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1998

Abstract

/h1>Recently I was introduced to <a href="https://thework.com/">The Work of Byron Katie</a>. This Work has significantly altered my relationship with needing someone else to acknowledge me.Katie has a worksheet that you fill in and then play with all the phrases you’ve created. What I want to focus on right now is the line that begins, “I need [person’s name] to…” This has been the most profoundly resonant piece of wisdom to penetrate my relationship with myself and the world around me.The concept of playing with the phrases is that you turn them around to experience how many different angles are simultaneously true and how you might viscerally experience a version of the phrase (that you weren’t focusing on) as even more sensationally true (than the phrase you were fixated on).So, taking, “I need them to acknowledge these shared traumatic experiences,” as an example. I can turn it around in two ways:<ul><li>“I DON’T need them to acknowledge these shared traumatic experiences.”</li><li>“I need ME to acknowledge these shared traumatic experiences.”</li></ul>Immediately upon saying these second two phrases, my power shifts back into my hands. I am personally responsible for fulfilling my own needs and not projecting that onto or into someone else. WHAT A RELIEF.<figure id="4a25"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*rqk1Dm1nxrv1btHOEyVJ2w.jpeg"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@i_am_nah?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">I.am_nah</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/hands?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h1 id="b747">BUT…BUT… BUT…</h1>YES. My ego still WANTS these folks near and dear to me to be able to meet me in an intimate space of acknowledging the energetic intricacies of our experiences

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.YES. My ego still WANTS to be holding space together for big feelings to move through and attending to this task as a conscious continuous team.I CRAVE this. I DESIRE it. Yet, I do not NEED it.<h1 id="2210">WHAT I DO NEED</h1>What I do need is my own acknowledgment – of the feelings moving through me, of the trauma in my body, of my needs.It’s a bit of a loop and one we are definitely trained to disassociate from.We want to need each other and be needed in return, we idealize this as connection, family, friendship. At the same time, this breeds the subtle abuse of co-dependency and disregards the immaculate freedom of interdependence found in personal responsibility to self.I simply need me to be available to acknowledge me.<h1 id="e585">THE CATCH</h1>I invite you, with me, to notice when that word NEED crosses your mind or comes through your speech. Are you giving your power away? Are you disassociated from your power to attend to your own need for emotional and energetic acknowledgment? Are you addicted to feeling emotionally insecure through a pattern of needing specific attention from others?Noticing the word, “NEED”, in my sentences and pausing to observe who I am suggesting I need something from has been the single most potent shift in feeling fulfilled AND having cohesive, copacetic, calm relationships.Emotional security is a very real NEED.Asking for help is honorable and often integral. Sharing with others builds awareness and humility. Relationship, connection, and intimacy are all real needs that thrive in emotional sharing. However…ALWAYS coming back to personal responsibility to fulfill your own need for emotional acknowledgment is the essence of freedom, love, health, and wealth.Try it yourself!</article></body>

On Not Being Heard

The Most Profound Wisdom of Human Need

The average person complains thirty times a day. No matter how wonderful we are, this habit spreads neurological information of irritation that is not an asset to us as individuals, groups, or a collective.

My personal favorite flavor of complaint is: NOT BEING HEARD.

My whole life I have been convinced that I need to get through to my parents about certain subjects, beliefs, and ways of being. The propensity to drive my passion into this pursuit has severely drained me and debilitated the possibility of peace in the relationships as well as debilitated progress with other projects that need my attention and energy.

Of course I attracted and chose a partner who offers me the exact same opportunity to notice my own ways, my own repetitive complaint, my dedication to draining myself into the frivolous belief that I need someone else to hear me, and understand me, and value my perspective.

The highlight of all these efforts is wanting emotional acknowledgment and framing it as a need. “I need him to understand that this pattern is very triggering for me.” “I need her to know that her behavior was abusive even if she didn’t mean to be.” “I need acknowledgment that I’m in pain.” “I need them to acknowledge these shared traumatic experiences.”

THE WORK

Recently I was introduced to The Work of Byron Katie. This Work has significantly altered my relationship with needing someone else to acknowledge me.

Katie has a worksheet that you fill in and then play with all the phrases you’ve created. What I want to focus on right now is the line that begins, “I need [person’s name] to…” This has been the most profoundly resonant piece of wisdom to penetrate my relationship with myself and the world around me.

The concept of playing with the phrases is that you turn them around to experience how many different angles are simultaneously true and how you might viscerally experience a version of the phrase (that you weren’t focusing on) as even more sensationally true (than the phrase you were fixated on).

So, taking, “I need them to acknowledge these shared traumatic experiences,” as an example. I can turn it around in two ways:

“I DON’T need them to acknowledge these shared traumatic experiences.”
“I need ME to acknowledge these shared traumatic experiences.”

Immediately upon saying these second two phrases, my power shifts back into my hands. I am personally responsible for fulfilling my own needs and not projecting that onto or into someone else. WHAT A RELIEF.

BUT…BUT… BUT…

YES. My ego still WANTS these folks near and dear to me to be able to meet me in an intimate space of acknowledging the energetic intricacies of our experiences.

YES. My ego still WANTS to be holding space together for big feelings to move through and attending to this task as a conscious continuous team.

I CRAVE this. I DESIRE it. Yet, I do not NEED it.

WHAT I DO NEED

What I do need is my own acknowledgment – of the feelings moving through me, of the trauma in my body, of my needs.

It’s a bit of a loop and one we are definitely trained to disassociate from.

We want to need each other and be needed in return, we idealize this as connection, family, friendship. At the same time, this breeds the subtle abuse of co-dependency and disregards the immaculate freedom of interdependence found in personal responsibility to self.

I simply need me to be available to acknowledge me.

THE CATCH

I invite you, with me, to notice when that word NEED crosses your mind or comes through your speech. Are you giving your power away? Are you disassociated from your power to attend to your own need for emotional and energetic acknowledgment? Are you addicted to feeling emotionally insecure through a pattern of needing specific attention from others?

Noticing the word, “NEED”, in my sentences and pausing to observe who I am suggesting I need something from has been the single most potent shift in feeling fulfilled AND having cohesive, copacetic, calm relationships.

Emotional security is a very real NEED.

Asking for help is honorable and often integral. Sharing with others builds awareness and humility. Relationship, connection, and intimacy are all real needs that thrive in emotional sharing. However…

ALWAYS coming back to personal responsibility to fulfill your own need for emotional acknowledgment is the essence of freedom, love, health, and wealth.

Try it yourself!