How to Let Go of a Resentment

Summary

The author describes overcoming a resentment towards their mother regarding unpaid eye surgery by undertaking a moral inventory as suggested in AA's Step Four, leading to self-realization and improved family relations.

Abstract

The article details the author's journey in recovery from addiction, focusing on a personal grudge held against their mother for reneging on funding eye surgery. The author's sponsor suggests writing a moral inventory, prompting introspection on the author's own contributions to the resentment. Through this process, the author identifies selfish desires, self-seeking actions, dishonesty, and underlying fears related to equating money with love. This insight leads to an apology to the mother, strengthening their relationship and resulting in a cherished gift. The author reflects on the broader lessons of recovery beyond abstinence from substances, emphasizing personal growth and the ongoing nature of learning.

Opinions

The author initially reacts with anger and self-pity when their mother decides not to pay for the surgery.
The sponsor's advice is seen as crucial in preventing a potential relapse triggered by resentment.
The author acknowledges their own role in the conflict, recognizing selfishness in wanting the surgery paid for and self-seeking behavior in complaining to siblings.
There is an admission of dishonesty, as the author could have afforded the surgery but used their mother's contribution as a measure of her love.
The author reveals a deep-seated fear that conflates money with love, which is identified as a core issue in the resentment.
Writing to the mother to apologize and relieve her of the financial obligation is seen as a pivotal moment that enhances their relationship.
The author values the diamond ring received from their mother as a symbol of their improved connection.
The article conveys the author's belief in the continuous nature of recovery and self-improvement, appreciating the learning process even after 15 years of sobriety.

I take apart a grudge I held towards my mother and get honest in my role in the umbrage I was feeling towards her

Diamonds are forever, but resentments can fade away with a bit of effort – Photo by Adrien Ledoux on Unsplash

I was lucky to have a good sponsor early in my recovery from alcohol and other drugs — and she had something to say when I got pissed off after mum refused to pay for some eye surgery I’d been waiting for for 20 years.

It’d taken that long — two decades — for the difficult surgery to be able to be done on my complex presentation — myopia, an earlier detached retina, and astigmatism.

Mum definitely got the message that I was angry as I resentfully ended the call when she said she’d changed her mind about footing the bill for the $NZ10,000 ($US6,800) surgery. I called all my sisters (x 3) and poured scorn on mum. ‘She reneged!’ I blurted out in self-righteous indignation. ‘She’s always doing this!’ I moaned with self-pity.

My sponsor pointed out that this resentment could be dangerous to my sobriety and suggested I write out a Step Four as outlined in the Big Book of AA.

So, grudgingly, I set about it and did as Step Four suggested and ‘made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.’ My sponsor was urging me to see my role in my resentment towards my mother. I had to see where this was coming from. I had to see where I was being selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and fearful.

I had to get honest with myself, otherwise, I risked feeding this resentment and I really didn’t want to relapse over it. Resentment is the number one trigger for relapse and it’s gotten alcoholics drunk more than anything.

Selfish: what did I want? I wanted mum to pay for the surgery! Simple.

Self-seeking: what did I do to get what I wanted? I dissed my mother to my sisters and complained, thereby exacerbating my resentment.

Dishonest: the truth was if I really wanted the surgery, I could pay for it myself (and this year, in fact, did just that, and am only sad that mum isn’t around to see me with nearly 20–20 vision and not even needing glasses for reading). Another truth was, actually, that I didn’t mind wearing glasses one little bit. By that stage, there was some pretty nice face furniture around and I used to love getting new frames every few years and the glasses were styly and fun to wear.

But the really interesting one was the last: the fear. What was I afraid of? And when I got really honest, I could see that somewhere along the line I had confused love with money. Weirdly, I had got money all tied up with love and had come to the conclusion that mum would really love me if she was willing to spend all that money on me. So when she withdrew the offer, my little addict brain made up that she didn’t love me any more. That was the breakthrough, the turnaround, that helped me let go of the resentment.

So with a sense of great relief, I wrote to her, saying sorry for being short with her on the phone (read: rude and acting like a spoilt brat), and I was fine with the way things were and she didn’t have to worry about paying for the surgery.

She was pretty relieved and my amends to her brought us closer together and for Christmas that year she gave me a diamond ring that I treasure today. Also, I could empathise because I too had a fear of financial insecurity and so understood perhaps what she was going through. Here’s something on the subject I published earlier https://readmedium.com/on-fear-a1fd0d7111dd

I thought recovery was all about quitting alcohol and other drugs, so was pretty thrilled when I started learning stuff like that. I’m still learning 15 (sober) years later and that’s very cool for a polymath . . .

Thanks for reading!