked to cover up” and similar. Reading this sort of article planted a seed that ‘breastfeeding in public’ was a thing to worry about. I didn’t pay that much attention, although I did support the women in the news stories. But to be honest I didn’t completely understand why it was such a big deal. I would see comments like could the mum not have fed the baby before she left? Could she have used a cover? Before I tried breastfeeding, I didn’t realise how problematic these ideas are.

When my baby was a few months old the airline KLM’s breastfeeding policy made the headlines. It said

Breastfeeding is permitted at KLM flights. However, to ensure that all our passengers of all backgrounds feel comfortable on board, we may request a mother to cover herself while breastfeeding, should other passengers be offended by this

There is so much wrong with this. If I get a flight with my baby I am only “permitted” to feed them. Do they want breastfed babies to starve? It’s impossible to feed some babies under a cover. When mine was little I needed to see him to get him to latch. Other babies will object loudly if you try and cover them with a cloth.

I think the chances are that on the average flight the number of people annoyed by listening to a baby screaming with hunger, would be more than the number who are too sensitive to cope with catching a glimpse of a woman’s breast?

Luckily in the six flights I have taken with my baby, I’ve never experienced any issues or comments breastfeeding. The time when I sat next to strangers went smoothly. In fact my baby spent most of his time trying to make eye contact with, and smiling, at the young woman next to me. (I found this more awkward than when I was feeding him).

“Being discreet” is not always easy. When I was in the restaurant it is not as if I was topless in the middle of the restaurant with a sign saying please look at me. I was sat in the corner, fully dressed just pulling up my t-shirt so my little one could latch on. Afterwards I angrily thought that perhaps next time I should stand on the table, take my top off and then breastfed while dancing. Except that I wouldn’t actually do that (and I’m not sure my acrobatic breastfeeding skills are that good).

You should have fed the baby earlier

One of the things the lady in the restaurant said to me, is why couldn’t you have feed him earlier? Because he was asleep then?

Should a mum try and time her trips out around feeding a baby? The first problem is that most babies, especially young breastfed babies do not feed to a schedule. I often did feed my baby before going out. It is more convenient and comfortable to do so in my own house, and feeding before going out means I am less likely to need to feed him shortly after going out. But if I went out for a longer time, he would want fed. Also somedays he wants fed more often than not. Babies are not predictable. They also do not just feed because they are hungry, they may want the breast because they are thirsty, scared, cold, hot, teething or for unknown reasons.

The only way I could have avoided feeding my baby out and about was if I had hid away at home at all times with him. Is is right that mothers and babies should be hidden away? I expect some people think so.

Why are attitudes like this a problem?

Attitudes like this are a big issue because they can stop women who want to breastfeed from breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is a public health issue. There’s lots of evidence that the more women breastfeed their babies, the healthier they will be (both women and babies) at a population level. (For example see: Victora et al (2016) Breastfeeding in the 21st century: epidemiology, mechanisms, and lifelong effect. Lancet 387 10017: 475–490). Where I live legislation gives me a legal right to breastfeed my baby in public because of this. Society should be supporting women out and about breastfeeding their children.

There are some mums who breastfeed at home, but when they are in public are only comfortable feeding with a bottle of expressed milk or formula. Mothers also should not be criticised for using a bottle in public. However there is something wrong with our society if it makes a woman feel she needs to feed her baby with a bottle rather than her breast because she is worried about other people’s reactions. Some breastfed babies will reject bottles when their mother’s breast is right there (why would they want a bottle when they can have the breast?). Bottle feeding can also be a factor leading to babies not breastfeeding as long as the mother would have liked to breastfeed them for.

Mothers should feel free to feed their babies in public (whether by breast or bottle) with support and without judgement or comment.

Final thoughts

The couple I met this summer are the ones with the problem. Also as my mother in law’s partner (who took a while to get used to me breastfeeding himself) said they were just incredibly rude people. If a grown adult is uncomfortable watching a baby being fed they have the options of looking in a different direction, or closing their eyes. This is what I would have done if they had been picking their nose at the table. If you are uncomfortable watching a baby breastfeed, then perhaps it’s because it’s something you aren’t used to. I wasn’t used to it before I had a baby, although I would never have tried to stop anyone. The victim of this uncomfortableness should not be a mother, or a baby.

My baby is now a toddler. He is still breastfed, but I haven’t fed him out and about for a while. This is because we are in a lockdown, it’s been winter and he is now old enough to understand the concept of waiting. Maybe I won’t breastfeed him out of the house again. But if he gets really upset I might do. If I have future babies I hope to breastfeed them out and about.